Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
Summary: [Part One of the Visser Diaries Trilogy] What happens when supervillains leave their utmost personal diaries exposed? Why, THIS of course. Follow Visser Three on his less than professional life experiences... in the personal life we've never heard about.
1. Stupid, STUPID Iniss

**A/N:** Well, as you guys know, this is **"Visser Three's Diary"**. It is by far my most successful fan fiction on this website. Now that it's finally completed after two years of work, I've decided to re-edit some chapters that needed it (thought-speak malfunctions, grammar, and other errors), including this one.

By the way, now that the fic is done, **if anyone would like to translate this storyin their own language, please contact me and we can make some arrangements. :)**

So, now that's said... I hope you enjoy "Visser Three's Diary":D

**Visser Three's Diary  
**by Sinister Shadow

**14+**

**1. Stupid, STUPID Iniss...**

June 29th

Entry one...

Dear Diary,

Whee! What a day it has been, creatures. What a day! Why has it been such a GREAT DAY, you ask! Because today was MY BIRTHDAY! Why, I feel like humming "Happy Birthday". Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da, dear Visser! ...

... Okay, you are correct in saying that I am "odd" or "bizarre" or even "moronic", or even a "freaking witch", because those are all human words that make no sense. Like me!

Yes, I have eaten oatmeal this morning. Instant Maple and Ginger, in fact. Once you get started, you just can't kick the habit, you know?

Anyhow, for my birthday I received...

A cake (DUH!). Which Iniss (my dumb assistant) baked.

This diary in which I am currently writing! That came in the mail from my dear, DEAR... Yeerk who is pretending to be my grandmother... Well, she always gives me stuff, so I don't see the difference between her and a _real _grandmother.

A Bug Fighter making kit! From the Emperor. Also in that package was a note saying: " Esplin, you desperately NEED to learn to make Bug Fighters better than you already do."

And, finally... I received... Quite an unforgettable gift... It was an oatmeal pie. As I said, oatmeal is soooooooooooooooo good! It makes you so... _loopy_! It's actually kind of addictive… Wheeeeee... AHEM! Anyway, when I tried to eat my pie, this BOMB went off and the pie went everywhere (including in my face!)! In the dish there was a note: " Have a nice day, Esplin (You know I'm being sarcastic, you big doaf)! From your old friend (see previous parenthesis), Visser One."

God I hate her. I really do! And if you don't believe me, schedule a freaking appointment so I can personally fricking KILL you!

Oh, wait! I forgot a gift... It was a rotten steak from the Andalite bandits... I wonder why they bothered sending me this? They know I'll eat anything. They wouldn't want me getting fat, would they? All tough and muscular...

" All tough and muscular my --"

I spun around. It was _her _again... Gah! When will I ever catch a break! I wonder if those "Kit Kat" bars really work...

( What are YOU doing here! ) I demanded. ( Were you reading my diary? )

" Why not?" Visser One replied, " The Gold Bands were driving me up the freakin' wall!"

So she WAS reading it...

Visser One. My stupid, annoying, God-forbid-she-should-keep-her-nose-in-her-own-business, REALLY dapsenish, half-human, idiotic arch-rival (and arch-enemy).

I despise her.

I HATE her!

WITH A PASSION!

Visser One is the kind of Yeerk who can drive you UP AND DOWN the wall over and over and over again...

Okay, fine. If she died, nine-hundred and twenty point five Yeerk Coins say that I'd miss fighting with her...

BUT THAT DOESN'T LEAVE THIS DIARY!

Oh yeah, and "Why 920.5?", you ask? Because that's all I currently possess.

Still, Visser One is hands-down the universe's hugest dapsen. I have no clue why she exists. I swear, sometimes I think she was BORN for the sole purpose of irritating me. She has absolutely no life and everyone besides her knows it, too.

Unfortunately for me, Visser One is also Miss Yeerk Home World, seven times running. Well… not _really_, but she _could _be. If we Yeerks had those stupid beauty pageant thingies. In any case, we are talking seriously attractive Yeerk. Of course, I don't see her in that way at all, because I hate her guts. No matter how many males obsess over her daily and sleep with posters of her under their pillow, hoping the "tooth fairy" will stop by and give them the real thing, to me, she is and will always be a supernaturally butt ugly THING who is impesting my _space_.

Anyway.

Before I could fulfill my greatest desire and decapitate Visser One, my almost equally annoying personal assistant, Iniss Two-Two-Six, barged into the room. He was holding a trumpet in his left hand and blew into it so hard that a deafening (and horribly off-key) sound came out.

" HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Visser!" he yelled in a crazy voice.

" Did you eat too many cornflakes?" Visser One asked.

" NO!"

" Oatmeal, then?"

" UH-UH."

" How about chocolate?"

" Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss..." Iniss started drooling.

That STUPID idiot! Why eat chocolate! He'd get addicted!

" Good MORNIIIIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Iniss started singing in a retardedly diabolical way.

Visser One plugged her ears.

" Oh SHUT THE HELL UP, you dapsen!" she screamed.

( Oh by the way, Iniss... ) I said. ( It's the evening. )

" Gaaasp… Good EEEEEEEEVENIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

" Argh," said Visser One, rolling her eyes.

I had to seriously MAKE AN EFFORT not to strangle them both. And that... Is a very, VERY hard thing for me to do!

But I swear, I tried! Real hard!

It became even harder not to decapitate Iniss once he started SINGING this freakin' DAPSEN of a human song:

" If you're HAPPY and you know it clap your HANDS! HEY!"

No one clapped, of course. No one except Iniss.

- CLAP CLAP!

" If you're HAPPY and you know it STOMP YOUR FEET!"

I glared. If you want to sing that song, sing it MY WAY at least!

" ... OR HOOVES!" Iniss practically screamed.

- STOMP STOMP!

" Oye!" yelled Visser One, smacking herself on the forehead. " Make it stop!"

And for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I actually agreed with her. Stop the freaking press.

" IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SWING YOUR--"

- SMACK!

Visser One grabbed a metal pole and started whacking Iniss repeatedly. I am telling you. This female seriously needs anger management...

Although I... probably would have done the same. And besides, it worked!

Iniss ran screaming from the room. Visser One followed.

( One... ) I started, with an extremely annoyed look on my Andalite face, ( Two... Three. )

- TSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

" Ha HAH!" Visser One yelled in triumph.

" Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Iniss moaned in pain, " Oumph!"

( Knew it. ) I said to no one.

No really, I did.

Okay, I've got to go revive my assistant. Got my camera... My handcuffs... And my hope that Visser One knows human CPR.

Because _I'm _sure not doing that!

Until my return,

Esplin 9466.


	2. Blind Date?

**A/N:** Okay, I don't own Animorphs, people. Sorry if I didn't mention that in the first chapter.

By the way, I just wanted to say something: A few people who reviewed have been associating this story to Birdie num num's **"Da Uber Scary Diary of Visser Three",** and I just want to make it clear that I _have _read that story (it's really good!), but that this story was thought of and started BEFORE I read it. So this story has NOTHING to do with that one.

Alright, everyone, this particular chapter... (and NEXT chapter! Only Concrete Angel, three of my other friends and I, of course, know what happens _then_!) is real weird. If you don't know what I mean, just READ it! Trust me, it's going to seem weird. And I can almost guarantee it will be disturbing... But read it anyway! (please, I'm down on my knees, no flames no flames no FLAAAAMES!)

Oh yeah, one more thing: I don't own instant maple oatmeal or anything associated with the lethal stuff (you'll see)!

Okay, now READ!

**Visser Three's Diary**

**Chapter 2 -- Blind Date?**

July First

Entry two...

Dear Diary,

It is I again, Visser Three. And I am on the verge of tears.

Yes, tears. Me. Why? Because the single most _embarrassing _thing, that I will never, EVER

live down, just happened to me. Just last night. Oh GOD! SPARE ME THE AGONY! shudders You're wondering what happened, aren't you? Yes, you are. I know you are. And I know you know you... Oh hell.

A lightening bolt hit me? Worse. I stepped in Taxxon secretion? Well, I did, but not last night.

And it's still worse.

I arranged for someone to give me a furcut and instead they ended up giving me something you humans call a 'mohawk'? WORSE!

Alright, alright, I'll tell you: I farted on speaker... Lying! Okay, I really will tell you now...

Euf... Here goes...

I WENT ON A BLIND DATE!

Yes, that's it. Oh God... The horror of it all. The pure and simple HORROR!

It all started when my personal assistant, Iniss (no longer on chocolate, thank the universe) came up to me and gave me an invitation to some yearly event called the Human Culture Fest. Eum... no, we didn't feast on human culture. It was a sort of party, actually. A party for human-Controllers. But since I was an Andalite, I could morph to human, so I was invited anyway! Gee, ain't I loved?

Anyway, it was a purely human thing, a chance for us to learn more about human culture. They had 'dances', and 'draws' and other human d-words. I even bet they had dapsens. And other letter words, too.

Iniss told me:

" Visser, forgive me, but I believe your love life is going down the drain..." he choked a laugh. My love life! The humanized dapsen! " So I've arranged a blind date for you."

( What is a blind date? ) I demanded, ( Do not harm my stalk eyes! Or my main eyes, for that matter... But especially not the stalk eyes! )

" Of course not, Visser!" Iniss seemed scared, but he still seemed to be trying very, VERY hard not to burst out laughing. I didn't ask. " A blind date is a human thing. Many Yeerks will be doing this for the Human Culture Fest. It involves taking a temporary mate for a night out."

( Night... out... ) I said, confused. I was blank.

Suddenly, Iniss's face contorted with a smirk he seemed to have much difficulty hiding.

" Yes... Visser," he said, choking laughs here and there. " I've arranged for your date..." he snorted, his shoulders shaking with tremors from trying to remain serious, " To meet you at the fest at... six o'clock."

I stared a bit strangely at Iniss. Then, without warning, he burst out laughing uncontrollably.

" Hello?" Visser One, the evil devil, peeked out of her room, " Is there a problem here?"

( No problem, ) I assured her with a cold stare. ( Except for INISS laughing his fricking head off at... SOMETHING! )

" Oh, okay, well would you mind shutting up?" she closed the door.

Iniss was now halfway down the hallway, walking to his room, laughing hysterically. It wasn't until later that I found out what was so funny...

Dates. Great. Something funny, I supposed, because of Iniss.

To me, it was just another human d-word...

---

I seriously considered not going. Really, I did. But at six o'clock, I showed up, in human morph and in a VERY BAD MOOD, at the Human Culture Fest. It was in a large room. Crazy lights zoomed everywhere, and there were human-Controllers talking passively at tables. Others were eating oatmeal, and others had taken an extra dose of the lethal stuff before coming here... They were the ones on the floor dancing.

All of them were doing _something_, at least. Yes, all. All except for one, at least.

I noticed her as I came in. She was sitting alone at a large table, looking bored and annoyed.

Visser One. Oh, God, did SHE have to be here!

Strangely, it seemed as though she was asking herself the same question... I didn't ask. She didn't either. I sat at a table two tables down from hers.

... Looking bored and annoyed.

After a while, I picked up a human newspaper. The paper came from a place called 'Canada'. I opened it. Turned to the politics section. Read for a while. They kept talking about some guy named 'Bush', or something. And someone else called 'Paul Martin'. And there was also 'Bin Laden' and 'Al Quaida'. And others, too... Your politicians seem a bit... stupid... Ah well.

After ten minutes or so, a human-Controller with a tray of goblets asked me if I wanted a mug of 'coffee'. I said yes. He handed me one of the goblets, and I sucked on the coffee.

Blind date my behind... I guess she decided not to show up, whoever she was.

Well, that's what I thought...

Two human-Controllers entered the room. I took in more coffee. Read another section of the paper.

After ten more minutes, I averted my eyes from the news. From the corner of my eye I saw Visser One talking to an awed, male human-Controller.

" Sorry, I can't." she said, " See, I already have plans for tonight. With another guy. He hasn't shown up, yet... And besides, six other Yeerks have already asked before you."

The guy seemed like he was about to cry. Geesh! Idiot fans... He walked away, disappointed.

Visser One shot a look at her watch. Then, she frowned.

" Twenty after six!" she exclaimed. " Where is that stupid blind date anyway! Iniss will pay for this!"

I turned back to the paper.

That was _before _I realized what she'd just said!

My mouth dropped open with horror. I dropped the paper. Then the coffee. Soon, my pants were covered in steaming brown liquid...

_VISSER ONE _was my blind date!

Iniss. Two. Two. Six... You. BAD. _YEERK_!

I could just not tell her! Yeah, that was a great plan. Except for the fact that Visser One was now standing in front of me, her hands squeezed around my weak human throat, looking very, VERY angry.

I shivered a bit. Oh no. Now what!

" Who are _you_!" she yelled. " You better not be that blind date I've been waiting for for twenty minutes!"

" Eum..." I started.

Oh, God! That was it! She didn't know it was me! I'd just pretend I wasn't Visser Three! So then, I wouldn't have to make a fool out of myself because of INISS! I chuckled interiorly at my brilliant plan...

Hey, wait a second... This plan wouldn't help ME much! I'd still have to go on a blind date with... shudder… Visser One. Ohhhh! What the hell did I _ever _do to deserve this agony!

But still, my identity would be secret... Oh, the hell with it. Here goes...

" I'm WAITING!" Visser One spat.

" I am..." Oh God, please help me! " I'm Eslin... eu... Six-Four-Nine."

" Eslin Six-Four-Nine?" she raised an eyebrow and smirked. Then, to my surprise, said: " That's the lamest one yet. You forgot the 'P' and the second six, _Esplin 9466_!"

She shuddered. I was wide-eyed.

" How did you --"

" Well, God," she spat, " Why else would INISS, YOUR personal assistant, ask ME to go on a blind date with a guy if it wasn't you, you dapsen! Who'd he send? Himself?"

" I think he would have enjoyed it. And if it ever happens, tell him I'm not paying for the oatmeal bill." I mumbled audibly. No, seriously. Now I was REALLY gonna kill that stupid Iniss!

And if all this wasn't bad enough already, guess what: It got WORSE! MUCH worse! And as I watched Visser One let go of my throat and sit down on the nearest chair, that's when it really started becoming a nightmare...

" Oatmeal?" I heard a voice behind me.

" Sure," said Visser One grimly. " I definitely need it."

I stared, wide-eyed, at my worst enemy, who also somehow happened to be my blind date... (EH, INISS!)

_Visser One, _ordering oatmeal! No way!

Hey, if she could do it, I could!

" Me too," I said. " Double portion."

Visser One stared at me intently. I smirked, not knowing why.

The waitor gave Visser One a bowl, and two bowls for me. I started digging in on the oatmeal. So good... So, so good...

Almost immediately, I felt a sudden bolt of energy, followed by passiveness. Energy, passiveness, energy...

I looked at Visser One as she got up from her chair, walking around. I wondered where she was going, so I got up and caught up to her. As we walked side by side I felt a question burn inside my mind...

" Hey, hold on." I said, feeling the effect of the oatmeal slowly kicking in. " If you knew it was me, then why did you come?"

She shrugged. " Hey, it was either this or spend an evening giving a sermon to some bunch of mentally retarded low-ranks. They always question people... Definitely NOT the place for me. And besides, this was an event for Vissers, so I had to come."

" Ah." I said.

I believed her. She was the highest-ranking Visser (for now). She must be paid to attend events like this one. So I took her word.

No really, I did.

" Hey, I know those two, over there!" said Visser One. " Let's avoid them... I don't want them to find out who my unfortunate blind date is..."

" Oh yeah!" I exclaimed, slightly offended.

Wait... Offended? What the hell am I...! No no, I meant...

... The oatmeal must be kicking in quicker.

Visser One yanked me by the arm.

" Look! Someone's waving at you, you dreaming dapsen!"

" Oh!"

I snapped out of it.

Out of what? What was I... oh never mind.

I looked to where Visser One was pointing and saw some guy signaling for me to go over there. I did, taking Visser One with me, of course... and the guy smiled a bit stupidly. Probably on oatmeal, like the rest of us.

He leaned over and whispered in my ear:

" _How _did you get _that _powerhouse?"

" House?" I demanded, " What house?"

" Not a house, you incredible doaf, your date!" the guy exclaimed.

This guy! Oh for the Emperor's sake... This guy was _jealous _of me for having got Visser One as a blind date!

" You find her attractive?" I asked.

" Well, hello! Look at her, at least! Man, you have to give me tips!"

" Eum... I didn't exactly try..."

I looked at Visser One, her head leaned to one side, her black hair flowing gently down her back. She had one hand on her waist, as a sign of annoyance, her eyes glaring at me...

" Oh my God she _is _attractive!" I mumbled.

" See? Now go on and enjoy it while you can!" said the guy.

And with that, he pushed me back encouragingly, and I found myself back in the middle of a crowd of oatmealized dapsens...

... Oh, darn! I have to go. I'll keep writing later.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466


	3. Hey you! What have you done with Visser ...

**Visser Three's Diary**

_(PG-13)_

**Chapter Three: Hey you! What have you done with Visser Three?!**

CONTINUED FROM CHAPTER TWO

July First

Entry three.

Dear Diary,

Sorry I got interrupted, Diary... Iniss was spying on what I was WRITING again, and I had to go WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD with a POLE.

So anyway...

Before I continue reciting my dapsenish misadventure at the HCF, there is one VERY IMPORTANT notice that I would like to have you read:

I AM NOT, I REPEAT, _NOT_ RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DAPSENISH, RETARDED, DISTURBING ACTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER. I WAS ON OATMEAL, I TELL YOU! _OATMEAL!!!_

Okay, so now that THAT's off my chest, let's continue, shall we?

When I finished talking to the guy that, well... made me realize that Visser One was, HUM!, hot...

That, in human terms of course. But since this was a human event, I like to...

... Oh, the HELL with it! I WAS ON OATMEAL, OKAY?!?!?!

" So, what now?" asked Visser One, seemingly bored.

" I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled joyfully, a little bit louder that I wanted to be.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw these six people STARING at me. I wanted to tell them to GO... never mind. But before I could, Visser One slapped me in the face.

" You dapsen!" she hissed. " Do you _want _to get noticed by every single Yeerk in this room?!"

" ... That depends what you mean by 'single'..." I said loopily, dazed and under the influence of high amounts of oatmeal.

I sat up (of course I fell! Even in an Andalite host, Visser One can practically knock you over just by yelling at you!), and immediately recieved this uncharacteristically large jolt of energy...

OKAY! Now I was seriously starting to get HYPER!

I jumped up on my feet and leaped up in the air.

" What the f...?" Visser One started.

" YAHOO!" I practically screamed. " I KNOW this song!"

Visser One clamped a hand on my mouth, silencing me.

" God, don't you GET IT?" she exclaimed. " The less I get _seen_ in this place, the BETTER!"

I ignored her and placed both my hands on her shoulders.

" I _like _that shirt." I blurted, my voice thickening with the effect of the oatmeal. " You should wear it to the Visser-Council reunions. I can give you my ideas for a better future for the Empire, and you can wear that shirt and tell them what I told you! And of course they'll accept! You know as well as I do that if you WEAR THAT SHIRT, Council Members Two through Eight, Ten and Twelve, PLUS Vissers Two, Four, Five, Six, Seven... and the rest 'til Ten, and, for oatmeal's sake, probably even the EMPEROR... will all be too busy drooling and having weird thoughts to object to anything you say! Therefore, I CAN RULE THE WORLD!! MWAHEE, HA HA!!"

" What the..." Visser One said. " You're WAY too talkative."

" ... And keep the belt too," I continued, completely ignoring her. " That is a _nice _belt. And the jeans... ohh... definitely keep the jeans."

So... yeah. That's BASICALLY what I'd been reduced to! Complimenting Visser One! Hey, blame the oatmeal, not me!

... I know. I KNOW I'm getting annoying with the whole oatmeal thing. But I just want to make sure you GET IT!

I saw some guy looking at me. No wait... I don't think he was looking at me. He was probably looking at Visser One. Because unless he was gay, he wasn't looking at ME!

" Hey, see?" I said, tilting Visser One's head towards the guy who was staring at her. " The shirt's working already!"

In normal times, she would have pushed me back and I would have gone crashing into the food stand (darned human legs!). But I think her oatmeal was starting to kick in now, too. Not much, but enough.

Suddenly, I heard the music come to a stop. I looked around frantically, wondering what the hell was going on.

" Hey! HEY!" I yelled. " Turn the music back on, I LIKE that --"

- SMACK!

" AAAAOOOOOWWWW!! Quit it, Visser One... I LIKE THAT SONG!!"

- SMACK!

" I _saaaaaaiiid, _'AAAAOOOOOWWWW!!'"

" Well _I _said, 'SHUUUUT UUUUP!!'"

I looked at her as if she came from the Andalite Homeworld.

" _No_, you didn't...!" I exclaimed. " You asked me if I wanted to get noticed by every single Yeerk in this room, and _I said _--"

- SMACK!

" Well, NOW I'm saying... 'SHUUUUT UUUUP!!'" Visser One spat.

I looked around me suddenly, and realized that EVERYONE was looking at us. Great. I'd be in for a slapping job the size of a hundred Yeerk pools... Who would _ever _have the below zero intelligence level to teach someone like _Visser One _how to slap, anyway?!

There was a blond-haired _guy _on a little stage close to the mini-bar where I'd met that other guy a while ago. He looked sort of embarrassed for me. And I really, _really _didn't care.

No really, I didn't.

The guy held a microphone to his mouth and cleared his throat.

" Eum!" he said, " Well... Okay, then! We'll now proceed with a little activity the organizers decided to prepare for the HCF. It is a sort of strange thing the humans do currently... They call it 'karaoke'. Any volunteers who want to try it can step up to this stage and sing a human song of their choosing! We have music for just about any song, so just name it."

The guy stepped off the stage, leaving all of us to our wonderings.

" Karaoke?" exclaimed Visser One, raising one eyebrow. " Are they serious?"

" Are you going to dance in front of everyone?" I... no, the OATMEAL asked hopefully.

" Pfft," Visser One replied smugly. " You wish, Mr. Oatmeal."

" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEEEEEEE!!!" I laughed extra-loudly like some sort of beyond-evil witch. " Why not?! Hey, I know...!"

And it was then... right at that moment... that an idea popped into my oatmeal-driven head. And this wasn't just ANY idea, either...

... This was the stupidest, most retarded idea I'd ever had! _Including_ the time I thought I could actually blow up the Andalite Homeworld with a single nuclear micro-bomb!

Those frickin' retarded Andalites decided it might be a good idea to attack my ship with _three _micro-bombs...

... I still haven't completely physically recovered from that...

So anyway, this idea, at the time, was like NOT ONLY the creepiest thing you could ever imagine... it also seemed to be quite fantastically superb! Of course, though, that was the oatmeal's point of view.

" Why are you gaping like a dapsen?" asked Visser One, sounding sort of dazed.

" Because I want to TRY!" I yelled.

Everyone immediately stopped talking. Not only talking... They stopped dancing, eating, and everything else, too. The room was in complete silence. Everyone seemed to be wondering whether or not they had heard me correctly.

" You want to try the karaoke?" the stage guy asked shyly.

" YEAH!" I screamed.

" What are you doing, you dapsen?!" Visser One yelled, trying to hold me back from climbing up on that stage and humiliating her.

But I didn't listen. I just walked up to the stage, my human sneakers squeaking on the metal floor. Whispered something to the Yeerk who was operating the sound system.

" Hah! Are you serious, dude?" he laughed out loud.

" Dead serious!" I exclaimed.

" Alright then," the guy smirked.

I climbed up on the stage, fifty pairs of eyes trailing me. The stage guy tossed me a microphone and ran off the stage laughing like a lunatic.

… And then, to my great happiness, and to Visser One's great horror, the music started playing. Softly at first, then louder...

_Hiya Barbie!_

_Hi Ken!_

_You wanna go for a ride?_

_Sure, Ken!_

" I'm a Barbie girl

In a Barbie world!

Life in plastic

It's fantastic!

You can brush my hair!

Undress me everywhere! ..."

Visser One screamed. A bunch of idiots started laughing. But most of the people in the room were smirking and muttering to themselves:

" The poor dapsen…"

… And through all this, _I _wasn't even the slightest bit humiliated!

I just continued on, singing that stupid song about a human plaything!

" You can touch!

You can play!

If you say I'm always yours!

Ooh whoa! ..."

By now Visser One had grabbed a paper bag, shoved it over her head, and started walking towards the exit door. And I did nothing about it! No, I was FAR too busy singing and chuckling like a twelve-year-old schoolgirl.

" Come on Barbie, let's go party

Ah, ah, ah, yeah!

Come on Barbie, let's go party

Ooh whoa, ooh whoa

Come on Barbie, let's go party…"

Visser One left and closed the door behind her, leaving ME here with all these people laughing at my sorry ass.

… And then, finally, the song ENDED!

" Oh, I LOVE YOU KEN!" I yelled.

The music stopped and I looked around. The stage guy was on the ground laughing. So was everyone else, for that matter…

I shot a look at the exit… Visser One's head poked through the opening as she cast a cautious glance my way. She sighed and reentered the room.

" I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!" I sang hysterically.

Visser One backtracked and headed back for the exit.

" WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU! WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOOO?!!!"

I stopped singing. The room was silent again. Visser One stopped walking. I leapt off the stage and ran over in her direction.

… And in less than five minutes, the party was started again.

* * *

**LATER**

Now, I do not have to precise every little detail… So let's skip a few parts.

They were playing slow dances now. This was the before-last one… It was a song called "Crash and Burn" by something called "Savage Garden". Wherever that is, I sure would never want to live there!

" This is a nice human song," mumbled Visser One, who was probably half asleep because the dances were so slow. She was resting her head on my shoulder as the song went on…

… Yeah, her oatmeal had kicked in. In case you're dumb.

But I was getting tired of the HCF. I don't know why… It's like, there was a whole bunch of other stuff I could be doing right now either than slow-dancing with my arch-rival!

… And besides, it was late in the night… Not that I wanted to sleep. The oatmeal was too effective to even THINK about sleeping.

But nevertheless, I wanted OUT of this place!

The song ended and I pulled Visser One to the side. She sort of leaned casually onto a nearby wall.

" Do you want to leave?" I asked.

" Eum… Yeah," she replied.

" Because I do." I said.

" Alright, then, let's go." Visser One said.

We walked towards the exit, side by side. When we arrived, I yanked the door open and we stepped outside into the brightly lit hallway.

" … It's kind of a long way to my extra room…" I said.

" What do you mean, your extra room?" Visser One asked.

" Well, my real room is being cleaned… And the room I'm _supposed _to go to is way on the other side of the Blade Ship! I'm not walking way up there!"

" So, where do you want to go?" asked Visser One in a casual tone.

I…. The OATMEAL… smiled slyly as I wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

" Come on," I said.

And so, with that, Visser One and I turned around and walked in the _opposite _direction of the hallway, leaving the Human Culture Fest – and all its embarrassments – behind…

… Oh geez, I have to go. I'll continue reciting the "trauma" tomorrow…

… The worst, believe it or not, is yet to come…

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**Please review! AND NO FLAMES, FOR THE LOVE OFWHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN!!!**

**Next chapter: What exactly happened after the HCF? And willVisser Three be able to live it down? ... Hee! Funny stuff in that chappie! **


	4. The Aftermath of the HCF

A/N: THANKS to everyone who actually reads this crazy humorous soap opera from hell! And keep on reading and reviewing, it only gets better from here!

Sinister Shadow

* * *

**_Visser Three's Diary_**

**PG-13**

**A/N:** Just to remind everyone that I don't own Animorphs, oatmeal, (for last chapter:) the songs "Barbie Girl" by Aqua and "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden, and gothic novels!

**AND: **THIS IS AN **ADVANCE WARNING: NO FLAMES!** I repeat**, NO FLAMES!**

... Happy reading of chapter four!

**Chapter Four: The Aftermath of the Human Culture Fest**

**(CONTINUED FROM CHAPTER THREE)**

_**Flashback...**_

_" Are you sure it's a good idea to break into Councilor Seven's extra room?" asked Visser One, leaning on the door, her hand clutching the handle._

_" Hey, he has a fountain and about ten million hot tubs in there!" I laughed. " It's worth it! You can have the first five million tubs, and I'll take the others."_

_The oatmeal was still in drastic effect. I had no control whatsoever over my actions. Aaah! Help! Pity me, you dapsenish oatmeal! _

_... I'm really pushing the addiction laws._

_" You dapsen," Visser One teased, slapping my arm. " No one has ten million hot tubs. Let alone in one room."_

_" ... Except Councilor Seven." I added, smirking like an Andalite._

_" No, you dope!" Visser One frowned, regaining a bit of herself for just a moment. " Not even Councilor Seven! Not even the _Emperor_! Not even -"_

_Before she could finish her sentence, I - in other words the _oatmeal _- grabbed her arm and drew her closer to me. I gently pressed my completely oatmealized human morph's lips against hers..._

_I remember Iniss telling me once about "human stuff". Supposedly, what humans see as "stuff" is romantic (a.k.a. exaggerratingly sympathetic) actions towards one another. I don't know why they call it "stuff". But then again, who _really _understands humans?_

_Anyway, this was a human kiss. Not so bad, according to me, and "awesome" according to the oatmeal. Cough That NEVER Cough leaves this Cough diary Cough! And as those few moments passed, the kiss became more passionnate..._

_Subtlely, my right hand slid behind Visser One, where it took hold of the doorknob and opened the door._

_... And then... Well, let me just tell you it's a good thing Councilor Seven is waaaay too dumb to have room security._

_... Did you _know_ that Visser One uses a different host here in space than she does for her duties on Earth? She owns like, I don't know, FIFTY hosts! ... I'm not very good at changing the subject, am I?_

_Well come on, people! Give me a break! At least give me enough of a break to make up for the one that frickin' OATMEAL forgot to give me!_

_**End of Flashback**_

**

* * *

**

July Second at like three in the morning.

Entry four.

Dear Diary,

By the time I got back to my room from the HCF, it was... eum, I wasn't sure at the time. But I knew it was late in the morning. Maybe even early afternoon. Shit, for all I know, it could have been the evening! But I didn't care. I just did NOT care!

I am a horrible, horrible Yeerk...

... And if I wasn't feeling bad enough already, here comes that frickin' INISS running towards me in the hallway, almost jumping in excitement. And he was followed by two of my security guards.

Great. I turned away and squeezed my human eyes closed (I was still in human morph, having demorphed and remorphed at least five times). Hey, you up there! Whoever's supposed to be my creator! ... You think I could wake up now? This isn't _funny_ anymore!

Well, one thing was definitely for sure: No way was I letting my little oatmeal-filled misadventure go public. So I turned around, ran past my dapsen assistant Iniss and my two guards (who just kept running the other way for a while before they realized I was no longer there...) and crept into my room.

Once inside, I fell dramatically onto my bed, exhausted (of course I have a bed! I don't want to be deprived of any luxuries the other Vissers have!). I didn't demorph again. Not yet. ... Not ... enough ... energy...

" Visser Three! There you are!"

I opened my eyes. There was Iniss, standing alone in the doorframe. I guess the other guards decided they had better things to do.

" Visser, where have you been?" Iniss exclaimed, " We've been looking for you since six o'clock this morning!"

" Oh yeah?" I asked, sighing in fatigue, " And what time is it now?"

" One o'clock in the afternoon, Visser!"

I swear, if I'd been standing up at that moment, I would seriously have fallen down and fainted.

" One o'clock!" I exclaimed, shooting up like a board instead.

" Yes." Iniss walked over to the side of the bed. He looked at me strangely. " Visser, you look awful... What happened?"

" Iniss..." I warned, " Don't go there."

" No really, what happened?"

" I stayed overnight, okay?" I yelled, " Sheesh, you damn personal assistants and your overprotectiveness..."

Iniss seemed insulted for a moment. But then, he regained his composure. Unfortunately. ... What? I love yelling at the guy!

" So..." Iniss took an excited tone, " How was it?"

" How was what?" I asked.

I was so embarrassed. I definitely knew what was coming. Hey, by the way, can I ask a question? How come you humans sometimes become very red in the face? Huh? What is that!

" Your blind date," he giggled.

And... That's when I remembered: 'Oh yeah! I have to strangle Iniss today!'

" INISS 226!" I roared, " HOW DARE YOU SEND ME ON A FRICKIN' BLIND DATE WITH THAT DAPSEN?"

Iniss quivered in fear. " Oh, c-c-come on, V-Visser." he stuttered, " Y-You two would obviously m-m-make a good h-human c-c-couple... Y... You fight all the time! I thought it was a g-g-good idea."

" Well, you thought wrong!"

Iniss seemed shocked for a moment, then he smiled.

" Then, if it was so horrible, why did you stay overnight?" he asked.

I _swear _my cheeks turned the color of human blood. I wanted to cry. And at the same time I wanted to laugh at the pure and simple irony of it.

I stayed silent for a long time before finally breaking the silence.

" I had _oatmeal_, okay!" I raged.

" Oatmeal?" exclaimed Iniss, staring at me intently. " Oh, now you GOTTA tell me what happened!"

" That is none of your business," I mumbled.

" What did you do, Visser?" Iniss asked sternly.

I tried not to blush too much. " Human stuff."

" Human stuff?"

" Yes."

" With Visser One?"

" NO." I said sarcastically, " With the Taxxon Emperor."

Iniss went white, staring at me.

" ... Of COURSE with Visser One, you big dapsen!" I rectified.

Iniss was silent for a moment. But then, to my surprise, he burst out laughing!

" You and Visser One doing human stuff!" he laughed, " _Together_? Woo _hoo_! Do you know what type of things those humans _do_!"

" I do now," I mumbled to myself. Then I added, to Iniss: " Listen, you dapsen, YOU'RE the one who set up this whole thing, so don't be laughing at me!"

Iniss didn't answer. He just kept laughing and laughing... and laughing...

" I always wanted a daughter-in-law..." Iniss managed to choke through his laughter.

I jumped up and whacked my strong... tired... human arms around his throat.

" SHUT UP YOU FRICKIN' DAPSEN!" I yelled. " NOT A SINGLE WORD OF 'THE TRAUMA' GOES PUBLIC, YOU HEAR ME!"

I paused, confused.

" Hey wait..." I then said. " You're not even my father!"

" I can be your father in the human world!" Iniss squeaked.

" RRRRRRGH!" I screamed in frustration, falling back onto my bed, my face smudged into my comfortable pillow.

... Like the ones they had at the Human Cul -

BAD ME! BAD, BAAAD ME! Shut up, you ANNOYING inner conscience! I had no idea you even EXISTED until now, so SHUT UP!

" Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh...!" I yelled into my pillow, frustrated.

There was no, I repeat, NO way I would ever live this down...

... Unless of course I became the Emperor! Now that would certainly help!

**

* * *

**

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

I opened the door to my room and stepped out, the light of the hall shining down on my slick blue fur. I walked slowly down the hallway, my four great, beloved hooves clicking! ... Never again would I wish that I had a better host than Alloran! Hah hah! I'd retrieved my Andalite form!

Nothing could stop me now! MWAHAHAHA! I could just forget about the trauma at the HCF and move on with my life!

Gasp! Oh NO! Visser One was walking down the hallway, fast-paced, her eyes looking down, seeming humiliated.

And she was coming this way!

Hee! Kind of awkward! ... Eu, I didn't exactly know that this little... hum! Misunderstanding... stood a chance of RUINING MY LIFE FOREVER!

Iniss, what have you done to me!

I blushed. I just _couldn't _let her see me! Not after _that_! I dove into an open doorway and found myself in the middle of about five-hundred people testing out Dracon Beams...

" Hey, look, it's Visser Three!" someone said.

" Hello Visser!" beamed a technician towards the back of the room. " Ready to test some Dracon Beams?"

What the freakin' HELL are you _talking _ab- I started.

" Okay, you dapsens, pass me the frickin' Dracon Beams before I take a FRICKIN' FIT!" yelled, from behind me, a very familiar voice...

... Oh oh.

I dove behind about twelve boxes and trembled like a dapsen who unwillingly did human stuff with his worst enemy...

And then, in walked Visser One.

" Oh oh, the Visser's mad." muttered a Dracon Beam tester to the Yeerk beside him. " The Visser's mad, what do we _do_!"

I swear he was trembling almost as much as I was.

... Just almost.

" H-hell-llo V-Visser!..." that shivering idiot over there said, " Would you... would you like m-me t-t-to

pass you the ne-newest box?"

" The newest box?" Visser One laughed sweetly. You know, sort of like the way Andalite females laugh when they've had their brain neurons accidentally sucked out.

Then, in a fraction of a second, her tone drastically transformed into a tone which I swear could have frozen the nearest star.

" The newest box!" she exclaimed icily. " Do you think I _care _which box you give me? I just want a box of tested Dracon Beams, and you will hand them over _right now _or else say goodbye to your PITIFUL INCOMPETENT HEAD!"

I almost laughed... That sounded exactly like Visser One talking to _me_.

... May I, once again, emphasize the "almost"?

" A distraction!" whispered the Yeerk next to the shivering tester.

" Yes... yes!" the tester mumbled back. " Oh, Visser One! Did you know we had a special guest here helping us today?"

My heart froze. My pitiful Andalite lungs froze. My brain cells just completely _froze_.

... Those idiots were using _me _as their distraction, weren't they?

I should have _known _this wasn't the way to the male waste elimination room!

" Oh yes?" asked Visser One in her famous not-impressed tone. " And who might that be?"

" V-Visser T-T-Three, m-ma'am!" stuttered the tester.

Visser One's jaw dropped. I swear she looked like she was about to cry in frustration.

... Then, her face became red with anger.

" That dangerously retarded DAPSEN is _here_!" she yelled.

" Y-Y-Yes," mumbled the tester.

" Where?" asked Visser One.

" Over there, behind those crates!" the tester indicated, pointing straight in my direction.

Visser One slowly looked toward the crates. The tester smirked and exchanged a glance with his friend.

DAMN YOU, you treacherous dapsen! _DAMN YOU_!

My nerves causing me to make stupid decisions, I jumped up to my full height and smiled and looked at everyone, including a very pissed-looking Visser One.

Hello everyone! I exclaimed like an idiot. Just thought you'd want to know that _all _your boxes are in perfect shape. Thank you.

Everyone just sort of stared.

" They're called crates, you know," said some Yeerk with a _reeeeeeaaal _nasal voice.

Oh _what_-friggin'-_ever_! I yelled.

I jumped over the boxes and landed in front of Visser One.

" Well, well, well..." she sneered, raging, " If it isn't Mr. Oatmeal."

All the technicians and all the testers immediately shut up and looked at us intently.

I raised my head to the sky and rolled my main eyes dramatically.

Look, Visser One... I said, still not believing my next thought-spoken words were about to leave my mind... I need to talk to you.

" Oh yeah?" Visser One yelled. " About what? About Councilor Seven's ten million hot tubs!"

Argh. I looked somewhere else for a moment. Can we _please _not talk here?

" I'm not going anywhere." she said, crossing her arms.

Listen! I raged, grasping her shoulders and shaking her twice. I'm going to talk anyway, so either we go somewhere else, or I'll talk in front of _all _these people... And you _know _about what!

Visser One glared blazing daggers at me, but then stomped her foot in anger and followed me outside.

Once we were away from the dangerously nosy testers, I closed the door behind us and faced my worst enemy, whom I found myself hating even more after... after _that_.

As soon as the door closed, Visser One attacked me with accusations.

" What the hell is your problem!" she yelled. " You think you can drug me and -"

Look, you big dapsen, _I _was on oatmeal too! I shot back. So don't think I purposely drugged you. It's not _like _that, okay?

" Big dapsen your-freakin'-_self_!" Visser One exploded. " I've never been more _humiliated_! I mean... it would never have been so bad if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that it just happened to be _you_. You're the big frickin' _dapsen _here, not me! I don't even know why I'm talking to you! I _hate _you!"

Hot tears began to streak her face as she stomped the ground in frustration.

" ... And he didn't even haveten million hot tubs!" she sobbed. " He only had _three_! Divide _that _by two, Oatmeal-Man. What, I get one, you get one and we each get half of the last one? You frickin' imbecile!"

She stormed off, leaving me to feeling like a dapsen who just got told off by an even _bigger _dapsen.

I WAS ON _OATMEAL_! I yelled, throwing my pathetic Andalite arms in the air. Damn!

I felt like a low-rank for a minute, but then I regained my composure.

FINE, IGNORE ME, THEN! I screamed.

" I'M PLANNING ON IT, YOU DAPSEN!" Visser One screamed back, slamming her door behind her as she regained her room.

And then, for the first time since last night at six twenty, I felt good.

... I guess no matter how bad your life can get, it never fails to eventually go back to normal...

In other words, as normal as it could get from here.

And so ends the horrible misadventure lived by me at the Human Culture Fest. Though I do not hope you enjoyed laughing your head off at my horrible fate and oatmeal-filled antics, I'm sure you have. ... And what the hell are you doing reading my diary anyway! I TOLD YOU IT'S PRIVATE!

Anyway, I must be going. Iniss is screaming at me from the room to come rescue him from a bunch of mad Hork-Bajir who say they were told to burn things... I personnally think he's been reading too many of those human goth novels... Where the frig did he _get _those, anyway? Probably from the guy in room twenty-four who's only hobby is stealing everyone's pillows...

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

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**PLEASE REVIEW! No Flames, No Flames, No FLAAAAMES!**

**Next chapter:** Visser Three attends, uninvited of course, a birthday party. There, he will get the chance to speak with the Councilors and, hopefully, BRIBE them to promote him! Oh yeah, and have I mentionned that day is also CURSED?


	5. Birthdays and Councilors

**Visser Three's Diary**

**by Sinister Shadow**

A/N: In a review for last chapter, someone asked me what the word "dapsen" meant. You should be able tell approximately what it means by the way it's used... The word is a grave insult, and if it was translated into English, there'd probably be swear terms involved. So let's just not go there, alright?

**CHAPTER 5 - Birthdays and Councilors**

Still July 2nd, at eleven o'clock at night.

Entry whatever.

Dear Diary,

It's official! My LIFE is ruined. RUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIINED!

... Okay, I won't make an extreme point of making an even bigger fool of myself today.

Argh! Argh! Argh! WHY am I so cursed lately!

... I know why. Because this month... this month, the human month of July, end of the Yeerk month of Ahjito, is cursed. It is the most cursed month EVER!

The month... of Visser One's birthday. Cue psycho music.

And not only that! Today was the DAY of Visser One's birthday! Ha ha, what an abnormal coincidence!

... I _told_ you I'm cursed.

Visser One had returned to her beloved Empire Ship sometime during the afternoon, just after our argument concerning the cursed HCF. She landed it on our home planet, which I hadn't seen for a while. Now, _this_ is going to sound typical... She was holding her party on the far end of the Yeerk Homeworld, where she rented an entire INN for the evening. A whole inn! The guys must have paid _thousands _of Yeerk Coins to get an invitation! ... And... forget I said that!

I wasn't invited, of course. Now _that _would be weird (if, of course, I hadn't experienced enough weirdness during the past two days). In fact, the only year I was ever invited to Visser One's birthday party was last year, when I was trying to trick her into confessing something treasonous by being nice to her (was THAT ever a long year...).

... She didn't buy it, of course: She invited me because _she _was trying to bribe _me _into confessing something treasonous. So typical of her.

But anyhow, back to the present... Of course I wasn't invited! Especially not after the trauma at the HCF! I mean, Visser One was still raging at me: She yelled at me _all night _last night from her room next door about how stupid I was. And about drugging her (which I DID NOT DO!). And also about 'those primitive things'. Whatever those primitive things are. Probably something that concerns human females on Earth.

No, I wasn't invited. But I went anyway. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to look like a better male to Visser One? ... Now, could you answer that _yourself_? Really. Do you really think I _give _a damn what the devil thinks about me? No? I thought not. And for the last time, you dapsen, WHY ARE YOU READING MY DIARY?

... What? Because I felt _guilty_? Oh no. No no. I do not feel GUILTY. Don't even GO there. First of all, INISS should be the one feeling guilty, not me! Geez, if I _ever _get stuck with human children because of him trying to perk up my 'love life', he better have adoption files ready, because those kids are getting a nanny!

... A big, annoying nanny. And her name is Iniss... I almost feel sorry for those nonexistant (thank God) little double-evil-incarnate vermin. And that's a large emphasis on the 'almost'.

Anyway, I was going to Miss Devil's birthday party because, and I know this is going to sound strange, it was a big oppurtunity for me. See, in case you hadn't already noticed during the HCF, everyone just _loves_ Visser One. It's sickening, actually... She gets a present like _every day_! From yet _another _brainwashed goo-head male!

... What about me, huh! Why don't _I _ever get presents? What's WRONG with you people?

Anyhow, I decided I was going, invitation or not. Everyone _knows _I want to get a promotion. I mean, HOW LONG have I been stuck at Visser Three? Ever since Alloran came along! I bet Alloran's stench is keeping me from being promoted! I mean, in a way I don't blame them... Lord knows we wouldn't want Alloran contaminating all the bathrooms!

The Councilors were therefore the only answer to my prayers... Stupid Alloran... Of course, those thirteen Pretty Female Hunters would also be at the party (Emperor included. I know his secrets...). I would go, and I would pretend I didn't exist.

... And if Visser One hunts me down with a pitchfork, I'll tell her that Iniss slept with a poster of her last night.

So, determined, and my plan all worked out, I set off to the large room where Visser One's party was being held. I knew I didn't belong there. Not in a million years! But did I care?

... Not in a million years.

" Hey! Visser Three!"

I stopped dead. No... I was hoping it was a nightmare. It _had _to be a nightmare! I mean, there's a point where you just can't _get _any more cursed, you know? And I had reached that point last night.

I slowly... _slooooooowly _turned around. Yeah. Just a nightmare... Fiou!

" VISSER THREEEEEEEEEEE!"

Iniss jumped on me, singing a song like nothing I've ever heard.

... Great. Whatever happened to the NIGHTMARE! Did _Iniss _really have to be _here_!

So much for secret mission...

( Iniss! ) I pushed him roughly off me. ( What. The HELL. Are you _doing _here! Can't you see I'm in the middle of )

" It's VISSER ONE'S BIRTHDAY!" Iniss yelled like there was no tomorrow.

( Yes, yes I _know _that. ) I said dully. ( Who _doesn't _know that? )

Iniss smirked. " Awwwww...! What, do you have it marked on your cal "

I raised my tail.

" ibre seven Dracon Beam!" Iniss added quickly, terrified.

I glared, the look in my eyes telling Iniss to watch his pitiful rear end.

" Sooooo..." said Iniss, changing the subject. " I bought her something!"

( You _what_! ) I exclaimed.

Iniss ignored me completely, which is SO against the beliefs I invented for him. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a tiny box.

" I think she'll like it," said Iniss, sounding excited.

( You mean you _hope _she'll like it. ) I corrected.

" That too."

He opened the box, and I had to lean close to see what Iniss's gift, a.k.a impressing tactic, was.

I thought of a dozen of things it could be. But definitely _not _what it really was...

It was a gold stone. A _ring_! Where, where, _where _did Iniss possibly get enough money to be able to buy Visser One a gold stone ring! They _cost _like a million Yeerk Coins apiece!

( Whoa! ) I yelled, grabbing the box from my instantly rich P.A. ( Iniss! What the hell! )

" Aw, I borrowed the money from the Emperor," he said, smiling like a low-rank who got to wash the Blade ship. " He's such a nice guy!"

Iniss kept walking.

" Alright, now I'm going to the party." he said. " See you later, Visser! I'll bring you back a large piece of cake!"

( Whoa, whoa, whoa! ) I exclaimed.

I jumped in front of him and pushed him back.

( Just... Just _hold on_ a second! ) I said. ( The Emperor gave _you _a million Yeerk Coins to buy Visser One a gold stone! Doesn't _he _want to buy Visser One a gold stone! This makes no _sen _)

" Actually..." Iniss scratched his head, looking embarrassed. " He kind of... doesn't know I took the money."

If I had a jaw, it would have dropped down to the floor. I felt like morphing to Lerdethak and ripping Iniss to shreds. Although he probably wouldn't be any good without barbecue sauce... Ah well.

( You _stole _a million Yeerk Coins from the _Emperor_, you freaky dapsen! ) I yelled in private thought-speak. ( Iniss, if I get _fired _because of you, your HEAD is going to get FIRED right off your shoulders! )

Iniss gulped. I turned around and walked away, throwing the gold stone ring back to my deranged personal assistant.

And then, not saying another word, I kept walking down the hall towards the party, leaving crackhead here behind...

* * *

I decided to morph to human _before _going to the party. Aren't I genius?

I used my Victor Trent morph, and not Jamie Kleine. Jamie Kleine was the guy I'd used for the HCF, so if I went in with that morph... we would have one screaming Visser One.

Now, sure, old Vicky wasn't as great... But he would do. I mean, having a nose as long as the Empire Ship wasn't half as bad as Visser One screaming her guts out in your face.

I morphed in the bathroom and then headed into the large room Visser One had reserved for her party. Large! It was freakin' gigantic! I counted five food and drink counters, a large stack of bark in the right-hand corner for the Hork-Bajir, and a bunch of grasslike foods and plants for her seriously weird P.A., T.E. the vegetarian Taxxon, who, I SWEAR, knows every single language in this arm of the galaxy. Plus English and Chinese.

I mean, the guy doesn't even have a Yeerk in his head! And he's CLEAN! He doesn't even _smell _half-bad! ... Not that I go around smelling people, but I swear he isn't a real Taxxon.

Okay, so back to Miss Multi-Millionaire's room... There were at LEAST a hundred tables for two, but only about ninety-nine for groups of three or four. All kinds of couples mates in pairs, friends, co-workers, siblings sat at the duo tables. There were also a few complete sets of Yeerk mates: Two males, one female, as it always is. Those sat at the tables for three. The tables for four were mostly taken by groups of friends or siblings. Or by Yeerks who have a very wrong image of the mating system.

There was music playing, too. Mostly Galard. Some Yeerk, though, too, and a few human songs Visser One picked up while she spent a whole year doing who-knows-what on Earth. The Yeerk music took a while to register since we were in hosts.

Galard is a very cool language, as you humans would say. It's all like "AYKA HIN!"! And "Kih", which means hello. The way to say hello in Yeerk is better, though: "Chiva"!

... Anyway, enough about literature. Because here came Visser One.

She walked into the room, chatting casually with her assistant T.E.. I was one of the first to see her, and I was surprised she didn't notice my incredible tree of a nose.

Some guy a guy I knew got up and walked toward Visser One. She went "Hi!" and almost ran him over. But he just smiled and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. I almost puked.

... Then I looked briefly back at the tables and saw like a thousand jealousy-ridden, angry guys...

Maybe I'd puke later, when there was no one to attack me with a pitchfork.

I turned back to Visser One and realized she was gone. So was the guy. But looking a bit aside, towards the left, I spotted him again. He had just completed a group of twelve by going to rejoin his friends.

His friends the Councilors.

The only one who wasn't with them was the Emperor. Whoever the Emperor is. See, nobody really knows. He changes hosts like every day.

But still, I was sure he was the missing member. Unless one of the Councilors got sick and decided to rule all the way to the john.

Whatever, this was my _chance_! My chance to prove to the world that I, Esplin Nine-Four-Double-Six, the prime, would be the next EMPEROR!

... Maybe my _only _chance...

I couldn't let it pass. I just couldn't! So, taking a deep breath, I started walking toward them...

" Councilors, Councilors..." I said as I took the last few steps.

This was going to work! They would embrace my genius and sign me up immediately for the post of Councilor. THEN, I'd finally be at a higher position than Visser One!

My DREAM would come true!

" Ah, if it isn't Visser Three," said a Councilor at the left, whom I immediately recognized as Councilor Eight. A.k.a the guy from the hugging scene.

My pitiful human jaw dropped.

" How... _How _did you know it was me!" I whispered.

" Oh come on," he sneered with very fake affection. " You think I wouldn't remember Vicky? ... Anyhow, you still keen for a promotion?"

" As always," I said, dropping the Vicky issue.

Now see, if there's a guy out there who drives me so insane I can't even _think _of a torture worthy of the dapsen, it would _have _to be Councilor Eight. I feel like smudging his face in rotten oatmeal every time I see him, okay! WHY do I hate that dapsen so much, you ask? Of course that's what you're asking... Of course. You damn humans _always _want to know WHY, don't you!

Okay, here's your why: This guy seems to think he's all that, for some reason. I mean, for OATMEAL'S SAKE, he's not even the _Emperor_!

... I swear, if _Councilor Eight_ ever becomes the Emperor, I will personally frickin' KILL myself.

AAAAAAAANYWAY... Councilor Eight is the kind of Yeerk who thinks he's _superior _to everyone else. He's got an _anger problem_ towards many people. I don't know how he _ever _got to his present rank... He's so frickin' _obnoxious _and _self-absorbed_. I mean, why would anyone ACT like that? I wouldn't, that's for sure! I guess I should just count myself lucky to be _nothing _like him.

Anyway, _he_ hates _me_, too. And he thinks he's the single best. Next Emperor. An international phenomenon! Why? Two words: Visser. One.

Haven't we all heard this story, now! Frickin' aggravating, if you ask me: This guy starts drooling over Visser One, and follows her everywhere. Along with all those OTHER males. But mister International-Phenomenon-(My)-(Butt) wasn't _like _the other males. Oh no. Visser One starts flirting with him, and... BAM! They're official mates!

... And, since then, they've become pretty close... Well, so far, Councilor Eight's done a lot of what Iniss calls "human stuff" with her, about five hundred thousand times. And that's without counting all the times I _wasn't _spying!...

Uh-huh, I know I'm sick. What do you want?

" There's Visser One," said another human-Controller Councilor. " Whoa. Are those _new_?"

His mouth and eyes widened to the point where his fellow Councilor had to thwack him across the head.

" Snap out of it, Seldar!" he exclaimed. " It's never gonna happen."

I blinked twice, staring at the strange scene of a guy who expects WAY too much...

... Wait... What am I ...

Hum! Never... just never mind.

" ... You wanted?" asked Councilor Eight, annoyed.

" Oh yes!" I recalled loudly. " I wanted to explain why... that is, why I think you should promote me to the rank of Councilor!"

Councilor Eight sighed. " Well, let's hear it, then! I have to go see Visser One before she leaves again!"

I inhaled proudly. This was it!

" Alright," I said, smiling like a doaf, " There are at least five reasons why I should be a Councilor. Reason number one..."

I lifted up my hands and motioned to the top of my head.

" ... I have an Andalite host! I mean sure, he stinks... But that doesn't matter! I could spy for you! Andalites are great spies, you know."

The Councilors exchanged glances. It was working! I was getting to them!

" Reason number _two_! I know everything about Andalites! That should come in handy in the middle of a war with the _Andalites_!"

" Yeah, but we're not _in _a war with the Andalites right now." said that frickin' GEEK Councilor Eight. " We're trying to infest _humans_, remember?"

" We're trying to infest _huuumans_, remember?" I muttered under my breath, imitating Councilor Eight in the universe's biggest sneer.

" I have a question!" said a certain Mr. Loud-And-Nasal in the back.

" Uh-huh," I prodded.

" Do all your reasons have something to do with Andalites?"

" Eum, no. ANYWAY, reason number three..." I stepped over to an older human-Controller Councilor and took his hand in mine, " ... Councilor Eleven here is getting to be too _old _to continue his duties... The poor Yeerk. I'm sorry to say he'll need a replacement soon... And what better replacement than ME, ME, ME!"

" For oatmeal's sake, Yeerk!" Councilor Eight exclaimed, " He's _only _sixty-four! And from the looks of things, you aren't much younger!"

" Heh heh..." I said. " Well, at least _I _stay in _shape_!"

" Yeah, yeah." Councilor Eight, of course. " Reason four. Hurry up!"

" Right. Reason four... I like politics! I'm better at planning wars than fighting them. Honest!"

" Uh-huh, subordinate-killer." said Councilor Eight _completely _irrelevantly.

" Reason five..." I said through clenched teeth, " I am a GREAT leader! I can lead anything. ANYTHING, I tell you!"

" Well, he is great at giving orders," said Councilor Four, the only NICE Councilor. Thank oatmeal for him.

" Yeah..." said Councilor Eight. " I think we'll _pass_."

He motioned to his fellow Councilors, indicating to them to follow him.

" Come on, guys!" he said proudly. " Who wants to go see my awesome mate?"

" Meee..." said that guy Seldar, from a while ago," You frickin' lucky dapsen..."

So they all left, leaving ME behind! Uh-huh! I told you Councilor Eight was mad!

" Wait!" I yelled. " WAIT!"

The Councilors stopped and turned around impatiently.

" I... I have a... a... a?... a poem!" I finally blurted out.

Councilor Eight smirked. " Hold it, guys. This ought to be good..."

" Go ahead!" said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, " I love spiritual souls...!"

Everyone sort of gave him the fish eye.

" WHAT!" he exclaimed.

" Okay, GO!" Councilor Eight snapped.

I took a deep breath, thinking hard... And then, suddenly, it just _came _to me! The perfect poem!

... If this didn't win them over, I don't know _what _would!

So, proud of myself, and slightly gassy too... Must've been the shrimp... I started reciting my wonderful masterpiece:

" A Councilor's life

Is a life of mine

You get to fight

You get to dine!

You get to drink

Oatmeal wine

Without being charged

A frickin' FINE!"

I smiled. The Councilors all stared at me.

" You're _weeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiird_." said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

Then, to my surprise, they turned around and kept walking! No, this just couldn't be! They had to promote me! They HAD TO!

" No, WAIT!" I screamed like an Andalite.

They turned around once again, raging...

... And in a last desperate attempt to win them over, I sang, on the tune of that human children's gospel song, "I am a Christian!":

" I am a C! I am a C-O! I am a C-O-U-N-C-I-L-O-R! And I have C-O-U-N-C-I-L in my H-E-A-R-T! And I want a P-R-O-M-O-T-I-O-N!"

I stopped singing and the echo vibrated throughout the room. When it died down, the _whole room _was silent. The only sound that could be heard was a Hork-Bajir in the corner of the room who, despite the silence, had continued imitating a chicken.

Everyone stared at me, unimpressed... I felt AWFULLY small for someone of my incredible power.

" Heh heh..." I said, embarrassed. " I had oatmeal?"

* * *

So that's how, two hours later, I finally broke out of the nuthouse.

See... hum! I guess the Councilors didn't react to my little ditty as well as I would have hoped...

They sent me to a facility for mentally challenged Yeerks. Well, let me just tell you... I think they made a mistake: My life has been plenty easy so far, and there was no challenge. So if they thought _this _place would be a challenge... Their brains must be melded! All you did here was listen to these people who asked you how many fingers they were holding up. And people, if you spend a whole day following a frickin' PEN with your eyes, you should be forced to move to the Andalite Homeworld, not come to a place that's supposed to be _challenging_.

So, not knowing why the HELL I was there, I stole a Dracon Beam and blew a hole in the floor. Then, equipped with Alloran's nutsoness, there I went, shooting down that damn hole at speeds the likes of nothing you've ever seen.

( WHEEEEEEE! ) Alloran, that frickin' imbecile, yelled in my head. I had _no idea _he could be so immature.

Suddenly, I hit the ground with a large THUMP. I definitely was _not _going back up there... So I blew enough holes through the left wall to make a tunnel and clear me from the facility.

( Fiou! ) I exclaimed. ( That was close. At least nothing went wro)

And then, even before I was able to finish my sentence, the entire facility behind me just blew up. Teaches me to open my large, nonexistant mouth. Ha ha, burn, Visser Three!

Well, at least I'm still in one piece... even though that won't last for long, with my stupid curse! ... But while it does, might as well make Alloran jump like a little girl... Hah... That always cheers me up in front of the mirror late at night...

And besides, those guys at the facility got what was coming to them! No one swings a pen around in front of MY face! _Nobody_!

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

P.S. - Twenty Yeerk Coins say Visser One and Councilor Eight are up to something right now... I'm off to spy!

* * *

**NEXT CHAPTER: Visser Three goes back to the past (not literally) and tells the story**

**about how he met and hired his P.A., Iniss.**

**Please review!**


	6. Truth or Dare, Part One

**Visser Three's Diary**

**(I don't own Animorphs)**

**A/N: **Hey y'all! Yet another chapter up and ready! Hope you haven't missed me too much! (people laughing and saying 'Yeah right!' in the background) ... Shut up. Okay, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I worked REAL HARD on this chapter! So please, when you're done reading, review! I'd really appreciate it. Okay? Okay.

**Chapter 6 - Truth or Dare, Part One**

July Sixth

Entry six

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I was invited to yet another celebration. It wasn't a birthday, it was just sort of a friends' gathering. A nice, quiet evening organized by Councilor Four, whom I know quite well.

The day after Visser One's birthday party (four days ago), all we forty-seven Vissers had to go to Visser One's Empire Ship for a couple weeks to attend the biannual Visser-Council reunions. The twelve Councilors and the Emperor would also be present, of course, implying the "Council" part of Visser-Council.

So, considering the Empire Ship belongs to Visser One, and that Visser One is my worst enemy, you can probably understand why I wasn't as hyped up as everyone else about spending two weeks on the ship. A.k.a. in Visser One's territory, with all of her brain-dead, weirdo followers.

Well at least there were still the rare NICE people, like Councilor Four. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when he invited me to his gathering and saved me from intense boredom.

But let's start from the beginning...

I first got the invitation while Visser One and I were having a really bad fight. Why, you ask? Well, Iniss was trying to spy on her while she was taking a shower, but he was sitting right on a ceiling vent, and, as you must have guessed... the vent caved in and Iniss fell on the ground right next to the shower... As soon as Visser One was dressed and put her hair in a nice ponytail, which took about fifteen minutes (more like hours), she barged right in here, practically shooting me with her fully-loaded Dracon Beam, and started yelling at me. Yeah! Me! That crazy woman can't even tell the difference between me and my freaky, mentally disturbed P.A.!

" Oh nice." she said, angry as hell. " So now you're sending your personal assistant to take pictures!"

Can you believe this? She thought _I _wanted to spy on her, not Iniss! I quickly pointed out to Ms. Deranged that Iniss is madly in love with her (while Iniss was tomato-red and shaking his head like a freaking lunatic), but then she started yelling at me for thinking she was stupid, and I had problems, and this and that and whatever the hell reason.

And then, that mad, crazy Yeerk started throwing the entire contents of my room at me. So I fought back, of course, and soon we were just completely raging at each other! Fun day, huh? Geez, living in a female human host for so long must have caused that PMS stuff to rub off on Visser One. Not that Visser One didn't _always _have PMS. Or something similar, anyway.

You think _that's _bad? It gets WORSE. During the _whole time_, Iniss was crying in a corner, like the little kid whose parents are yelling in his presence. Not that Visser One is Iniss's mom. Considering his feelings for her (which he yaps about like 24/7), that would be quite disturbing.

But in any case, you can pretty much imagine how happy and relieved I was when my computer console suddenly shouted out "You've got MAIL!". Now, in ordinary situations, the whole "You've got MAIL!" thing is actually quite annoying. But this time around, it was like a call from the heavens.

As soon as I heard the joyous, heavenly beeping, I threw one last jar of Iniss's cocktail stew at Visser One's head and rushed to the good old computer console. I pressed a button and the message popped up in front of us on my 3D hologram displayer.

Curious, Visser One wiped a drop of cocktail stew from her cheek and came over to see what was up. Iniss, equally curious, finally got up out of his corner and stopped bawling like an Andalite bandit (HALLELUJA!). He walked casually over and stood beside Visser One. But I, of course, was not fooled. Maybe if Iniss got lucky, a hair off Visser One's head might fall out and he'd be able to do whatever he wants with it. But other than that, he was just fooling himself.

" What _is _it?" Visser One asked.

I shrugged sincerely. She looked closer at the message scribbled across the huge three dimensional screen. It was nothing but a whole bunch of incomprehensible blabber. Even for me. And with my Andalite host, I have NO language barriers. Heh. I love using Alloran for my own great purposes.

Visser One frowned. What did I do now? I hate it when she just won't stop being ANNOYED! It's fun to annoy her, but when I don't WANT her to be annoyed, it's just annoying, you know!

She laughed and shook her head like she just couldn't believe how dumb I was.

" I just can't believe how dumb you are," Visser One said loudly.

( What on the Yeerk Homeworld did I do now?)I asked.

She looked at me like I was a big dope.

" Esplin, you big dope..." she reached over to the control pad and pressed a few buttons. " See _that_? You have to put it in _reading format_, duh."

( Well geez, Visser One! ) I exclaimed, slightly offended. ( You know how often I use this thing? With all the time I have to spend in the frickin' bathroom with this gosh darn host, if I get twenty minutes a week it's a plus! )

" ... Gosh darn?" asked Visser One.

( Did I _say that_? ) I yelled. ( Damn Iniss got it stuck in my head! Iniss, from now on every time you say 'gosh darn', I'm going to hire Visser One here to slap you to death. )

" She'll touch me?" exclaimed Iniss.

( She'll wear gloves. )I said quickly. ( Hard metal gloves. )

" Do I get to keep the gloves?"

( NO! )

" Y-Yes Visser!"

" Actually..." said Visser One. " I won't. Why should I do anything for a dapsen like you!"

( I'll pay you. )I said.

She placed her hands on her hips and leaned slightly forward.

" I already get paid enough for all the other services I perform around here," she said, waving a five-hundred coin in front of my face.

( ... I'm not even going to _ask_. ) I said, slightly appalled.

So _that's_ how she got so rich...

" Yeah, she appears in the Yeerk Bulletin almost every day!" Iniss said a bit shyly. " ... I've had all the copies since I was twenty-two."

( That's not the only thing, I'm sure. ) I added.

Visser One glared me down.

" Okay, just read the frickin' message!" she exclaimed.

The message! I had completely forgotten about it! I turned back to the console and started reading it aloud.

( Let's see... It says: Hello Visser Three! This is Councilor Four. I just wanted to let you know that you're invited to a friends' gathering tonight organized by me... )

" You have friends?" Visser One cut in with yet another irrelevant comment.

( Shut up. Anyway, eum... arrive at my room at seven o'clock, feel free to bring a guest if you wish, and the party ends whenever we feel like it. Hope to see you there! )

" Interesting." Visser One. Her eyes averted, then set on the message. " Look, there's a P.S."

( P.S., ) I read. ( Is Visser One in there? If so, I tried to invite you but you've been gone all day... Are you there? That'd be surprising, but whatever. Worth a try. See you, Visser Three, and Visser One if by some miracle you're in Visser Three's room. )

" Ha ha, funny..." muttered Iniss, trying not to be too audible.

" Oye," sighed Visser One. " Slightly embarrassing P.S... Anyway, bye dapsens, I'm off to get ready for the gathering."

She turned around and left the room, walking like some sort of supermodel. Maybe it was due to the fact that she thought Councilor Eight would be at the gathering and was high on cloud nine wondering what she was going to wear. Or maybe it was just because at first glance she actually _does _seem to be a supermodel... but whatever it was, I decided, for everyone's safety, that it was best not to bring Iniss along. I didn't want him yapping my freaking ears off about how hot Visser One looked, or even worse, attacking Councilor Eight with a pitchfork and getting ME kicked all the way out of the Empire and left behind on the Andalite Homeworld... Shudder

Anyway, since it was now four thirty, thanks to Visser One, who wasted almost an hour and a half of my life... I decided to yell at Iniss, order him to lock himself in his room while I was gone, and make a fabulous early entrance at the friends' gathering! Answer to your Imaginary Question One: No, I'm not gay. I just use the word fabulous because I forgot its synonym. Answer to your Imaginary Question Two: Yeah... you guessed. I'm not going there early for all the 'grand entrance' shit. I just got nothing else to do, so what the hey!

... What the HEY!... INISS!

I. Am going. To kill him.

_Okay! Forget about Iniss, Visser Three! _I reminded myself. _You have to get ready for the friends' gathering!_

I stormed off into my room and suddenly got all hyper as I leaped onto my bed and started jumping like a madman. Oh no! Alloran was trying to control his body! ... Heh. I hadn't had this much fun in _years_! ... Or at _least _in a few weeks.

Knock knock.

" Visser Three?" I heard Visser One's voice from next door.

I stopped jumping as some random spring decided it would be a good idea to break. I fell onto the ground, rolling to soften the blow.

Heh... I laughed.

" Visser THREE!"

(_Whaaaaat_! ) I demanded.

" Should I wear shorts or a skirt?"

( Training shorts? )

" _YES_, Visser Three!" she said sarcastically, " I'm gonna go wear TRAINING SHORTS at a friends gathering! Yeah. Mm-hmm! Not likely!"

( I still say shorts. )

" Okay then, I'll wear a skirt. Thanks!"

( No prob. )

I concentrated on deciding which human morph I was going to pick. I could use Vicky, but his Dracon cannon of a nose might knock something expensive over and I'd get kicked out. There was also Jeremy Blight, but he has an annoying vision problem. Then there's Aria, but you know what? She's not exactly a GUY! I'd have to like borrow Visser One's extra skirt, which would NOT be fun... So yeah, that's basically all my human morphs! Okay, Jamie Kleine, you're up! Attractive, handsome, and with those piercing eyes that are SO the type of eyes I should have. Yeah! And no way do I care if Visser One looks at me funny the whole time. She always looks at me as if I were a rotten Andalite excrement, so why should this bother me?

" Visser Three?"

( What now? )

" Should I wear my red one-sleeve or my gold halter?"

( Your gold halter. )

" Alright, so I'll wear the red -- wait... Damn you!"

( Yeah... Now you'll look like you're on my side! )

" Arr... So I guess you made a good FIRST choice. Gold halter it is."

( Ha ha. )

" Shut up."

Hah, I love messing with her nonexistant brain...

Anyway, making sure nothing was burning or anything, I set off for... my front door. Fun life, eh?

* * *

Once I left my room, I realized it didn't take all that long to get to Councilor Four's gathering. It was just one flight of stairs up (yeah, there are STAIRS here. In a SHIP!). But, of course, knowing my incredible laziness, I decided to take the air lift.

... So that's how I ended up in front of Councilor Four's door, two and a half hours early, ringing the buzzer. Over and over... and over... again.

Bzzzzzz.

And we wait. One minute. Two minutes...

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

( Ohhhhh, Councilor Four! )

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

( Answer the door! )

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

( Councilor Four! It's me, Visser Three! Open up! )

BZZZZZZZZZZ!

BANG BANG!

( ANSWER, DAMN YOU! )

Suddenly, the door slid open. I regained my nice-little-visser pose, still in Andalite form (hence the thought-speak) of course. Councilor Four was standing in the doorframe, looking like hell just froze over.

( Surprise! ) I exclaimed.

" Visser Three." said Councilor Four. " It's four forty in the afternoon. I said SEVEN!"

( Yay! ) I exclaimed, bounding into the room. ( Pillows pillows pillows pillows! )

Councilor Four rolled his eyes.

" So much for my _nap_..." he muttered, closing the door behind him.

* * *

We waited a _looooooooong _time for all the guests to show up. We sat around and talked, mostly. Talked about a lot of things. About our lives as high-ranking Yeerks. About events of the day. About our dumb old P.A.s. And, of course, as it never fails, about Visser One. About how incredibly attractive she is. And, in my case, about how incredibly _annoying _she can get.

But anyhow, as soon as everyone arrived, we sat in a sort of circle on the ground with pillows. My idea. I don't know what's up with me and pillows. They're just WICKED!

But soon... Soon I noticed there was something missing. Something I usually notice missing, too. And I knew exactly what it was.

" Guys, where's Visser One?" I asked everyone with my newly acquired human mouth. " She's supposed to be here, right?"

" Why, do you miss her?" asked a certain particular dapsen we know as Visser Four. " _Awww_... Isn't that sweet. Visser Three misses his little --"

" Yeah, she _is _kind of late, isn't she?" Councilor Four cut in, completely ignoring Visser Four.

" Not that I care." I said quickly. " I'm just wondering if she chickened out on wearing that skirt."

" She's wearing a skirt?" about five guys asked at once.

" Yeah, unless she chickened out." I said.

" I still say he misses her." Visser Four smirked.

I was about to reply when suddenly, the door swung open. No warning, no buzz, no nothing. She just whipped open the door and walked in, wearing... heh... a gold halter top and a short black skirt. Aren't I good?

" Visser One, glad you're here!" sad Councilor Four.

" Yeah, well... Sorry I'm late," Visser One apologized, smiling a little sheepishly at Councilor Four. " I had to go pay a little visit to Councilor Eight. He's been sick all week. Can't even control his left arm. So yeah, it took a little longer than I thought... But now I'm here!"

She sat down, relaxed, resting her arm on a pillow and crossing her legs in front of her. Her hair was down, perfectly shiny. I guess she decided to take out the ponytail. How many tiny decisions does she make every day, anyway?

Anyhow, after Visser One arrived, a sort of awkward silence settled in. Councilor Seven was the one to break it about five minutes later, asking in a shy voice:

" Soooo... What should we do?"

Visser One looked at him and shrugged.

" We could practice combat," she said.

I sighed. With Visser it's _always _something that has anything to do with military training... I decided, for everyone's sake, that it was best to disagree.

" And break Councilor Four's exquisite lamps?" I asked. " I don't think so."

Visser One looked at me. Then her eyes widened as she realized what morph I was in... and quickly looked away.

" We could play spin the bottle!" said Councilor Seven hopefully.

" Eu, no." said Visser One.

" Or we could do something else," Councilor Seven added quickly.

Silence settled in once again. This one lasted for about twenty seconds, before Councilor Four made yet another suggestion:

" We could have a karaoke contest," he said. " You know, like the humans do? I have plenty of disks in Galard."

" Yeeeeeeeaaaah..." I said digustedly, recalling my disturbing adventure at the HCF. " Let's not."

Visser Four suddenly smirked. I looked at him, preparing to kill him if he made even the slightest smide remark about the HCF. But he didn't. Not even _close_.

And what he _did _say turned out to be even _worse_...

" I know!" he said. " ... Let's play truth or dare."

For some reason, he looked at Visser One. Soon, everyone else did, too... Besides ME, of course.

Councilor Four smiled a bit dumbly and nodded.

" Great idea, Visser Four!" he exclaimed. " Let's _definitely _play truth or dare."

Visser One looked at everyone and frowned.

" Okay. Okay, _why _is everyone looking at me?" she asked. " Stop looking at me."

They all just stared.

" I SAID STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!"

Everyone snapped out of it and quickly looked elsewhere.

" Okay, so... who starts?" I asked with the mouth I had in human morph, trying to break the awkward silence that had settled in.

" Well," said Councilor Four, " I know it's my birthday... but since it was Visser Four's idea to play this game, I see it only fitting that he should start."

That dapsen Visser Four had such a big smirk on his face when Councilor Four said that...

... That you can definitely understand why I couldn't help but gulp largely when I realized he was looking at _me_.

" Alright, then," he said gleefully. " It was very honorable of you to let me go first, Councilor, and since you've insisted... Visser Three, truth or dare?"

I took a deep breath. What should I do? I knew Visser Four had something awful planned for me...

... But _I _was not a chicken!

" Dare, of course!" I said arrogantly.

" MWAHAHA!" laughed Visser Four. " You fell directly into my trap!"

" ... Just say the dare, Visser Four." I insisted.

" Okay, if you say so! You poor dapsen..." he laughed. " Visser Three, you hate Visser One, don't you?"

Oh no! He wouldn't.

Eeeeek... Yeah, he would!

" Yes, as you all know," I replied.

" Of course you do." said Visser Four. " So that's why, Visser Three, I dare you to passionately human kiss her for two minutes."

Everyone gasped. _Especially me_.

" _OOOOOOOOHHHH..._!" said some frickin' geek toward the back of the room.

" WHAT!" Visser One, obviously.

" You... You're _joking_, I hope..." I said nervously. " Hah hah! Very, _very _funny Visser Four."

" No, I'm not kidding." said that incredible, HORRIBLE dapsen, " I want to see if you're too afraid to do it! And Visser One, sorry about this... Hey, if you want, we can go to this week's club party together, to make it up to you."

Visser One crossed two dapsen signs with her fingers, glaring daggers at Visser Four.

" You wish, you disturbing freak!" she said icily. " Oh, and Visser Four, sorry about that... Hey, if you want, after Visser Three's done his dare, I can Dracon Beam you in the head, to make it up to you!"

I wasn't really paying attention to any of this, you know. I was a lot more preoccupied with my _dare_...

One day, all these people are going to end up killing me...

Now, in normal times, I would have just refused. But anyone who has _ever _played this game with high-ranked Yeerks knows that the chickens (you know, the stunts you have to pull off if you're brave enough to refuse a dare) are cursed. Example: Councilor Four told me that once, on the Homeworld, he'd refused to knock on the Emperor's door and yell for mustard-flavored oatmeal, and his chicken was to go outside in broad daylight, wearing nothing but pink undies and a thinking cap, and run around the Empire Building waving the Andalite flag... He had some serious explaining to do after that. And trust me, I did _not _want to go there.

" ... Alright, I accept," I sighed, glaring my eyes out at Visser Four.

" Huh?" asked Visser Four, taken aback by my agreement.

" Did I hear that right?" exclaimed Visser One, almost as nervous as I was. Emphasizing the 'almost'.

" Yeah," I said. " I mean, I don't want to have to end up doing one of those frickin' cursed chickens..."

" Have it your way," said Visser Four, smirking like a Skrit Na.

I almost jumped up and pounded him. But I didn't dare, with all the demotion-capable Councilors here.

" Why didn't you dare _me _to kiss her?" whined Councilor Seven, a.k.a Seldar from Visser One's birthday party, a.k.a the guy whose room Visser One and I decided to steal after the HCF... Which, by the way, is not leaving this diary.

Of course, neither the Councilors nor Visser Four knew anything about our little oatmeal-filled incident at the HCF. So they could not possibly understand how thick the tension between Visser One and I became when Visser Four dared me to kiss her.

But unfortunately... I would still have to do it! Oh WHY, you dumb old creator? WHY?

Visser Four shot an incredibly evil look at his watch.

" Okay..." he smirked. " Three. Two. One. _Go_."

* * *

**Please review if you want me to continue!**


	7. Truth or Dare, Part Two

**A/N:** Hey everyone! I know you've been waiting for this… Well, you better be happy! I did practically this whole chapter in the space of three hours! I worked hard! (proud face) Hope you like it! (P.S. – You may want to **re-read Chapter Six** first, since this is part two.) Enjoy! This chapter may not be quite as funny as the others. It's still funny, just not _as _funny. But don't worry, the humor's not gone. Not at all! It's just that this particular chapter wasn't supposed to be all that funny. I'm sure you'll like it anyway. I know I do (!)!

**_For Concrete Angel, Edriss and all the other Closet Fans in the world (thanks for the e-mail, Edriss! If you don't know what a Closet Fan is, read the reply I sent you)._  
**

**_Flaming Freak of Boredom: Thanks for the e-mail!_**

**__**

**_Visser Three's Diary_**

**Chapter 7: Truth or Dare, Part Two**

_Still _July 6th

Entry seven

Dear Diary,

… Ahem. Sorry about the little cut-off. I have my reasons… What are they, you ask? WHY DO YOU DAMN DAPSENS WANT TO KNOW! IT NOT LIKE LIFE OR DEATH OR _SOMETHING_!

… Yeeeeah. Alloran's intestinal problems were bothering me and I had to go use the Andalite toilet. For ten minutes. And then when I came out I realized Iniss had stolen my oatmeal stash (again) and ate it _all_. Then I had quite the Iniss-beating to do… And the _entire _time, the dapsen was singing a crazy, probably oatmealized human song that went along the lines of… "Visser Three and Visser One, sitting in a TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Unfortunately for the poor, oatmeal-filled dapsen, I _CAN_ spell! And then… well… Let's just say Iniss was "in for it", as humans say. I won't go into the details of what I did to him after that. It was too gruesome… But let's just say the poor slave could hardly move an inch for about a week afterwards…

Anyway. Back to today's recital which was RUDELY INTERRUPTED! (Cough InissCOUGH!)…

… That's about all of the friends' gathering you need to know. Now, today! What I did today. Now that is a FAR more interesting…

What?

Why do you want to know more? It's not like you really _have _to know… You humans and your "natural curiosity"… Speaking of that! GET OUT OF MY FREAKING DIARY!

… Okay okay. Just a joke, already! Seems your "natural curiosity" has blinded your "sense of humor"!

Yes, fine. I will tell _you_, Diary, not the humans, all about the fateful kiss of death…

… What? Of _course _I accepted! I wasn't just about to let Visser Four talk me into doing a chicken! … And besides… kissing Visser One could give me sort of an edge of control on my fellow Vissers and even the Councilors. _Plus _it would make Councilor Eight _mighty jealous_! Nyeh heh heh…

Never mind how I know that.

Anyway, back to the story…

ZOOMING BACK IN TO THE ROOM OF ULTIMATE DOOM (COUGH!SorryCouncilorFour!COUGH!)…

Where were we? Oh yeah. We were at the part where Visser Four said:

" Three. Two. One. _Go_."

Visser One looked at me, giving Visser Four the dapsen sign in the process.

" Why do we _do _these things!" I squeaked, looking up at the ceiling while trying very hard not to blush myself out of the host.

I sort of inched myself forward, dreading the two minutes that were to come. Visser One sort of inched forward as well, her eyes wondering why the hell I had accepted this weirdo madman stunt.

Then, suddenly, we were right in front of each other.

" When we get the hell out of this room…" I whispered in her ear. " This never, _ever _happened."

" Oh, like you had to tell _me_!" she spat back angrily.

" Come on." I told her, sort of reassuring myself in the process. " Let's do it. I want to get this over with."

Visser One gave me a toxic look.

" Oh I'll bet," she muttered sarcastically.

" Come on!" Visser Four. " Tic toc, tic toc!"

" Look, dumbo," I snapped, holding out my hands. " If you want to publicly embarrass me, we do it on my own time!"

I turned back to Visser One.

" You're really mean." Councilor Four said lamely in my defense.

" Hey, I know!" Visser Four replied proudly.

Visser One and I sort of looked awkwardly at each other for a moment, then Visser One exploded.

" Geez, you dapsen!" she exclaimed. " Get. It. Over with! If you're not going to do it, then I will!"

" Feel free!" I snapped.

And with that, Visser One leaned in close and locked our lips together.

" Whoo HOO!" the geek in the back said.

" Ah yeah…" said Councilor Seven.

" Funny…" Visser Two muffled a laugh.

" Passionately!" Visser Four exclaimed. " I said _passionately_!"

I then told Visser Four something extremely rude. But, since I was kind of busy at the moment… hum! … all anyone else heard was " Mmm hmu, mm mmuhim mmhmm!"

Unfortunately, people indeed took the comment the wrong way…

" He's liking it," said Visser Two.

" I wish I was him…" Councilor Seven moaned.

" What'd he say? I think he asked for an extended sentence." said the incredible retard which is Visser Four.

" MM MM!" Visser One and I both practically yelled, shaking our heads frantically.

" Well that's what's gonna happen if you don't do it PASSIONATELY!" Visser Four shrieked like an Andalite.

" Mmhmm, mmhmm!" I shot back. Translation: "Okay, okay!"

" NOW! Or else it's FIVE minutes!" Visser Four warned.

I practically had to pry Visser One's mouth open. I took her face in my hands and realized abruptly that her cheeks were burning with embarrassement.

_Oh geez, can people see this! _I screamed interiorly. _If Visser One's embarrassed, then we all know _I _am!_

I tried to calm down a little. It wasn't very hard. I just had to sort of lose myself in the moment, you know? Like the HCF. That's it! Like the HCF. _Pretend you're at the Human Culture Fest, Visser Three!_

Recalling the moment, it wasn't exactly half bad. It was like I was alone in the room. I was still kissing my worst enemy, sure, but no one was there with us. The humiliation was gone. Visser Four? Visser Four who?

We kissed, deeper and deeper. The rest of the world became locked out. That is… locked out until someone had the incredible nerve to play with the lock…

" Visser Three?" I heard a voice. " You can stop now."

" Visser Three?" Councilor Four. " … You're starting to worry me."

I opened my eyes. And instantly, everything came rushing back in to my mind, overflowing my system.

I looked around. I was on the floor. Now why was I –

" YAAAAAAAHH!" Visser One screamed shrilly.

I looked at her. She was right there, laying on the floor beside me.

" Holy…!" I jumped up.

Visser One's cheeks went blood red. She sat up, breathing heavily. She straightened out her long black hair and her shirt.

" Was… was that two minutes?" I demanded.

Councilor Four looked at me, trying not to laugh.

" No, dopehead, that was three." Visser Four remarked. " I decided… you know… since you were having so much fun…"

I practically leaped at him.

" Just you wait…" I muttered.

" Okay, okay, enough!" smiled Councilor Four, amused. " Since you were dared last, Visser Three, you get to ask someone now."

" Me?" I asked, still a little disoriented.

I shot a glance at Visser One, still red and humiliated and looking down at the ground. I sort of felt a little sorry for her at that moment. See, I knew she was feeling the same way as me…

" Alright…" I said kind of sinisterly, trying to collect myself as quickly as possible. " Who shall I ask…?"

I thought for a minute. The desire was great to dare Visser Four to do something horrible... But I couldn't think of something horrible _enough _at the moment… So I passed. Councilor Four? Nah, that'd just be mean. He sticks up for me when everyone else is running away like the dickens. Visser Two, the angry weirdo with the sunglasses? Visser One herself? As much as I'd like to, no. See… There was one person that, through all the humiliation , I wanted to get back at most.

So I did.

I stood up on slightly trembling legs.

" I ask that frickin' GEEK in the back of the room!" I exclaimed.

Everybody just sort of stared.

" _Wha _-- " Visser Four started.

But before he could finish his sentence, Councilor Four lit up.

" Oh, you mean Councilor Three?" he asked. Then he turned towards the back. " Come on out, Councilor Three. I know you like the curtains, but it's time to move on with life."

We waited in the silence for a moment, and then, footsteps were heard… And as we looked on towards the back of the room, a figure slowly stepped out of the shadows...

" OOOOOOOOOH!" Councilor Three yelled. " Daylight!"

I rolled my eyes. Holy… Not Councilor Three. What the hell was Councilor Four _thinking_!

… Maybe I should back up and explain.

You see… Councilor Three is a Yeerk who isn't exactly quite alright in his mind. Don't get me wrong, he's extremely intelligent, especially when it comes to Yeerk politics. No wonder he got to his present rank… Duh. It's just... You know, he's _weird_.

And I mean REALLY weird. Remember the time I went to Visser One's birthday party, and there was this nasal guy who kept tellin me he liked "spiritual souls"? Yep, that's Councilor Three. He is basically just your average geek.

Actually… this guy… is probably the hugest Yeerk geek of all time. He wears plaid shirts, ties, and even big glasses. He spends his time doing things such as sharpen his pencils with his teeth. Definitely a bizarre Yeerkie... I hardly even even refer to him as Councilor Three, for that matter, since his extremely loud, nasal voice has given him his obvious nickname: Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

So, yeeeeeah… You can understand why I was kind of… hum… "disappointed" that he was the geek in the back, although by all accounts I _should _have guessed.

" Hello, Councilor Four," said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal in his ever-familiar nasal voice.

" Hello, Councilor Three," replied Councilor Four with as much of a smile as he could muster.

" Hello, Visser Four," Loud-And-Nasal.

" Hello, Councilor Three," Visser Four allowed patiently.

" Hello, Visser Two."

" Yo, Councilor Three."

" Hello, Visser Three."

" Um, _hi_." I said, just completely weirded out.

" Hello, Visser One…"

" Bye, Councilor Three."

Loud-And-Nasal was a little taken aback by that, although I would have just let it go and moved on. But that's just me.

But, of course, considering Visser One's reputation around here, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal didn't dare leave a comment.

" Okay peeps, why have you summoned me?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, of course.

" Eum… Because it's Visser Three's turn to dare and he picked you." Councilor Four replied kind of smugly.

" Oh, how very kind!" Loud-And-Nasal exclaimed. " Well, go for it, then."

" Yeeeeaah…" I muttered under my breath. I tried to ignore Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's extreme weirdness. " Okay. Mr. L – _Councilor Three_, truth or dare?"

" Truth," he said. " It's more truthful."

" Okay…" I said, kind of nervous. The truth is, I wasn't expecting that.

" Okay what?"

" I'm thinking of a good question."

" Ah."

" Okay I've got one!" I exclaimed.

" Yes?"

" What is the most randomly stupid thing you've ever done?"

I smirked. This should be good… Knowing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, it would be something along the lines of "Once, I couldn't sleep, so I yelled at my portable communicator to shut up, and it said "HEY! Councilor Three! You want to dance?" So I did and it was such a fun night…"

" Hum…" Loud-And-Nasal started. " Let's see. Well, there _was_ this one time…"

" Continue…" I prodded.

Mr. Loud-And-Nasal put on this very scary smile that would have sent me running away screaming like an Andalite if it wasn't for the anticipation of hearing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's answer.

" Once, I couldn't sleep," he started.

And… BINGO, as the humans say. Wait for it… wait for it…

" … so I put on these WICKED shoes and tapdanced for a while. Then, when I got bored of that, I randomly decided to rewind the tape I had recorded the previous day… I watched the whole thing about ten times!"

Okay… what? _That_… definitely was not what I expected. Okay, then. Well…

" What was the tape about?" I asked.

" What tape?" Loud-And-Nasal asked kind of stupidly.

" YOUR tape!" I exclaimed. " The one _you said_ you recorded!"

" Oh, that tape!" he recalled. " … That was just a tape of Visser One in her room."

" WHAT!" Visser One shrieked.

" Ah yeah?" asked Councilor Seven. " … Is it… by any chance… for sale?"

" No."

" Lords, haven't you people ever heard of freaking PRIVACY!" Visser One yelled. " I swear I am going to camera-proof my room…"

" Okay… Thank you…" I said, eyeing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. " For that… interesting answer."

" Now can we get on with it?" Visser One asked with clinched teeth, making an aggressive fist at Loud-And-Nasal. She mouthed the words "You're DEAD!", which caused the poor Councilor to turn away hurriedly.

" Alright, Councilor Three, your turn." Councilor Four announced, laughing. Everyone else, obviously, had gotten a good chuckle out of Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's answer…

" Wow!" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal exclaimed happily. " Okay. I shall randomly pick a subject."

No one had anything to say to that. Except Visser One, of course, who just has these ticking urges to drop a snide remark on everything.

" Yeeeeaaah…" she said, raising an eyebrow at Loud-And-Nasal. " You do that."

" Yes, I shall!" Loud-And-Nasal agreed, ecstactic that the pretty female was agreeing with him.

He walked over to a corner of the room, standing up with his face hidden against the wall.

" Okay," he said, " Everyone, say HI!"

" HI." Visser Two said.

" Hi," Visser Four and Councilors Four and Seven echoed.

" Hi…" I followed, just completely weirded out.

" Bye," Visser One, of course.

Mr. Loud-And-Nasal turned away from the wall, looking happily at us and smiling like an Andalite bandit.

" Okay, who said HI first?" he asked.

" Eum… Visser Two did," I replied.

" Oh." Loud-And-Nasal lit up. " So Visser Two, you will be my subject."

" Is there a hidden meaning to subject?" Visser Two wondered skeptically.

Mr. Loud-And-Nasal seemed puzzled.

" Okay, never mind." Visser Two allowed.

" Visser Two, truth or dare?"

" Dare," Visser Two said instantly.

Instantly, Mr Loud-And-Nasal walked over to the spot where Visser Two was sitting.

" Here," he said.

He took off his monstrous glasses and handed them to Visser Two.

" Put on my glasses," he smiled.

Visser Two gave him just a slight fish eye.

" … That's my dare?" he asked skeptically.

" Yes. Why?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal demanded.

Visser Two laughed noisily. " Fine by me!"

He snatched the glasses from Loud-And-Nasal and shoved them on his face.

… You… you do _not _know how incredibly stupid he looked at that moment…

" Oho!" Councilor Four smirked.

" Heh heh…" Visser One covered her mouth, trying very hard not to giggle. But then she burst out laughing.

" Heh…" I couldn't stop myself from saying, smirking my brain out.

Now… you have to understand that Visser Two is one of those males who go host-happy and are under the impression that they are, as the humans say, cool. And now, that impression has caused him to become the coolest-looking males in the Empire. He wears these great jackets and sunglasses and all that junk… So you can pretty much imagine how incredibly weird it was to see him wearing geek glasses.

By the time he took off the glasses, we were all basically rolling on the floor laughing.

" You find that funny, do you?" Visser Two accused.

" Yep!" I choked out.

" Indeed, very," Visser One said, uncharacteristically agreeing.

As I watched through blurry eyes, Visser Two glared at us before yanking off the glasses and returning them to their rightful owner.

" Ganks," said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

" … Excuse me?" Visser Two exclaimed. " _Ganks_?"

" Ganks." replied Loud-And-Nasal. " It's how 'thanks' sounds with cheese in your mouth."

" Yeeeeeaaah…" Visser Two muttered under his breath.

These _people_… And you actually wonder why I am insane.

" Your turn, Visser Two." said Councilor Four, typically not skipping a beat.

Visser Two smiled exitedly at him.

" Hee! Woo hoo... Visser One, truth or dare?" he asked, turning his gaze to Visser One.

Visser One thought it over for a moment.

" Dare," she then said.

" Oh, yay!" that weirdo Visser Two exclaimed, almost wetting himself.

" What's _your _problem?" Visser One exclaimed exasperatedly. " Get it over with already!"

" Oh, I will…" Visser Two laughed evilly, anticipating.

He got up, leaned over toward Visser One, and whispered something in her ear. She eyed him weirdly, raised an eyebrow, then got up and walked off with him into a side room. Visser Two closed the door behind them.

Awkward silence settled in for a moment.

" What. The hell!" Visser Four exclaimed.

For once I actually agreed with him!

" What's he going to do?" I added. Then I shuddered. " Oh geez… I don't even want to think about it."

" What!" Councilor Seven complained. " He has to make the dare public! That's against truth or dare rules!"

" No it's _not_," I made an extremely rude face at him. " You're just afraid he's going to do something with her while you're sitting around here waiting."

Visser Four smirked.

" Tense. Very tense." he said. Then he turned back to the others. " I told you guys something was up."

" Leave Visser Three alone," Councilor Four said in my defense. " You're just being ignorant of people's feelings."

That did it. I jumped up, looked fiercely at Councilor Four, then at Visser Four, then back again.

" _What _FEELINGS!" I exclaimed. " I don't have any _FEELINGS_!"

" Hey, when he's right, he's right," Visser Four allowed.

I slapped my hand against my forehead in absolute frustration.

" Okay…" Councilor Seven said nervously. " Can someone _please_ go see what Visser Two is doing in there?"

" Visser Three?" Visser Four suggested.

" _Visser Four_!" pretty much the whole room said at once.

" I'll go," said Councilor Four, starting to get up from his pillow.

My pillow was nicer than his…

… Yes, I know I have absolutely no life.

Councilor Four got up and started walking toward the side room. But before he could take even two steps, the door opened and Visser Two came out.

" What did you do?" I asked, maybe just a little tensely.

" Aww… See, Visser Two?" Visser Four said mockingly. " Visser Three wants to make --"

" Would you _shut up_, you enormous dapsen!" I yelled.

… And I guess my tone basically shut Visser Four up for a little while.

Visser Two looked at me, shrugging. " I just sort of explained her dare to her, gave her the stuff, and sent her to the bathroom to change."

" Excuse me? Change?" I asked.

" Protective, protective…" So much for Visser Four shutting up!

" Did you get her to dress in drag?" Councilor Seven asked hopefully.

" Hot outfit?" Councilor Four suggested.

" Lingerie?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

Everyone just kind of stared.

" Eum… _excuse me_?" I exclaimed, a little grossed out.

I kicked Visser Four on the side of the head before he could even dare.

" No, nothing like that." Visser Two said.

Everyone's eyes drooped.

" It's better!"

" Oh!" Councilor Seven said. " Well that's fine by me."

" What is it?" I asked, dreading the answer.

" You'll see…" Visser Two replied simply.

Five minutes later, we were still sitting on the floor with our beloved pillows. And it was five minutes later that we finally got to see what the hell Visser Two had planned at our expense...

… Well, mine anyway. I don't think any of the others minded much.

The first thing we heard was the bathroom door opening, then closing. Then, the sound of delicate footsteps. And then... well, the rest is history.

She walked in, wearing the tiny silver-and-black bikini and sunglasses Visser Two had brought, planning his dare. Makes you wonder where he goes shopping.

I looked at my fellow males. Visser Four fainted. Councilor Seven had a rivet of drool running down his chin. Visser Two's eyes were as wide as two Skrit Na ships.

Then, Visser One yanked off the sunglasses gracefully and made a sort of small, devilish smirk.

" Bathroom!" Visser Two yelled, practically holding himself.

Visser Four, conscious again, whined. The poor dapsen. Ouin-hin, I feel _so _bad. ... Frickin' jerk. Frickin' whiny jerk.

" Am I through?" Visser One complained. " Visser Two, _where _do you go shopping?"

" Do not disturb!" yelled Visser Two from the bathroom.

Visser One rolled her eyes and sort of swiped her hand through her hair, all high-and-mighty like she always is.

" Can I take this thing off now!" Visser One yelled impatiently at the bathroom door.

Everyone instantly relaxed on their pillows. Everyone except _me_, of course…

" Feel free!" Councilor Seven exclaimed.

_Thank the freaking lords_, I simply prayed, _that I did not have the horrible, terrible lack of common sense to bring Iniss here._

Visser One eyed Councilor Seven disgustedly. Councilor Seven looked down, seeming to be trying to figure out how to drill himself into the ground.

After a while, Visser Two came out of the bathroom and Visser One changed back into her halter and skirt.

" Thank the LORDS I am _out_ of that evil thing!" Visser One sighed. Then, she added accusingly: " Ah! You _males_!"

That got a laugh out of everyone. Including me.

Although mine was _much _less audible…

We eventually got tired of playing truth or dare. We eventually got tired of the friends' gathering, for that matter, so at around twelve thirty, we each packed up and returned to our separate rooms…

" Iniss!" I exclaimed, knocking on the door. " Open up, I'm back!"

Almost instantly, the door opened, and I stood face to face with my personal assistant.

" Visser, do you want some oatmeal?" Iniss exclaimed joyfully, shoving a bowl of maple-and-ginger oatmeal in my face.

Way too joyfully.

" Okay, Iniss." I said skeptically. " What did you blow up now?"

" Why, nothing Visser!" Iniss said genuinely.

I smirked. Then I took the oatmeal.

" Fine, fine…" I sighed. " But if I find anything wrong with my room, you're in for it."

" I was already in for it this morning, Visser," Iniss smiled.

I sort of glared sideways at him. Then I walked off to the side room in which I held my private quarters, including the useless bed. I only realized a moment later that Iniss had followed me.

" Are you okay, Visser?" he asked me.

I spun around to face him. " Okay? Me? … Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

Iniss nodded. " Of course you are, Visser. Just thought I'd ask."

" Well don't _think _anymore!" I exclaimed. " You're not supposed to think! You're supposed to obey. Now get! Get out of my room! Come back tomorrow at eight for cleaning!"

And with that, Iniss, now terrified, ran off, closing the front door behind him.

I entered my quarters and set the oatmeal down on the table. Then, I laid down on the bed.

Eventually, I resumed my Andalite shape. I don't know when, exactly. I was too preoccupied. Far too preoccupied with thoughts and memories of the previous five and a half hours…

And that's what I kept telling myself: _They're just memories, nothing more._

I didn't sleep at all that night. Not one minute. But that's okay…

I hardly ever sleep anyway.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466.


	8. Trips and Trikes

**Visser Three's Diary**

by Sinister Shadow

**Disclaimer: I do not, have never, and probably never will own Animorphs.**

A/N: I'm putting this **CLARIFICATION** up here after an early-chapter reviewer got mixed up. I'm putting it basically everywhere now because I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING THIS! You cannot read this story thinking this! So please, you must realize this very important V3D fact: In "Visser Three's Diary", everyone, **Visser One's host body is NOT MARCO'S MOTHER**! I tried to make it clear in a later chapter (chapter 4). Visser One only uses Eva for her duties on Earth, therefore not up in space in their ships. In the story she is usually present with a host named Isabel Jameson. NOT MARCO'S MOM! Geez, even I wouldn't do THAT! Sorry for any confusion.

Anyway, now that _that's _cleared up… read on!

_**Thanks Edriss, Keeda, Concrete Angel, Kharina and Flaming Freak of Boredom for the e-mails and IMs… and encouragements! This one's for you.**_

_**Thanks voodooqueen126 for the e-mail! I hope my reply helped… Hope you see this, and welcome to the team! **_

**Chapter 8: Trips and Trikes**

July 11th

Entry Eight

Dear Diary,

Plenty of times before have I said that the present day was the _worst _day in the history of everything that exists. I mean, I've had such horrible experiences in this past cursed month! I've been sent to a nuthouse. I've been set up on a blind date with my worst enemy by my personal assistant. I _hired _my personal assistant... You see? Real bad stuff.

But were each of those actually the _worst day _of all eternity?

Not even close. You see, that day was today.

I know what you're thinking: " Visser Three, Visser Three... You'll see, in a couple days you'll have an even _worse _day than today. And then it will be the same old story all over again."

But if you said that… you'd be a dapsen! Because you see, nothing… _nothing _could ever surpass the horrible humiliation I had to endure today. Okay? NOTHING. N! O! T! …

Okay you get it. Horrible. Freaking HORRIBLE day…

… But let's start from the beginning.

And the _beginning_… was when Iniss suddenly had the nerve to drop a pot of steaming water on my head.

( YAAAAAAAAAAOW! ) I quaked.

" AAAAAH!" Iniss screeched.

( WHAAAAAAAT WAS THAAAAAAAAT! ) I demanded.

" I – I don't know!" Iniss said lamely.

( Iniss! ) I rolled my eyes. ( It's not like you just came into my room while I was sleeping and this pot of steaming water just _magically _dropped out of your hands! )

" I swear I didn't do it!" Iniss insisted.

I looked at him for a moment, a mixture of disdain and appalled amazement lighting up my eyes.

( Iniss! ) I yelled. ( You're HOLDING THE POT IN YOUR FREAKING HANDS. )

" Oh." Iniss abruptly realized. " Ahem. I shall be going."

( Yes, you do that! ) I said as patiently as possible, clutching my burnt, half-asleep Andalite head.

" Sorry Visser!" Iniss moaned as he squarely leapt out of the room.

… Don't you just _hate _waking up like that?

And, weirdly enough, at that very moment, I immediately got the ticking feeling that this would turn out to be yet another bad day…

But… of course… what else can you expect, in this human month of July?

---

I'd sort of taken a break from writing in this thing since the friends' gathering. But you know, it's been five days… And I'm feeling much, _much _better now.

Friends gathering? … What friends' gathering?

Visser Four? … Who's he?

"Are you okay, Visser?" … Yes, I'm fine, Iniss. Now make the bed, and for the lords' sake DON'T FORGET THE CLEANING!

See? I've been practicing!

But… despite all the practice I'd gotten over the past days… Iniss STILL forgot to do the cleaning.

I guess some things just _never _change…

It was about ten minutes after the Iniss-Screwing-Yet-Another-Thing-Up incident of this morning. No, not the one with the water. The one _after _that… I won't go into the frickin' details, okay? MY mind is still recovering… Let's just say it was gruesomely horrifying, and it had something to do with the human substance called peanut butter, a video camera, and the Andalite Porta-John… Uuhh! SO not going there today.

But anyway, I was just sitting around my room with Iniss still squirting blood all over the cupboard (teaches _him _to piss me off!), when someone knocked on the door.

- Toc toc.

( Coming! ) I said.

I leapt up from the carpet in my center room and ran off to open the door.

But, of course, on the way there, I just _had _to get Alloran's left forehoof tangled up in a bunch of wires.

( WHAAAAAA! ) I yelled publicly, desperately trying to regain my balance.

But before I could, the wires pulled. They pulled and pulled and then…

- SNAP.

( Woops… ) I said, looking back.

- TSSSSssssssssssshhhhhhhh… POW!

And then, right before my eyes, the whole room went dark.

( Oh oh… )

- TOC TOC TOC!

( I'm COMING already! Who is it! )

No answer.

Just as I expected.

I untangled my cursed hoof from the destroyed wires and cursed at myself for a while as I walked over to open the door.

( Did Alloran _really _have to possess such damn clumsy hooves? ) I muttered. ( I mean, the whole frickin' room… First INISS and his PEANUT BUTTER with my oversized freaking toilet… And now we've lost not _only _the bathroom, but the whole damn room! What else could _possibly _-- )

I never had time to finish. Because just then, I got to the door and slammed down the open button, causing the door to open, slower, before it went dead like the rest of the room.

But it opened enough for me to see who was there.

Never in a _million years _will you EVER guess who it was!

" What the HELL did you DO!"

Her face was red with complete and absolute anger.

( Why, Visser One, ) I sneered as usual, rolling my eyes. ( What a wonderful surprise. )

She glared murderously at me.

" WHAT. DID. YOU. DO!" she yelled.

( I don't know! What did I do! )

" Visser Three!" she rolled her eyes and swept her fingers roughly through the long strands of black hair that had fallen in her face. " You like BLEW UP the entire ship!"

( _What_ are you -- ) I started.

And just then did I realize that the corridor behind Visser One was dark.

( Holy shit, was the impact really that hard! ) I exclaimed privately to myself.

" What are you, phazed out?" Visser One exclaimed. " This is freaking _serious_! I can't get back into my own room! The door's closed and T.E. won't be able to open it thanks to YOU!" she jabbed an accusing finger into my chest.

Beyond my own patience, I grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her roughly into the room.

" Hands off!" she shrieked, kneeing me squarely in the lower stomach.

( OHH! ) I grunted, letting go quickly to soothe the new bruise Visser One had created on my abdomen.

_I'll have to morph later_, I told myself.

( Tense. ) I frowned. ( Very tense. Did you take your little yellow pill this morning, Visser One? )

Visser One glared ragingly at me, frowning.

( You know, ) I said, just a little ticked off. ( You should _smile _once in a while. Give everyone a FRICKIN' BREAK! )

Visser One's face remained cold and emotionless. As it always was.

( Oh my frickin' GOD! ) I screamed. ( Why! WHY ARE YOU HERE! )

" Well, at _first _I came here to yell at you for keeping me up all night screaming…" she looked away. " … never mind. The IMPORTANT thing is, I was late for a _very _important Visser evaluation this morning!"

About the screaming thing… She's lying. She just forgot to take her pill this morning. It happens a lot. I never screamed anything. Really.

… REALLY!

( Visser One, ) I said solemnly. ( No matter _what _the rush, you must always take the right medication. )

" Would you SHUT UP about the little yellow pill, you enormous dapsen!" Visser One raged. " Now… I _was _coming here because of your infernal racket… But _now _we've got MORE problems. YOUR HOST IS CLUMSY!"

( How do you know about Alloran and the wires? ) I demanded. ( Do you have like telepathic vision or something? )

" Oh _yes_," Visser One said in possibly the _most _sarcastic tone I have ever heard. " You freaking DOPE! Even from here you can see those poor completely _annihilated_ wires!"

( That _still _doesn't explain Alloran, ) I countered.

Visser One looked at me matter-of-factly and blinked twice. " You have a piece of wire hanging from your hoof."

I looked down.

_Damn Andalite absorption abilities… _I cursed.

Before Visser One could shove the incredible burn even deeper into my face, there was a sickening lurch as the ship heaved, sending all my belongings rocketing toward the walls and ceiling. I saved as many as I could, with Visser One's hands now tightly ringed around my throat.

" I am SO going to ring your _neck_!" she screamed.

" VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSER!" Iniss shrieked from the cupboard.

( What, you dapsen? ) I snapped.

" We're all going to DIE!" Iniss bawled hysterically. " WOE are we!"

I turned slowly back to Visser One, who was now glaring murderously at me, breathing heavy, furious breaths, her face an inch from my own.

( Eum… ) I squeaked. ( … Iniss reads Shakespeare? )

" YOU --" Visser One started.

( Okay, okay, ) I calmly pushed her tense hands away from my throat. ( Now, let's both just calm down. I can cut open your bedroom door -- )

" – So he can steal your Councilors-only exclusive posters," Iniss added VERY irrelevantly.

( … _Noooo_, so I can get VISSER ONE to take her freaking damn pill, so she can freaking CALM DOWN! Ugh! Hormones! )

Visser One shot me a disgusted look. " They're not _hormone _pills, you idiot!"

( That's not what I meant! ) I shot back. Then, I added more privately to myself… ( We _already _allknow what those pills are. )

" What was that?" Visser One snapped.

( Oh… nothing important, ) I shrugged.

" I don't know what they are," said Iniss.

( No, _you _wouldn't know, ) I told Iniss quite frankly.

" You're a _creepy _old Yeerk, you know that?" exclaimed Visser One, giving me a sideways slap.

I blushed. ( I'm not OLD! I'm _only _fifty-five! )

Visser One crossed her arms and blinked twice. " Oh, and _I'm _twenty-two!" she said in her fake-dumb voice.

( Okay. SO WHAT if I'm like almost three times your age! ) I yelled. I hated it when they had the nerve to bring up this intolerable subject with me… ( You're a freaking BABY! And _baby _Yeerks are incompetent. )

" I'm not a baby!" she countered, " I'm seven years into adulthood!"

( Yes, and I see you haven't _wasted _this… adulthood. )

" You're a dope."

( You're a much larger dope. )

" Hello! This host weighs one-hundred eleven pounds. Jumbo Anda-Monster over here weighs about twenty-one thousand!"

( Twenty-one _thousand_! ) I exclaimed. ( Okay, that's it. Visser One, even if I have to _force _that pill down your throat -- )

" Why doesn't Zero-Space have toilet facilities?" Iniss wondered aloud.

" The PILL is in my room, and there is _no way _-- " started Visser One.

But right then, there was another sickening lurch… and then…

- Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep!

" _Attention all passengers!" _the automated voice of the Empire ship's head pilot echoed throughout the hallway behind us. _" Due to a major power failure inside the ship, we are forced to carry out an emergency landing on the nearest planet to start repairs."_

We were all basically silent for a moment. Iniss squirted blood out of the gash I'd made on his leg. Visser One looked like she was about to pass out. I… I was just kind of there.

" Visser Three…" Visser One sounded exhausted and tearful. " I hate you."

She let herself slump down on the nearest comfy chair and started smacking her forehead in frustration.

" You _destroyed _my ship!" she yelled, beyond simple anger now.

I sighed noisily, raising my stalk eyes to the sky. ( I didn't. Do it. On freaking. PURPOSE! )

" Yeah right!" Visser One yelled. " Your entire life is bent on destroying everything that means anything to me!"

( So what! ) I shrieked, spreading out my arms in ultimate frustration. ( You forget I'M ON THIS SHIP TOO, GENIUS! )

She had no answer to that. She just sat there, uncharacteristacally slumping, looking depressed.

---

" Okay, okay, everybody out!" yelled the ship's navigator, rushing us along.

Visser One glared murderously at him. Of course, the arrogant navigator was completely oblivious to that warning sign. His funeral…!

" Hurry _up_!" he exclaimed. " We don't have all day! Keep it moving, keep it -- "

" Move THIS!" Visser One exploded.

Everyone within a five-mile radius was then able to witness Visser One grabbing a huge Dracon cannon energy recharge tube resting on a floating bureau in the entrance room we were standing in and smashing it against the navigator's head. The recharge tube shattered, electrocuting the poor, helpless victim.

" AAAAAAAAAH!" the guy screamed. " AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Visser, have _pity_! I did not mean to -- YAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

And then there was more screaming. And more screaming. And yelling, and howling, and begging for dear life. But, even as he screamed and writhed in agony, the only thing the navigator seemed to care about was getting back on Visser One's good side! May I say "euf…"?

" Visser, I did not mean to – YAAAAAAAAH! … offend!" he pleaded. " Please – AAAAAARRRGGGHHH! – forgive me!"

Visser One gave him her deeply-offended-"yeah-right!" look and walked gracefully back over to where Iniss, Councilor Eight (who was, of course, completely recovered from his short illness now), Councilor Four and I were standing, eyes wide.

She smirked and swept her fingers through the strands of long black hair that stood apart from her perfectly neat ponytail.

( Visser One, come here. ) I said sternly.

She stepped up to face me, her chin held up arrogantly. She looked up questioningly, raising one eyebrow.

" What?" she asked.

( Come here, ) I said again. ( … No, closer… There. )

Ignoring Visser One's curious eyes, I grabbed her shoulders with my weak Andalite arms and held her to eye level.

( YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. ) I then said.

" She does not have problems," I could have bet my monthly payment on this obvious reply from Councilor Eight, Councilor Four AND Iniss.

I let go of my enemy. ( Yes, she does. You people are just too mush-brained to notice. )

I glared self-mockingly at Councilor Four.

( Traitor. )

He blushed.

The four of us walked outside, leaving the pathetically burnt navigator unconscious in the entry room. Visser One shot a last look at him, then we all saw – no, seriously – just the hint of a smile in her face (VISSER ONE almostsmiled, everyone! KODAK MOMENT! … Yeah, I _know _I've been spending way too much time with host-happy Yeerks. Now shut up and leave me alone.).

" Whew!" she said. " That felt good."

I smirked with my eyes. ( Did it, now? )

And… there goes the smile. Visser One glared angrily at me.

" Why is it that you always have to drop a comment like that!" she demanded.

( Because it pisses you off, ) I replied happily.

- SMACK!

( YOW! )

Now, if there are any of you who didn't see that coming… please feel free to join Iniss for his next "Dummies for Dummies" meeting.

" Sooooo…" Councilor Eight said, trying to break the awkward silence which had settled in. " What now?"

He glanced hopefully at Visser One. Visser One simply looked shocked.

" Councilor Eight!" she exclaimed, waving her hand across the scenery, a very large field of green hills, now filled with thousands of crashlanded Yeerks. " We are in the middle of a populated field!"

Councilor Eight looked a little down. He searched his mind for a quick reply.

" … There are trees over there," he said lamely, pointing to the left.

( I think the trees are already taken, ) I said.

" By _who_?" Councilor Eight looked alarmed.

( Oh, no! ) I laughed. ( It's not what you think… It's just some low-ranks eating probably smuggled oatmeal. )

" Oatmeal?" Councilor Eight. " Oh! Now… see Edriss? They'd be too dumb to even notice!"

Visser One seemed appalled.

" DON'T…" she paused to collect herself before finishing, " … call me Edriss in public."

" Sorry, Edriss," our poor next victim apologized.

" Ugh!" Visser One stormed off, fuming.

We all just kind of stood there for a moment.

( Yeeeeeeeeah… ) I finally said. ( I'm getting hungry. When will the ship be repaired? )

" The head technician says we're leaving in two hours, maximum," replied Councilor Four.

( Okay, well… See you all then. )

And with that, I walked off calmly and collectively in the opposite direction of the one in which Visser One had headed.

---

I ate for a while, and tripped a good few times on Alloran's damn left forehoof of DOOM (I _swear _that thing is defective. I mean, GRASS. HOW CAN YOU _TRIP _ON _GRASS_!), but soon got tired of running. I was walking leisurely in a knot of trees, when suddenly I heard it…

Voices.

_Human_ voices.

" Andrew! Watch for the cars, honey!"

" MOM, I'm SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. You'd think I could cross a God damn street by now!"

" Just making sure, dear…"

I stood there, dumbfounded, for a moment.

_Street? Have I really gone that far? _I found myself thinking.

There was a heavy line of trees in front of me, blocking my view. I quickly morphed to human and walked up. And just as I suspected, behind the trees was some guy with what you humans call an 'afro', a busy street, buildings and people frickin' EVERYWHERE, and some lady with a stroller whose back was about two inches from my face. Man, I hate it when I'm right…

" ANDREW!" the lady screamed, practically shooting off my poor ears in the process.

I watched as the guy with the afro leaped clear of a passing car. Teaches him to stand in the middle of a populated street!

I walked away slowly, hearing Andrew's mother's shrill cries as they became less and less audible…

I looked around at the buildings… I know I shouldn't have… but human life was something I hadn't had much time to discover… So, what the hell. A little exploring never hurt anyone!

… Heh. Or so I thought…

I looked around at the people and the things around me and found myself thinking of Visser One. She had had to live here on this planet for two years before getting her promotion. She stole a ship. She terminated contact with the Empire for a year. Though of course, being the annoyingly attractive Yeerk she is, Visser One still managed to be forgiven by the Empire, and, as a PLUS (I had to stop myself from lashing out at the nearest human at this point) she managed to get PROMOTED to frickin' Visser One in the first place! And, of course, _once again_ being the annoyingly attractive Yeerk she is, she managed to get some MALE to "ACCOMPANY" her (oh I'm _so _sure) with stealing the ship, moving to Earth, terminating contact with the Empire for a year, having – OH, I'M JUST GOING TO STOP _RIGHT NOW _BEFORE IT GOES ON FOREVER!

Anyway, I was looking around, when suddenly I saw a line of shops. Overtaken by curiosity, I crossed the street, almost getting hit by about five hundred cars on the way, and got to the other side with nothing but a few minor cuts and bruises! Hee! Obviously, inferior humans must always get seriously injured while crossing such a populated street! Heh… What can I say? I'm good.

And apparently, the humans thought so too, for they immediately began showering me with compliments!

- BEEEEP!

" Watch out, you f'ing retard!"

- BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

" Off the street, what are you, blind?"

- BEEEEEEEP!

" Some people these days just don't have a brain in their head…"

- BEEEEEEEEP!

" Hey genius! It's called a freaking _crosswalk_!"

I bowed to the public, yelled "Thank you!", and stepped onto the sidewalk.

---

You humans have wonderful shops.

I spent an hour and a half checking them out. There was a food shop (of which I was kicked out), a children's toy store (of which I was kicked out), a musical instrument shop (of which I was also kicked out, this time by an angry mob of human employees), and an exclusive boutique (I wasn't even allowed to _enter _that one)! But in any case, THAT was an hour and a half well spent…

I was walking merrily down the street like some oatmealized Andalite bandit when suddenly I realized…

AN HOUR AND A HALF!

That's when I started panicking. I ran and ran and ran like a herd of Andalites from hell was chasing me.

_What am I going to DO? _I thought frantically. _The ship leaves in like fifteen minutes!_

Out of ideas, I stopped at the nearest shop in sight. I couldn't morph. I couldn't just walk back! I couldn't… I couldn't…

And that's when I saw it. It was like a holy thing imported from the heavens! An invisible, angelic spotlight shone on it as I took a step forward. It was my way out. It was unstoppable. It was… it was…

… A pink and purple BARBIE TRICYCLE!

_Oh lords help me! _I squeaked interiorly as I realized it _was_, indeed, my one and only way out.

Taking a quick look around, I mounted the tricycle (with MUCH difficulty) and started pedalling. The frickin' thing was so small I was practically pulling my legs over my head with every pedal!

I turned onto the street. AHH! Rush-hour traffic! I was riding a freaking pink and purple TRICYCLE in rush hour traffic! Help!

People started honking at me. I replied to them by showing them the dapsen sign, which I don't think they understood because they just honked some more.

" Hey you! Get a new bike!" someone yelled from the backseat of a car.

" Get a new faaaaaaaaaace!" I countered as I rolled right into a ditch.

The trike went flying into the air as I flew off from the other side of the ditch. I was back on the grass now. Well, at least I could get back to the ship faster, even if my butt was bruised and would probably inflate to the size of the Blade ship…

This was all Visser One's fault! Yeah! If Visser One hadn't stormed off like that, I wouldn't even have remembered that I was hungry because of the awkward silence, and therefore would have never gotten into this mess. It was SO all her fault, that dapsen…

And I thought to myself… I HATE her!

_And yet she's the first thing that pops into your mind. _Another part of my mind answered.

Only because I know that evil dapsen will be the first one to laugh at me!

_Then why are you _rushing _to get back to the ship?_

Because I don't want it to LEAVE, _duuuuuuh_!

_You're planning on hiding the tricycle, aren't you?_

No.

_Yes._

… From all the OTHER Vissers too!

_You know the other Vissers wouldn't care._

Inner-Conscience! It's a PINK-AND-PURPLE BARBIE TRICYCLE! Of frickin' COURSE they'll care! 

_You don't hate her._

Yes I do! 

_No you don't!_

Yes I DO! 

… _Visser Three?_

Inner-Conscience? 

_You're picturing her in a bikini. _(COUGH!NOT TRUE!COUGH!)

…

_Ha ha, I win! BURN!_

… I shall kill you someday, Inner-Conscience.

_You shall do that, Visser Three._

I shook myself out of my thoughts. Heh. My dumb inner-conscience… Always joking about anything and everything! … Heh heh…

… Put down the pitchfork. I'm warning you!

Anyway, I finally made it back to the ship – which, may I mention, was still there --, leaped off the tricycle, sang "HALLELUJA!" hysterically, stashed the tricycle in a nearby bush, and demorphed (and what a good thing, too, because I could officially _hear _Alloran's intestines crying out for the nearest Porta-John…).

I galloped back to the ship, practically shitting myself with every step, and soon I was within view of the last few Yeerks climbing up into the ship.

( Wait for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ) I shrieked.

I saw Visser One, four of the Councilors, Visser Four and the new-hosted Emperor turn their heads sharply to stare at me. Visser One's eyes were wide. They all started running over to where I was pathetically trying to gallop.

When they arrived, I was so happy to see them I went into a hugging frenzy. I hugged Councilor Four and the Emperor, who politely returned the hug. I hugged Councilor Eight, who shoved me away, disgusted. I hugged Councilor Seven and even Visser Four, who just kind of stood there, embarrassed. And… I kind of _didn't _hug Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. Geez… I wasn't _that _happy.

" Where _were _you, you dapsen!" Visser One exclaimed angrily. " You could have been seen! Even caught! We were just about to --"

What they were just about to do, I never knew. I walked (or rather _ran_) the few steps that separated us and hugged her tightly, practically lifting her up into the air. She blushed, shocked.

" Visser Three!" she exclaimed rather voicelessly.

I let go of her and then grinned at all of them with my eyes. But before they could even ask questions, I ran like the chickens… or snickens… or dickens or whatever it is you humans say… out of there and into the ship's open doorway.

Where was I going in such a rush, you ask?

Why, the bathroom of course!

---

It wasn't long before I was able to find an Andalite Porta-John in the newly-repaired Empire ship. Finally, Alloran's damn intestine problems died down and I was able to shut the whimpering dapsen up for a while.

I had made it back to the ship. I had managed to do that _without _anyone realizing I'd had to use a pink and purple tricycle to do so… Or so I thought.

… Don't you just HATE it when you're so happy, and then your entire freaking plan BACKFIRES on you?

I do.

And then, it happened to me yet again. It never fails.

" Visser!" Iniss called out from outside the bathroom door. " … Visser? Was that really you I saw riding some little human girl's Barbie tricycle outside? … Hello? Visser Three? Why aren't you answering me? HELLOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Aaaaaannnnd… There you go! There's chapter eight of V3D for ya! Yeah, yeah, I know… It wasn't as good… I hope you enjoyed it anyway. In any case, please review! May I now direct you to the review button. For newbies, the review button is right there on the left corner… (grins) Now all you have to do is PRESS IT! Yay! Thanks!**


	9. Too Sexy For This Host

**A/N:** Hey everyone! As I promised, here is the latest chapter of **Visser Three's Diary**. You had to wait all summer, but here it is at last! Yay! So I won't keep you waiting for any longer, read on!

**Visser Three's Diary**

**14+**

**Chapter 9 - Too Sexy for This Host**

Date?

Entry nine.

Dear Diary,

When I woke up this morning, waaaay before dawn, I was in a radiant mood. HEY! I drew back the sheets of my bed, which I had slept in the previous night, and, of course, got Alloran's left forehoof tangled up in the comforter. But SO WHAT! Alloran's well-being is SO not important. The only thing that counts is ME, ME, ME! _Especially _today!

I ran over to the wall and practically knocked it down with a blow from my two forehooves.

( Hell-OOOOO, Visser One! ) I yelled in extra-loud thought-speech. ( Yay! Wake up and SMELL THE OATMEAL! )

" Frig OFF, you frickin' DAPSEN!" Visser One screamed at me in a sleepy voice, angry that I woke her up. " Cornflake sniffer..."

( HEE HAH! ) I yelled.

... Yeah. You guessed it. Last night, I was kind of down, so I took an extra dose of oatmeal... Heh. Sorry innocent bystanders!

NOTHING could stop me now! I ran to Iniss's room as quickly as I could, my hooves making an infernal racket, and rammed open the door. Once inside, I practically jumped on my P.A., still curled up in his bed.

( IIIIIIIIIIII-niss! ) I yelled. ( Wake up! )

Suddenly, Iniss grabbed my arm in a kind of disturbingly tender way.

" Oh Visser One, I thought you'd _never _ask..." he mumbled, with an idiot smile plastered on his face.

( YEEEEEEW! ) I jerked back and leaped off Iniss's bed, practically knocking him over in the process.

But then, as I caught my traumatized breath, Iniss started snoring... And then, I realized he'd been talking in his sleep, and that he didn't ACTUALLY THINK I was Visser One and that I wanted to do something with him. Eeewie! Not imagining that! But seriously, makes you wonder what kind of dreams Iniss has at night...

( INIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS! ) I shrieked like a little girl. And in extra-loud, PUBLIC thought speak, too! Gee, how the HELL does Alloran manage to do that! It sure is entertaining to behold, that's for sure! Especially on an oatmealistic day such as today!

" Raaaaaaaaa... What the hell?" I heard a sleepy male voice from next door.

" YAAH! Help!" yelled a certain very nasal voice from across the hall.

" YEEEEEEEEKK!" screamed Iniss, shooting up like a board in his bed. " The Andalites have arrived! Raise the WEAPONS DECK!"

( YEEE-HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE! ) I squeaked uncontrollably, laughing the most frickin' pathetic evil laugh this side of Gonzoll (Gonzoll is a planet somewhere between where we were now and the Andalite homeworld. Implying the Andalite homeworld is on the OTHER side of Gonzoll). Once again in the booming public thought speak.

" SHUT UP!" yelled the male voice.

" SHUUUT UUUP!" yelled Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

" SHUT _UP_!" yelled a whole _new _voice, coming from very close by...

" Oh. My. God." Iniss whispered as if he'd just discovered the eighth world wonder.

I spun around as quickly as I could, and in a split second I found myself face to face with... Visser One!

Yeah! Visser One! Except this was a whole new look for her, and I believe most guys would definitely approve. I don't know if it was the wet hair, the water pearling on her skin, or the fact that she was wearing absolutely nothing but a gold bath towel that gave it away... I mean, it's anybody's guess!

( Visser One! WHAT a surprise! ) my freaking oatmeal made me yell. ( Nice towel! )

" ... Towel?" the male voice from next door.

" TOWEL!" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

" Toweeeeeeeel..." bawled Iniss.

Visser One rolled her eyes, then gave me a look that clearly meant I was the biggest dapsen she'd ever seen.

" What the F was that!" she exclaimed. " You must have waken up every single living and dying creature this side of frickin' Gonzoll!"

... And... _here _we go again with Gonzoll. I mean, what is UP with that, anyway? I thought Visser One and I didn't agree on ANYTHING, for the Emperor's sake!

" ... Let _alone _making ME jump straight out of the shower, that I JUST GOT IN, wondering if someone was seriously ill!"

" You're pretty..." Iniss said _completely _irrelevantly. " I mean _reaaaaaaally pretty_..."

( Iniss, what the H-- )

" Don't you think I _know _that by now, you big doaf?" Visser One exclaimed, still raging at me of course. " All I have to do is walk around in the hallway with my training shorts on and instantly everyone in a one-mile radius will start trailing me. Frickin' ANNOYING!"

( Ah, YOU'RE annoying, Visser One. ) I said. ) Seriously. Although I like the towel... And yeah, I do like the shorts. I mean... who DOESN'T like the frickin' shorts! )

" I do, that's for sure..." Iniss.

... What? ... WHAT! Stop... Stop looking at me like that! I mean it!

For God's sake, people! I KNOW I hate Visser One... But Alloran didn't manage to turn me into a complete girly girl. I still have male hormones... And those shorts are like the TARGET! You know, the target your eyes are just like programmed to keep following...

... Hum. Okay. That's enough hidden sentiments for today, people. Stay tuned next week, for Episode III: Iniss is a Moron.

" I mean... those shorts just --" Iniss started.

" ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Visser One yelled. " Enough about my shorts and back to the matter at hand!"

( Which is...? )

" YOU screaming like an intoxicated Andalite he/she!"

( Oh... Well, I'm sure YOU scream like an intoxicated Andalite he/she sometimes too! Wink wink! )

" YOU DAPSEN! Oh my GOD!"

- SLAP!

" You ate more oatmeal than me anyway! And I sound like a female. You actually DO sound like a he/she!"

( Not when I'm in human morph! YEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE! )

" Yeah, well you're intoxicated right NOW!"

( You ALWAYS look intoxicated! )

" Dapsen!"

( Idiot! )

" Ugly!"

( Stupid! )

" Andalite-lover!"

( Mental retard! )

" Alloran's boyfriend!"

( Engineer-lover! )

" AAAGH!"

- THWACK!

( YOW! )

" Frig you!"

" STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPP!"

The whole room suddenly silenced. Visser One and I slowly trailed our eyes on Iniss, the frickin' weirdo who had yelled, of course. I, for one, could simply _not believe _that INISS would ever yell an objection at Visser One as well as at me! Maybe he got kidnapped and replaced while I was sleeping...

We looked at Iniss, our eyes portraying a deep confusion. Well... _my _eyes were confused... Visser One's just looked murderous. She glared at me, then at Iniss. Then back at me.

( Hum. ) I said, slightly embarrassed. A.k.a. angry as hell at Iniss. ( Yes, Iniss, what do you want? )

" Yeah! You just disrupted our argument, and you _know _how much I want to strangle him! Or her! Or both! Whatever!"

( You actually _want _something? Amazing. Hint. )

" Ohhhh, you're in for --"

" What the hell are you people _talking _about!" exclaimed Iniss.

Visser One and I glared at each other.

" The HCF!" we yelled in unison.

Iniss just kind of stared for a moment.

" … _What_?" he then exclaimed. " The HCF? Visser… What the hell?"

My cheeks went completely and absolutely dark blue. Which is the natural Andalite blushing color.

… Oh. Right.

See… I never actually "found" the time to tell Iniss the _entire _story of what had happened at the HCF…

( Eum. ) I choked.

" Hum…" Visser One blushed.

( Never mind. )

" Oooooookaaaay…" Iniss muttered. " Not gonna ask."

( You better not, ) I snapped.

" Visser One?" Iniss asked hesitantly.

" What?"

I then witnessed Iniss's face morphing into a big, fat tomato. " Can I…"

" No." Visser One replied instantly.

" Okay."

Visser One walked away, glaring daggers at me of course.

" I swear, one day I am going to go NUTS!" she muttered.

( Well at least you won't have to wait very long for that, ) I mumbled to myself.

" What was that?"

( Nothing important. )

She sort of gave me the fish-eye and I shrugged in my I'm-just-a-big-dumbass manner. She eventually got the message and walked away, shaking her head and muttering about how big of a dumbass I am.

Hey, it works.

( Well Iniss! ) I said jovially, just RADIATING happy vibes! ( Why don't you (Iniss grunted as I stepped up to his bed and started pulling him to his feet) get up and make GRASS COOKIES, and I'll get on over to my room and get ready for yet another fantabulistic day! )

" Oh God Visser, 'fantabulistic'!" Iniss squeaked as I sat him down on his bed and started throwing him a random bunch of clothes from his one-drawer-dresser-slash-closet. " Just how much oatmeal did you _have_!"

( Iniss, ) I said in the happiest tone, ( why don't you just shut your Yeerky mouth and get started on those grass cookies! )

And then I swear I giggled. Ugh! … Shudder.

I turned to the door, leaving Iniss to his "large" amount of cooking. Well, he should be happy! I was only asking for twelve batches! I mean, lords, some people are just so HUGELY ungrateful!

Anyways, I turned to the door and left the room, galloping like an escapee from a universal mental health facility. As soon as I reentered my room I closed the door behind me, which of course made the most horrible noise this side of… well, Gonzoll.

" Would you SHUUUUT UUUP! Some of us are tryyyyying to sleeeeep!" yelled Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, in what seemed like an incredibly long drawl of nasal whining.

( Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwhhh, ) I replied, trying to copy his incredible nasalness.

Then I shut the frigging geek out of my mind completely as I slowly made my way to the bathroom. Yes, ladies and slugs, it was time for my early-morning mirror-viewing session! I ran merrily to the huge disk tower where Iniss keeps all of his strange music (there wasn't enough room for it in his room, so I gracefully offered to keep it here) and started flipping through the racks for something light and hyper.

( Let's see… _Jika Nojiro_. Nah. The Osbournes Season One Soundtrack? … Nope. Evane Seven-Four-Three: _Kaiid Jell Makira_? … Visser One's favorite CD! WHAT THE HELL INISS! No way am I using this! Weird Al Yankovic? Help! … Um… What else do we have here… Wait… what the hell is this? )

Confused, I pulled out what seemed to be a blank disc case. And it turned out… I was right! There was absolutely nothing written on it. It was just… you know… white!

( Could Iniss _get _any weirder? ) I wondered aloud, inspecting the disc case.

I opened it, and to tell you the truth I was half-surprised to find a disc in it. I stood up straight and walked over the the bathroom, disc in hand, and when I got there I quickly popped it into my primitive-yet-useful built-in disc reader!

( Okay… now play! ) I grinned with my Andalite eyes as the disc spun and set to track one.

Suddenly, a striking beat arose. I just stood there for a moment in front of the mirror before stupid shouting:

( IT LIVES! )

" Oh no!" exclaimed Visser One sarcastically through the paper-thin wall that separated us. " Don't tell me they finally found his brain!"

( Shut up, you freaking moron! ) I yelled back.

And then I listened to my still-spinning disc as the words began to flow…

I'm too sexy for my shirt 

_Too sexy for my shirt_

_Too sexy… it hurts_

( Aw… What the hell! ) I grinned maniacally.

The bizarre human song continued as I looked at myself in the mirror and posed, flexing my _extremely_ good-looking muscles.

( Whoa. ) I smirked. ( That's real nice. I'm good. )

I swung my tail proudly, practically taking down the artificial lights and the whole sink down with it.

( Such power, such grace! ) I flattered myself.

I smiled for the mirror.

( … Such a beautiful face! )

I swung my tail again, completely ignoring the shattering of a vase on a side-table.

And then I started singing.

( … I'm too sexy for my tail. Too sexy for my tail. _Too sexy_… )

I then proceeding with doing a very scary little dance, which holy shit am I glad Visser One wasn't there to tape…

( I'M… TOO SEXY FOR MY HOOVES. TOO SEXY FOR MY HOOVES. TOO SEXY FOR MY FUR! )

I danced over to the sound system and blared the song as loud as it could possibly go. And considering Yeerk technology… heh… well so what if I turned the entire Empire ship into one huge boom box? As long as _I _was having FUN!

( I'm too SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! )

" Oh God, no..." Visser One, of course, typically butting in to eeeeevery _single _little unimportant thing… " LISTEN, YOU CREEPY DAPSEN, I DON'T KNOW _WHERE _YOU GOT THE LYRICS TO THAT SONG, BUT -- "

( I'M… too SEXY for my STALK EYES. Too SEXY for my STALK EYES! TOO SEXY… )

" Ahem." Visser One cut in once again. " Seems your stalk eyes have an _awfully _poor taste in males."

( Shut UP! ) I shrieked, still oatmealized and acting like an intoxicated dapsen of course. ( I'm sexy and YOU KNOW IT! )

" Oh you freaking wish."

( Do I now. )

" No duh. Everyone knows that."

( Everyone knows what? )

" You're pathetic." Visser One said simply, unimpressed.

( And so are you! But at least I'M SEXY!)

" What the hell did you TAKE this morning!" then she added warningly: " You didn't go into the human pills section, did you!"

( I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY LEGS! TOO SEXY FOR MY ARMS! TOO SEXY FOR MY -- )

" Visser!"

- Ziiip!

The music stopped abruptly. I spun around and found myself face-to-face with a sweaty-faced Iniss, green cookie dough smudged all over his face and a spatula in his left hand.

( What is it! ) I snapped. ( Can't you see I'm in the middle of -- )

" Visser, you have to help!" Iniss interrupted, which of course made me ANGRY.

So I ignored him.

Instead I grinned and made a small circle around him so he could observe me in further detail.

( Iniss, who's the sexiest male Yeerk around! ) I exclaimed, then proceeded to humming that ever-so-annoying song. ( Da. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da. Da da da… daaaaa. )

" Not you, for starters." Visser One, if that wasn't just completely obvious.

" Well..." Iniss started a little nervously, " I don't know about that, Visser, but there's some _really_ _tiny_ human here looking for her trike..."

He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the main entrance. The door was only half opened, but it was still enough for me to see… a very small human female with long blond hair and a huge colorful lollipop, wailing and screaming. I made a terrified face and urgently looked at Iniss for explanations.

Iniss looked back nervously, and immediately adopted a very apologetic look.

" Well… you see," he started.

But before he could proceed any further, the incredibly creepy creature before us caught sight of me and almost immediately started shouting at the top of her lungs…

" I WANT MY TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

I looked panickingly at my still-blabbering personal assistant.

( Oh, LORD, INFEST her! ) I exclaimed, practically strangling Iniss in the process.

" Yes Visser!" Iniss squeaked.

And as soon as I let him go he seemed to completely forget about the spatula and the cookie dough and ran to the security station as if his life depended on it. Which it _pretty much did_.

As for me, well I must be off. The Emperor will be coming to see me soon about this morning's… ahem… "disturbance". And we seriously wouldn't want him finding you, huh Diary? Then you'll have absolutely nothing else to keep you entertained! You poor Diary…

Ah well. Life is misery, even for diaries. You get used to it.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**Okay, I know it was a bit shorter than usual… Still like it though? Please tell me what you think and REVIEW:D Till next time!**


	10. So You Want to be a Visser

**A/N:** Hey guys! Here's the new chapter of Visser Three's Diary. I know it's early, but I had some extra inspiration and decided to get it done. **Thanks to the guys at the Lounge for helping me out! You rock! **Also, don't mind if the ending of this chapter isn't that funny. I was aiming for a more dramatic ending to this one so I guess it isn't supposed to be.

This chapter is dedicated to **TobiasHawk13. **Thanks so much for the idea!

For an extra laugh you're almost sure to miss otherwise, go **reread **the first **14 lines **of **chapter 8**, then come back and read this. If you still don't get it, don't hesitate to e-mail me or ask in a review what it meant. Enjoy the chapter!

**Visser Three's Diary**

_by Sinister Shadow_

**(I don't own Animorphs, BTW)**

**Chapter 10: So You Want to Be a Visser...**

July Sixteenth

Entry ten. I... think...

Dear Diary,

Alright, today was such the weirdest day ever, okay? THE WORST DAY EVER. Don't even get me STARTED.

... Yes, yes, I KNOW it's my own fault for bringing it up. I'm not an evilly retarded creep, contrary to popular belief (coughVisserOnethatevilbrainwashercough)!

Anyway, I suppose that NOW you want to know why today was such an evil, EVIL day! Alright, fine, then! Have it your way!

But just remember this: … It was NOT my fault okay? Iniss was _supposed _to come do the dishes!

It all started (yeah Diary, I know I use that phrase too often… but I can't THINK of anything _else_ okay!) at eight thirty in the morning. Strangely enough (not) I was still in bed, and therefore became understandably extremely PISSED when _someone _had the nerve to ring the doorbell!

- DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG…

It was like the dreadful bells of HELL! Or at _least _the Andalite home world. I pressed my pillow against my ears and rolled around in every single position, but to no avail: Nothing, simply _nothing_, could block that HORRID sound.

At last I got up from the bed, exhausted and angry, raging interiorly at the maddeningly persistant doorbell.

- DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG…

( I'M COMING ALREADY! ) I shrieked.

And then, as it never fails, I tangled Alloran's left forehoof in the bedsheets and almost fell face-down on the ground.

( Rrrgh… Stupid hoof, ) I muttered angrily to myself as I untangled the cursed hoof and kept walking.

- DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG –

( WILL you SHUT UP! ) I yelled again.

I ran to the front door of my room as fast as I could, a feeble attempt to stop the droning infernal sound before it drove me MAD!

Then, at last, I was there. Angrily, I slammed my weak right hand on the "open" pad.

The door slid open, and suddenly I was standing face to face with a short-red-haired, green-eyed human female, probably around the age of twenty. She was attractive enough, I guess. Of course, I had a bit of knowledge about what human males think of as attractive, having been in human morph. She was no Visser One, but she was okay.

Of course, I didn't yet know if she was an attractive Yeerk (I have even more knowledge about that, obviously!). She was probably no Visser One in that area, either...

Trust me, I know Visser One. And even though she is to this day my worst enemy, she's just about as attractive as a female Yeerk can get.

... I mean, just ask the thousands of male Yeerks who have posters and signed pictures of her on their ceiling or under their pillow (COUGHINISS!COUGH)...

And plus, little miss I'm-So-Hot-And-Perfect-From-Snobby-Old-Sulp-Niar just _had _to go become the first female Visser ever. I mean, how frickin' flawless can you get!

... Is she even a living being? ... Grr... I hate her.

Anyway, enough about Visser One and back to the matter at hand. This Yeerk girl standing at my doorstep...

At least I... _hope _it was a Yeerk girl.

... Hopefully it wasn't one of those freakishly gay Yeerk males taking on a female host body. God they creep me out.

" Hello?" said the girl a bit shyly.

( Hello. ) I replied, slightly annoyed. ( Who are you and what are you doing here? )

To my huge surprise, the girl's face immediately lit up.

" Hi!" she exclaimed joyfully. " You're like, Visser Three right?"

( Um… _ye_ -- )

" Great!" she smiled, grabbing my hand and shaking it vividly. " I'm Elliss Three-Four-Two of the like, Het Simplat pool? But you can call me ELLIE! That's what like, all my friends call me, so yeah."

Now, if you may have been wondering about ME this whole time, the entire time "Ellie" here was talking, I was just kind of standing there, eyes wide, wondering what the hell was going on. You know, like I usually do.

( Soooo… ) I said, just completely dumbfounded. ( Why is it that you're here? )

" I came to see you, silly!" Ellie giggled.

( Yeah okay but… why? )

" Oh! Silly me!" she slapped herself jovially on the forehead before giggling again (which, may I mention, was starting to DRIVE ME UP THE WALL). " I've been assigned to become your INTERN!"

I don't know how long I stayed standing there. Horror started to infiltrate every part of my body as Ellie's words sunk in…

My INTERN? … HER?

Not only did she giggle twenty-four/seven, she was GIRLY! GIRLY AS HELL!

… Face it Visser Three… The Empire Ship as we know it… is over.

Over.

OVER!

" Hi Visser Three."

( YAAAAAAAH! )

I spun around as quickly as I could and found myself face to face with… Visser One.

( Don't SCARE me like that! ) I yelled, outraged. ( Can't you see I am having a BAD DAY! )

" Um… There's really no difference?" she suggested.

( You… ) I said privately, ( _You_ just be thankful you're not stuck in the horrible mess I am. )

" Ha ha," she said neutrally.

She looked over at Ellie, who smiled ever-so-girlily (and if I had been human, I'd have practically chewed my fricking tongue off trying to pronounce that word). Then she turned back toward me, raising an eyebrow.

" Who's this now?" she asked increduously.

( The horrible mess, ) I said privately to Visser One. Then, I added, so Ellie could hear as well, ( This is Ellie, my new intern. She just got assigned here. )

" Oh," Visser One smiled at Ellie before turning to me, raising her eyebrows and mouthing 'intern' smugly, smirking.

She turned back to Ellie and held out a hand. Ellie shook it.

" Hi Ellie," Visser One said. " I'm Visser One. Welcome to the Empire ship."

" _You're _Visser One?" Ellie exclaimed, looking dumbfounded.

" Of course I am, who did you think I was?" Visser One asked indifferently, fixing her hair.

" I thought you were _his _personal assistant!" she pointed at me.

" WHAT?" Visser One and I both exclaimed.

( She's my worst enemy! ) I cried.

" That's right, and don't you forget it!"

Ellie looked at us, eyes wide, blinking twice.

" Now look what you did, you scared the intern!" Visser One exclaimed, slapping me on the lower back. " Good job!"

( ME! ) I yelled, spreading out my arms in exasperation.

" Yes you," Visser One replied. " Anyway I shall be going, I have plenty of droning forms to fill out before tomorrow night. See you later."

" Visser One?" Ellie asked calmly.

Visser One stopped walking and turned back around. " What?"

" Before I like, forget… my brother has like dozens of posters of you in his room."

Visser One smiled.

" Nice." she said simply, before walking into her room and closing the door behind her.

I stayed silent for a moment, looking at the spot where Visser One was just a second ago, before turning back to the girly monster before me.

( Is your brother's name Iniss Two-Two-Six? ) I asked her, trying to cut the awkward silence which was certain to settle in.

" No," Ellie replied. " Who's Iniss Two-Two-Six?"

( You _don't _want to know. ) I raised my Andalite eyes to the sky, pointing to my room. ( Now come on, let's go inside before you have the enormous misfortune of finding out. )

Ellie looked at me questioningly, but finally just shrugged and stepped slowly toward the door.

" VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSER!" I heard a shriek from somewhere not too far away.

Annnnnd... Spoke too soon.

Yeah.

Here came _Iniss_, bawling his eyes out like some bizarre Andalite.

" Visser! VIIIIIISSER!" he shrieked, coming to a halt in front of me.

He seemed to be limping. And, as I looked closer, I noticed a huge, scraped, bloody gash on his left knee. It almost looked like I'd tried to impale his leg! Which I did... many times... but not lately!

Obviously that's why Iniss was sobbing like a grub.

" Oh, Visser! You have to help me!" Iniss cried.

What happened to you now, Iniss...? I asked, looking down at the gory mess which was his knee.

To my great surprise, Iniss immediately stopped crying and looked down.

" Oh, that!" he smiled. " I was running and I tripped over a _Do Not Run _sign. But that doesn't matter!" he started bawling again. " Visser you really _have _to help me!"

I almost laughed. ALMOST. But then Iniss held out his hands and made some sort of contorted face, which just, you know, absolutely ruined the moment.

" Visser One said I was a dweeb!" Iniss cried harder. " What should I _do_! Change my hairstyle? Or my clothes? Or my _eyes_? ... Do I really look like a DWEEB, Visser!"

( Well… ) I looked away self-mockingly. ( I didn't want to say anything… )

I walked calmly over to Iniss, then grabbed his shoulders and shook him as roughly as you possibly can with freaking Andalite arms.

He moved about an inch, but you know.

( Of COURSE you're a dweeb Iniss! ) I exclaimed. ( You've ALWAYS been a dweeb. … Stop looking at me like that, you won't get ANYWHERE with these faces! … What? Of course Visser One hates you! She hates everyone except (insert sneer) _Councilor Eight_. )

" Did you just sneer?"

( Well it doesn't matter does it! ) I took Iniss's arm and started pulling him toward his room. ( … Now, YOU just be thankful Visser One is _nice _to you. )

" NICE? What sort of cornflakes – _I mean_… She's not NICE to me at all! She's mean! Cruel! Do you _know_ how I feel every time I see her with (insert sneer) _Councilor Eight_?"

I snorted.

( Mean? Cruel? HAH! Iniss, until you _magically _transform into me, you'll most probably never see Visser One "mean". )

" Um… excuse me!" Ellie cut in, stepping up from behind me. " But like, what the hell is going on here? And who's that?"

( _That_… ) I said disgustedly, jerking my thumb at my personal assistant, ( is Iniss. )

" Iniss Two-Two-Six?" Ellie asked increduously.

" That's right," said Iniss, entering his incredibly wimpy "tough guy" mode. " And who are you?"

" Oh, I'm Ellie." said Ellie dismissively. " Visser Three's new like, intern."

She giggled. It was a jaw-grinding, window-breaking sound.

And trust me, if Ellie broke a window in this ship, we could all die.

( MUST you freaking GIGGLE after every sentence? ) I exclaimed, exasperated.

" Like, yeah!" she giggled AGAIN. " I always giggle. It's like an instinct!"

I just glared at her.

( Okay, people, if you'll _excuse _me, I think I'll be heading back to my _room_ now. ) I gave Iniss a meaningful look, hoping, PRAYING that he would get a clue.

Of course, as you may have guessed, he didn't. Why do I even try?

( Ellie, ) I forced a smile. ( You'll be sharing Iniss's room tonight. )

" But… but Visser, don't you find my room is kind of cramp -- " Iniss started.

( Nonsense Iniss! ) I exclaimed, just _oozing_ fake joy. ( You two will be just _fine_. Now, I'll be seeing you later. )

I opened my door and stepped into my room.

" But Visser -- " Iniss started again.

( LEAVE! ) I snapped.

Iniss, of course, didn't have to be told twice. He and Ellie sped off to his room without another word.

I looked around the corner to make sure they were gone, and when I heard the far-away sound of a door sliding closed, I knew they had arrived at destination.

I exhaustedly let my own door close and walked over to the nearest wall only to find myself banging my head repeatedly on the smooth metal.

( Why me! ) I screamed. ( WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME! )

I stopped banging my head and rubbed my fingers against my sore temples. I was stressed to begin with, and I didn't exactly feel the need for a _girly, giggling intern _to come into my life right now!

( My life is a disaster, ) I moaned, stroking my now-bulging forehead.

I decided I couldn't stay in my room alone with my thoughts. I needed to go for a long walk, get some fresh air, go to the bathroom (well, maybe not right now, but you know)…

I left my room again and soon decided to stop by and visit Visser One. Strangely enough, right now a nice argument was the only way I could think of to relieve all that stress.

Okay, so it _wasn't _a long walk. It was actually about three steps. What gives? I had to do SOMETHING okay! The voices were starting to ring in my head…

Stress.

Ellie.

_Like, Visser Three!_

_VIIIIIIISSER!_

_You're a creepy dapsen, you know that?_

_I'm like an intern!_

_Am I a DWEEB, Visser!_

_Hihihihihihihihi! It's like an instinct!_

ARGH! You stupid voices! Leave me alone!

And what was funny was that through all this, the only thing I knew for sure at that moment was that if I didn't get all these voices out of my head by tonight, they were going to form the most retarded dream that ever existed.

- DRRRRR.

- Knock knock!

( Visser One, are you there? ) I called.

No answer. I pressed my ear against the door… Voices… I heard voices. Or was it just my imagination? No matter. I knew Visser One was there. Though why she wasn't answering was beyond me.

I rang the doorbell again. When there was still no answer, I decided to go in the hard way: I morphed a tiny insect from planet who-knows-where and crawled under the door. Which wasn't very hard considering a was a twentieth-of-an-inch-long spec with blue and purple wings.

Once I crawled under, I demorphed, resuming my Andalite shape whose forehead was now no longer bruised and bloody.

I could hear laughing in the next room. Visser One's bedroom. Intrigued, and wondering if perhaps Visser One had gone even madder than she already was and was now reduced to laughing her fricking head off at every random thing that happened.

Well, as you may have guessed, I was too damn curious for my own good. I edged myself quietly toward the room, so that Visser One wouldn't suspect a thing. I thought of many possibilities of what I was about to see.

But none of them came even remotely close to reality.

Lucky for me, Visser One's door was slid halfway open. And as I approached the voices got louder and louder.

Smirking interiorly at the fact that I was completely violating Visser One's privacy, I looked into the room…

Okay.

No.

What the hell!

The smirk was wiped off my face instantly, replaced by extremely wide eyes. I couldn't help but let out a little thought-spoken sound as I gazed on at… at them.

Yes, that's right, _them_. Visser One and Councilor Eight. They were sitting on her bed with Councilor Eight's back to me, and Visser One was sitting on his lap, facing, with one leg on each side of him. Her legs were left hanging down the side of the bed as she smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

They kissed for a good two minutes as I looked on, unnoticed, in… in what? Horror? Disgust? Repulsiveness? Stupefaction?

I don't know. But the really strange thing about it all was that right at that moment the only feeling I knew for sure I had was just some random thing that didn't make any sense. I mean, I felt like _killing _Councilor Eight. … Does that make any sense to you?

… What_ever_! You know, sometimes my mind is just so screwed up I can't even think straight! I mean, kill Councilor Eight? What the hell! Sometimes I get the feeling I just _may_ need some sort of stress medication.

Suddenly, the kiss broke and Visser One's eyes opened slowly… Almost immediately she noticed me and in a split-second her expression changed from lust to alarm. She opened her mouth to speak.

" What the hell!" she exclaimed loudly. The sudden exclamation alarmed me.

Not wanting to know what would happen if Councilor Eight turned around and saw me, I turned around as fast as I could and bolted out of the room. But still, as I ran, I heard their voices behind me, growing fainter and fainter with every step I took.

" What is it?" Councilor Eight asked gently.

I heard a long, distressed pause before Visser One replied.

" … Nothing." she finally said in a tone that surprised me. " It's nothing."

And with that, I pressed the open pad and the door slid open, letting me out into the hallway.

---

That evening, much, much later, I heard a knock on the door. When I got up to open I was actually quite surprised to find Visser One standing there.

( Visser One. ) I said in a tone even I didn't recognize.

" What the hell were you doing in my room today?" she exclaimed. " When I didn't answer the door I thought for _sure _you would figure out that I was freaking BUSY!"

( I wanted someone to yell at, ) I admitted. ( I was having a bad day. )

" So you _walk in_ on Councilor Eight and I?" she threw out her hands, exasperated.

( Look, when I went in there I didn't _expect _to find you in under garments sitting on Councilor Eight's lap! It just happened! )

Visser One paused and looked at me sternly.

" It bothers you, doesn't it?" she asked.

( What bothers me? )

" That I have other things to do besides fighting with you all day!"

( It doesn't bother me! Do what you want! See if I care! )

" Well here's the thing, Visser Three. I'm not all yours."

And with that she walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

That night I didn't get to sleep until really late. And it turns out I _did _have a really retarded dream. Only _this _dream involved chasing down Councilor Eight with an axe.

It was about two a.m. when I finally fell asleep. That one question just kept popping up into my mind, burning my insides, churning my stomach.

_It bothers you, doesn't it?_

And the sad thing was, I wasn't all that sure I knew the answer.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**Oh my god! Can it be? A SAD ending! Okay, I know the ending wasn't funny, but I hope you guys liked that little temporary change from humor to drama! Please review and tell me what you think!**

**Now, ON to my favorite chapter! Chapter 11… haha! Now THAT one's gonna be funny. Stay tuned:D**


	11. CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

**A/N:** Hey guys, I'm almost done **Chapter 11**, don't worry! In the meantime, I thought I'd give you guys a little treat. This is just a short, really sweet little six-page chapter that I wrote today. It's the V3D Christmas Special, and it's my Christmas present to all of you guys! Hope you enjoy and think it's so SWEET like I did!

Dedicated to **Concrete Angel **for reminding me that I had to write this. Without her this chapter probably wouldn't be here!

**Visser Three's Diary**

**Christmas Special**

Dear Diary,

This morning, I found a disgusting piece of white conserve paper rotting on the floor of the storage room in the middle of the Empire ship, on the corner of Anger Management, and three doors down from Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's science lab… You know the place.

And as soon as I lay eyes on the rotting piece of paper, a thought came to mind… I smiled.For some reason, I remembered a time like no other time… an experience I'd never forget.

It happened a long, long time ago (last year), in what you humans call "the month of December". Here, we call it "late Bonifide". Plain and simple.

It was, in your months, December 24th. Iniss had been jumping up and down the entire day, and I simply could NOT figure out why! I thought I had carefully hidden that stupid oatmeal from the dapsen. In any case, I decided to put up with it since I had loads of paperwork to fill out and I simply could not afford to argue with such a brainless creep today.

… But when he leaped up and clasped my shoulders from behind, sending me running into the bathroom in fright, I found I simply could not take it anymore.

( Iniss, ) I said as calmly as possible. ( WHAT is wrong with you? )

Immediately, Iniss had a radiant smile plastered all over his face.

( Oh no… ) I backed away slowly. ( Okay, I'm sorry I asked! I don't want to know, really! )

But Iniss wasn't hearing any of it. " It's CHRISTMAS, Visser!" he practically shrieked. " Tomorrow! It's Christmas tomorrow!"

I just looked at him stupidly. ( It's _wha _-- )

Before I could even finish my sentence, the doorbell rang.

- Ding dong! … Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding –

My eye twitched at the incredible annoyance I was experiencing. Why was it always me? I just needed a new life. Really, I did.

I pointed an accusing finger at Iniss. ( You and your Crisped Mist better stay put until I get back! )

Iniss looked questioningly at me as I walked away toward the irritating door. Once I arrived, I yanked it open and found myself standing in front of a bunch of low-ranks in red robes holding green booklets.

( _WHAT _in the _UNIVERSE_ do you -- ) I started angrily.

" _We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new _--"

( YAAAAAAH! ) I slammed the door and ran away like the Chickens from the infernal SINGING.

Iniss ran up to me in a retarded manner. So much for him staying put.

" Viisser!" he said joyfully. " Are you okaay?"

( Yes. ) I rolled my eyes. ( Are you? )

Well, Iniss had basically no answer to that. I owe myself twenty Yeerk coins.

( I'm going to bed. ) I said glumly.

Iniss's smile disappeared and was replaced by intense despair. He followed me as I dragged my depressed self toward my room. And my paperwork wasn't even done! How horrible could this day get?

" No! Visser come back! It's Christmas Visser! You can't leave Visser it's Christmas Eve! Visser!" he started bawling. " VIHIHIHISSER!"

I spun around and smacked Iniss dryly in the face.

( Get a hold of yourself Yeerk! ) I yelled.

Then, I turned around and started off again toward my room, leaving Iniss to cry his eyes out behind me.

When I got to my room, I shut the door behind me and twirled as well as an Andalite could before falling onto my bed.

( Ahh… finally. I'm _rid _of all those annoying people… )

I smiled, though somehow I didn't feel any better. And unfortunately for me, I wasn't there two minutes before I heard that dreaded sound again…

- Ding dong! Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding –

I frowned.

( You have GOT to be kidding me, ) I groaned.

Feeling like the most disgusting piece of green Hork-Bajir shit there ever was, I reluctantly got up from my beautiful BED and dragged myself along the way to open the door.

- Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong…

( I'm COMING! ) I shrieked.

I finally got to the source of the droning infernal sound and opened the god damn door. There were that CURSED bunch of LOW-RANKS again!

" _I'm wishing for a white… CHRISTMAS! Like all the ones I used to know! There were _--"

( GO AWAY! ) I shrieked.

And then, feeling like my head just may explode any second, I pushed past all the fricking low-ranks and walked the extra two steps to the next room. I pressed the doorbell and banged on the door until finally, someone answered.

" WHAT. DO. YOU…" she yelled angrily. Then, she seemed to notice me for the very first time and calmed down. " Oh, Visser Three, it's only you. I thought it was those damned carolers again. … What do YOU want?"

I sighed. Typical Visser One.

( I want to know WHAT THE HELL is UP with this whole CHRISTMAS thing! ) I yelled. ( It's driving me insane! )

" … As if you weren't _already _insane," Visser One clarified.

( Right. Whatever. ) I allowed, slightly offended. ( I'm having ENOUGH of a bad day without '_ding dong ding dong ding dong' _'What!' '_I'm wishing for a white… CHRISTMAS!_' )

" You don't know what Christmas is, Visser Three?" asked Visser One, raising an eyebrow.

( No. )

" Oh yeah!" she laughed. " I forgot you were stupid when it came to humans!"

She looked at me, and I guess that when she saw the expression on my face… well, maybe you could say she had a change of heart?

" Alright, alright, come in," she said. " I'll explain it to you."

I walked into the room. When I got in, I was surprised to find a small Earth tree standing in the corner, with shiny red balls on it. Curious, I couldn't help but ask what was the meaning of this.

( What's this? ) I asked, pointing at the strange tree.

Visser One smirked at me. " It's a Christmas tree."

She didn't say any more, but started humming a little tune. It wasn't so bad in the silence. Not off key, and far better than screaming "carolers", as she herself had called them.

Feeling she needed a little prodding, I continued…

( And… _What _exactly is this 'Christmas' all about? )

Visser One stopped and looked at the tree almost kindly.

She shrugged and let out a laugh. " It's stupid really. People stuff huge trees into their houses and decorate them with lights and fluffy colored string, and children leave cookies and milk on a table in order to feed an extremely old man who drives a sleigh guided by flying animals which sort of resemble four-legged Hork-Bajir without the blades. The ambition of this man is to deliver Christmas presents to all the children on the planet, in the space of a mere twelve hours! Which, of course, is scientifically impossible."

( Of course. ) I said.

Visser One turned her back to me for a moment. I didn't quite understand why, but in any case I let it be.

( When you were on Earth, ) I said. ( Was there Christmas there? )

" Yes." she said simply.

( Was it special to you? )

" I suppose it was nice to live carefree for one day," she said, looking at the tree again.

I paused and looked at the tree as well. It was kind of nice, glittering in the soft light in Visser One's room. But still, one question burned in my mind.

( Why, though? ) I asked. ( Why is it that the humans celebrate this holiday? )

She stayed silent for a moment. I guess she may not have known the answer herself, even as human expert. But just when I thought she wasn't going to answer, she turned around and said:

" It's a source of hope for them, I guess. No matter how bad your life is, Christmas is the one day where nothing can go wrong. Foolish, really, to believe such a thing. But they seem to think that this time of year is magical, and that you can find happiness even in the most sorrowful times."

She seemed deep in thought for a moment, but before I even had time to think much of it, she laughed and smirked at me.

" Well, Visser, now you know what Christmas is. Doesn't stop those carolers from being intensely annoying."

She rolled her eyes. So did I.

( You think THAT's bad? ) I exclaimed. ( You should see Iniss! He keeps yelling at me to be happy because it's Christmas! The dweeb wouldn't let me go to bed! )

" Iniss is annoying, isn't he?" Visser One miraculously agreed with me.

( Yes he is. )

" Now, you should really be going to bed…" Visser One said.

( Are you JOKING? ) I yelled. ( I'm not going back there! Iniss is going to Christmasify me! )

" Visser Three?"

( What? )

" Get out of my room."

( Ohh FINE. ) I said angrily.

I marched out of Visser One's room and slid the door closed behind me. I looked down the hall up to and beyond my room, and – thank the lords – noticed that the fricking carolers were gone. I stomped to my room and punched in my key code, letting my own door slide open.

I walked in, and saw Iniss sitting on the couch. He looked at me hopefully, wondering if maybe I would accept his enthusiasm for Christmas.

But then, something snapped inside me. As I heard the door slide closed behind my back, I suddenly burst out laughing like an Andalite bandit.

( Haa haa… HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA! ) I laughed.

" Um… Visser?" Iniss got up off his seat and cautiously walked toward me. " Are… are you okay?"

( HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! … Yes I'm fine Iniss, AHAHAHAHA! )

I simply could not stop laughing! I somehow managed to choke out "I'm going to bed" to Iniss, whose saddened expression didn't phase me at all. I laughed my head off at every possible thing all the way to my room, where as soon as I closed the door, I happily walked to the desk and took a hoof of my waterbowl.

I laid down on my bed at last, feeling instantly relaxed. I felt like smiling. Why? I don't know. I guess sometimes when you think nothing could ever be worse, you can find happiness in the strangest places.

Apparently, that's what "Christmas" is all about. Being happy even when nothing can go right.

And well, I have to admit that once a year, that isn't such a bad idea…

" Visser Three?" I heard Visser One's voice from next door.

( What, Visser One? ) I asked, annoyed yet happy.

" … Have a horrible Christmas tomorrow."

I smiled. ( I wish you a _worse _Christmas than me, ) I said solemnly.

She laughed. " Good night, Visser Three."

( Good night, Visser One. )

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**There! Wasn't that SWEET? Visser Three is not the Yeerk version of the Grinch after all! Hope you enjoyed that and don't forget to review. Merry Christmas everyone!**


	12. Host Swap, Part One

**A/N: **Hey guys! For this one special chapter, let's get a glimpse into the mind of **Visser One**… For reasons you'll understand later on, this chapter is in her narrative! Also, **THIS IS ANOTHER TWO-PARTER! **I know, I know, that sucks... butI had to divide this into two parts since it was twelve pages long and nowhere NEAR being done. Here's part one, and you can expect part two sometime in the next two weeks, MOST PROBABLY sometime this week. Enjoy!

Now that we're almost in the 90s for reviews, I'm going to let everyone know that just as the 50th reviewer prize, there WILL be a **100th Reviewer Prize. **Trust me, any V3D fan wants this prize. So don't forget to review, by next chapter, YOU might be the 100th reviewer!

**This chapter is dedicated to Tobyas, and please read his story, "The Life of Visser 7", which is a side story he wrote to Visser Three's Diary! Thanks Tobyas! Also, to thank him, his character, Visser Seven, is guest-starring in this chapter. Enjoy Tobyas!**

I really. Seriously. Do not own Animorphs. Don't sue me. I mean it.

**Chapter 12 – Host Swap, Part One**

**Visser One's PoV**

Well then.

It's been a long week… It seems the chemical plant down the hall exploded and left temporary effects on two people taking an unfortunate part in my already miserable life.

By all accounts you should NOT be reading this. In fact, the only way you could possibly be reading this is if that idiot Visser Three _stole _it and stuck it in his diary! Hah! As if that would happen.

That would, of course, mean he had the key code to my room. Which, by all accounts, should not be. Although now… who knows?

In any case, let's start at the beginning. Which, strangely enough, started Friday night at the shipboard Yeerk pool.

Friday night. Visser Three's and my feeding day. And that of Councilor Four and (eyeroll…) Councilor Three. LORDS is he annoying! I cannot stand him! Only the lords know why he keeps getting _invited _places with us!

… Or maybe he _isn't _invited. Maybe he's a stalker.

Oh goody! Yet another one to add to my list!

… I need a vacation.

Anyhow, that night, that annoying low-rank Iniss Two-Two-Six decided to accompany us to the pool… Joy. I know I sound very sombre today… but you know, YOU would be too if… Shudder… Well, you'll see soon enough.

It started out with Councilor Four, Visser Three and I kind of leaving the… other two… behind. We walked casually over to the market, stopping at an occasional window to stare in disgust at a bloated Taxxon feasting on something perhaps still alive.

But mostly, we engaged in light-hearted conversation!

( Soooo… why are we here? ) Visser Three of course.

" Because _you _decided to bring your annoying P.A. along and we're trying to get rid of him." I snapped accusingly.

( ME! You know he follows me everywhere! ) Visser Three exclaimed.

" Naaah… he follows _me _everywhere." I rolled my eyes.

( Well yeah but…) he paused, giving me a slight fish eye. ( Same difference! )

" You're a dapsen for hiring him!" I said.

( Well YOU can just stop hanging out with me! )

" Me? Ahahaha! That's hilarious. YOU'RE hanging out with ME!"

( Stupid. )

" Retard."

" You guys argue like an old married couple, you know that?" exclaimed Councilor Four, just jumping right in.

" Yeeeah… we know," I said.

I gave Visser Three an affectionate jab in the stomach.

( Yow! ) he yelled, grabbing my arm and twisting it.

I made a face.

" Now, now," said Councilor Four, rolling his eyes. " Let's not get physical!"

" Physical?" I raised an eyebrow at Visser Three. " With him? Gross."

Visser Three made an incredibly disgusting, I dare say offended, face in my direction.

" _Especially _with that face." I laughed. " No really Visser Three. You _have _to find a way to improve that face."

( I wouldn't talk, you imbecile! Ever looked in the mirror? )

" Actually I have and it wasn't very disappointing. I'm sure you can't say the same for yourself."

" Well… it _is _the inside that counts," Councilor Four said, shrugging at Visser Three.

I glared at him. " Thanks a lot!"

" Urgh! This is lame!" Councilor Four exclaimed.

I gave him a sideways punch in the stomach.

" You sound like Visser Two!" I yelled, taking on my 'mocking Visser Two' voice: " 'This is lame, this is lame'!"

( Visser One? Are you feeling alright? )

" I'm hungry you imbecile, how about you?"

( Ooooookay. Sorry I asked. )

… Now _may _be a good time to mention that I get in an _extremely _bad mood when I'm hungry. It isn't my fault.

Really.

Where was Councilor Eight when you needed him?

" Okay, now I'm _really _hungry guys. Who cares about that stupid Iniss and Loud-And-Nasal? Let's just go FEED before I take it out on you Visser Three."

Visser Three raised an eyebrow. ( Why is it that _I'm _always the guinea pig? )

I shrugged, smiled and winked self-mockingly at him. " I'm just lucky I guess."

( … Right. )

---

So we went to stand in line… blah, blah, blah, pointless chatter. Fast forward… Cut to me knocking over a random Hork-Bajir and practically leaping into the pool.

" Yes! Finally! FOOD!" I yelled. " Grab the host, grab the host!"

The two Hork-Bajir grabbed my human host, Isabel, by both her arms, as I eagerly made my way out of her ear and into the SWEET KANDRONA-FILLED LIQUID! … Okay, sorry. I'm just driven to my feeding day.

'Someday, when I'm an incredibly fat old Yeerk, I'll have no one to blame but myself.' Yada yada. Fricking Overeaters Anonymous Yeerk groups… Yes, yes we have them too. It isn't only you humans who get to suffer. Joy suffering.

Anyway.

I plunged into the pool and… ahh… my Yeerk senses were ecstatic. I was in heaven. This was the ultimate sensation, to feel myself revitalize, strengthen little by little.

Other Yeerks bumped into me. I wondered if maybe one of them was Councilor Eight. I wished he was here right now, this little feeding frenzy would be much more, ah, interesting were he here.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't think very much of it when some random YEERK shot past me with incredible speed, making me spin on myself until I was dizzy. If it is even _possible _for a Yeerk to get dizzy unless they happen to be on oatmeal.

( EXCUUUSE ME! ) I squeaked uncontrollably, angry beyond belief. So much for my happy day.

( Sooooooooooooooooooooorrryyyyyyyyyyy!) droned the evidently hyper dapsen.

I made an interior eyeroll. How stupid can you get?

… Like Visser Three. GEEZ he's slow! … It's actually cute how stupid he is.

( You better be! ) I shrieked.

Funny how somehow the squeaky, ultrasonic voice seemed familiar… ah well. You know, I was kind of too ANGRY to CARE right then.

( Stupid idiotic dapsen… ) I muttered to myself. ( Bumping into a high-ranking Visser _such as _myself… Young Yeerks these days have absolutely _no _-- )

( INISS, HAVE YOU GONE _MAD_! ) shrieked Visser Three from, well, not so far away…

- BUMP!

( Ahh! ) And… there I went…

Spinning. Again. What was I, a spinning top?

( _Visser Three_ you MORON! ) I yelled at him, raging. ( Trust me, you'll see MAD if you lay a SINGLE ANTENNAE on me again! )

( Sohohohorryyyyyy! ) Visser Three wailed. And somehow I doubt he was crying because of my angry death threat.

( _Gofan KERLAY _WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS POOL! ) I yelled silently, angrily of course, to myself.

At least… for a few moments I _thought _it had been to myself…

( I don't know Visser but… you're surely looking great today? ) said a tiny, squeaky, hesitant voice nearby, proving me wrong.

I spun around instinctively, although it helped nothing of course: What was the point? I couldn't see him no matter _which _way I was pointed!

( Hello? What is your name, you insolent little twit? ) I asked calmly enough.

( Um… Temrash Three-Two-Six? ) the strange… person… replied. ( Well, my rank is Visser Seven if that's what you meant. )

( Uh huh. That'll do. And, yes, Visser Seven? You ARE aware that I of course look like nothing, since in fact you cannot _see _me. )

( I am aware, Visser. I was simply supposing, since you always look great. )

( Ohh quit your blubbering, ) I sneered.

I swam away slowly, hoping I would drive this new annoyance away from my life. But, unfortunately, I soon noticed that Visser Seven was _still _following me.

… Oye.

( Hey Visser One? ) Visser Seven called from just behind me. ( Did you know that this creepy low-rank, Iniss Two-Two-Six I think… thinks I'm his dad? Is that strange or _what_? )

( Yes, that is strange, ) I droned. ( Considering that your "son" stalks me twenty-four-seven. )

( Stalks you? How? )

( He installed a camera in my shower. )

( Ahh. Strange character, that one. )

( Yeeah… You bet, ) I sighed.

( I guess I -- )

( You know what? ) I interrupted. ( My little Yeerk stomach is starting to hurt, so I'm just going to get out of the pool. )

( Great! Me too. I'm going to get out as well. ) Visser Seven beamed.

I rolled my nonexistant eyes. Drat.

( Greeeat, ) I said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

I swam quickly up to the pier, in a last desperate attempt to chase off Visser Seven. To no avail. The two Hork-Bajir guards brought Isabel out from her cage and held her under for me to squeeze my way back into her brain. Soon, I was at full capacity again, PLUS with arms, legs and eyes!

" Nice." I told myself, satisfied. " That was good."

" What was that, Visser?" the biggest of the Hork-Bajir guards said in the nicest way possible. " Do you need anything?"

" Naah," I said coldly. " Mind your business, Tiny."

I walked away. Where Visser Three and Councilor Four were was beyond me. Not that I exactly _cared_ where Visser Three was. But you already know that…

I was walking away from the pool quickly enough, and I had just started to catch my breath when suddenly a hand touched my shoulder.

"AAH!"

I spun around. It turns out the person who had so INDISCREETLY clasped my shoulder was in fact a Yeerk with a handsome brown-haired, blue-eyed human host. He wasn't very tall. Unless you consider me tall. We were just about the same height.

" Hey, Visser One, it's me Visser Seven. From the pool." He smiled. " Remember me?"

I exhaled deeply. " Yes, of course," I said, just dripping fake joy. " I don't have _that _bad a memory."

" Oh! No," Visser Seven said quickly. " I didn't mean --"

" You know what?" I suggested. " Just drop it."

" Okay."

He looked me over, while trying not to LOOK like he was looking me over. I didn't really care you know, I get that EVERY DAY.

Funny thing is, even though it was the first time I'd actually spoken to Visser Seven one on one, I still recognized him. He was a fairly popular Yeerk around the Empire ship. He didn't hang around with our regular group, and I practically never saw him, but I knew him because he hangs out, among others, with one of my best female friends, Jaell One-Eight-Two, and her first mate Visser Eighteen.

But still, I found it kind of awkward to be suddenly stuck with this Visser whom I hardly even knew, so, strangely enough, it was like a call from the heavens when I heard the "clop, clop" of delicate hooves coming this way.

But if I was happy to see him, I didn't let it show.

Obviously.

" Ohh nooo…" I droned, rolling my eyes.

" What?" Visser Seven asked, just COMPLETELY oblivious.

( Viiisser Onne! ) the intoxicated four-legged stinky blue dapsen called out.

" That." I pointed at same blue dapsen, addressing Visser Seven.

" Oh."

Visser Three self-mockingly smiled like a dork, coming to a halt in front of me. ( Viiiiiisser ONE! )

" Visser Three!" I said, absolutely irritated.

Suddenly, in front of a speechless Visser Seven, Visser Three walked up and laced him arms around my waist in a… hug?

" Wh… _what_?" I said, trying to push the intoxicated dapsen away. " Let me go, you moron, let me go before this makes the home page of YeerkEmpire.uni!"

" Um…" Visser Seven cut in. " Aren't you and Visser Three like… worst enemies?"

" Yes! We are!" I exclaimed, just as surprised as he was. Then, redirecting my more-or-less attention back to the incredible pervert which was Visser Three, " You hear? We're worst enemies! NOW LET ME GO!"

Strangely enough, Visser Three obeyed and let go.

I don't know _what_ kind of drugs he was on, but it was _seriously _starting to creep me out to the point of being traumatized for the rest of all eternity.

" Okay." I said calmly… so much for calmly. " WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

I slapped him across the face, and then… and then…

He cried.

Oh my God.

_Visser Three_, Torturer Extraordinaire, Person-Who-Has-No-Feelings, cold, evil, ruthless _Visser Three _actually cried. CRIED! Real Andalite tears!

" Oookay, _what _is going on with you?" I exclaimed.

" Is he _crying_?" Visser Seven asked, both concerned and awed.

" Shut up," I said urgently.

( Why must you always HURT me! ) Visser Three bawled. ( It's painful! No one wants to be hurt, Visser One! )

" Oh yeah," I snapped, just plain offended. " Tell that to the Yeerk whom you tortured in every possible way at least a million times."

I pointed at myself, wide-eyed in anger.

( But… snif… _You _started it! )

" So _what_!" I yelled. " … Wait a second… I did not!"

( Yeeees! You… snif… DIHIHIHIHIHID! Waaaaaaaahh! WAAAAAAH! )

He ran up and threw his arms around me again, bawling his eyes out, with me just standing there, still completely oblivious to what the hell I DID.

And may I mention that, the whole time I was standing there, frozen in place, exchanging scared glances with Visser Seven (who was still there of course), that idiot Visser Three just kept crying and crying and crying.

People were starting to stare.

" Get off, get OFF!" I urged the stupid Yeerk having a mental breakdown on my shoulder.

" What's wrong with him?" Visser Seven squeaked, his first words for quite a while.

" I don't know," I said, struggling to get Visser Three off me (YOU try lifting a six-thousand-pound Andalite off your shoulder in a scrawny human host!). " Maybe he's sick or something, how should I know?"

" Well, shouldn't we find out?"

" Excuse me? Do I CARE if my worst enemy is sick to the point of delusion?"

" Pardon me ma'am but I think you _should _be… After all, he IS hugging you… What if he gets worse?"

I blinked twice. " You're sick!"

" I am."

I raised an eyebrow at him. But when Visser Three starting rubbing his furry blue cheek against mine (which is, creepily enough coming from him, a Yeerk kiss), I decided that perhaps Visser Seven was right after all and that we should be getting the hell out of here…

So, dragging Visser Three (who was still trying to touch me…), we slowly made our way to my room. And when I say slowly I mean VERY slowly. So slowly we actually took the time to not only notice but REFLECT on what was happening around us.

Eventually (thank the Empire), we arrived at the room. I quickly punched in my key code and then, to my incredible relief, the door slid open.

I turned to Visser Seven, who was apparently trying to hold Visser Three's head away from the pink corridor wall. " Bring him inside, we'll try to figure out what in the name of Akdor is wrong with him."

Visser Seven nodded, looking only slightly terrified. He dragged the poor imbecile which was Visser Three into my room, which normally the huge dapsen would not be allowed into, but hey, everyone makes exceptions.

( Well this is a gosh darn pretty room isn't it? ) Visser Three blurted kind of drunkenly. ( I like the walls, and – oh! FLUFFY PINK MAT! )

I slapped my forehead and rubbed my hand along my face in exasperation. What was he, three?

" Visser Three, did you eat anything particular today?" I asked in the nicest tone possible.

" Oatmeal, perhaps?" Visser Seven chimed in. " … No? Cheese? Cornflakes?"

" Chocolate?" I prodded.

" Butter?" Visser Seven.

" Flavored ham?"

" Nutrigrain bars?"

" Granola?"

" Cereal bran?"

" … Eggs?"

" … _Eggs_?" Visser Seven raised an eyebrow.

I shrugged.

( No, nooo, none of that! ) Visser Three suddenly sported a huge smile. ( But I would like a huge bowl of oatmeal. )

" Ohhh no." I frowned. " No no. Let's not forget what happened _last _time you had oatmeal."

" Ohh yes…" he smiled dumbly. " Did you have fun? Oh I wish I was there!"

I raised an eyebrow. " Empire to Visser Three. You _were _there!"

" I was? … I mean, oh yeah! I was!"

" Riiiight…" Visser Seven said. " I'm just going to _pretend _I have the slightest idea of what you two are talking about. Although now… now I'm starting to get a picture in my mind, and trust me when I say it ain't pretty."

I smiled. " You got that right."

( Let's think of a fun activity… ) Visser Three said, completely ignoring us. ( I know! Visser One, come sit on my lap while I eat thousands and thousands of granola bars! )

" … Granola bars, Visser Three?" I asked sceptically. " You don't even have a mouth."

( Yes I do! ) Visser Three exclaimed.

" You're having delusions." I said. " Let's get you to bed. Maybe you'll come to your senses by morning."

( Bed? ) his entire face lit up. ( _Wooohooo_! )

I made a face. " Mm. Come to think of it, more like couch."

( Ooh. Even better. ) his eyes glazed over.

" Okaaay," I muttered, just a BIT freaked out. " I don't know _what _kind of rotten, poisonous pipe you travelled in today, but --"

He reached out his hand and started stroking my leg. Of course, I simply wouldn't have it. I slapped him in the face and he just slumped down onto the floor.

Visser Seven walked up and we both looked down at the writhing mess in horror.

" Is he dead?" Visser Seven asked hopefully.

" No you moron, he isn't dead!" I looked at him like maybe he was stupid. " Can't you hear the infernal sounds of his almost snorting breathing?"

" Oh. Yeah. Well, Visser, you can't be mad at me for hoping."

( Visser One? ) Visser Three asked weakly, waking up.

" Yes, Visser Three?" I said exasperatedly.

( If I die… can I bring you with me in my coffin? )

I just stared at him.

" You big doaf!" I exclaimed. Then… after a few deeeeeep breaths… I added calmly, " If you bury me in your coffin, trust me, you'll wish you were dead because I will revive you and beat the living daylights out of you."

He looked at me.

Then, he looked behind me.

His smile froze directly off his face.

" VIIIIIIISSER!" he shrieked, jumping to his feet. " Oh no!"

I turned around. So did Visser Seven. I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn't sleeping. But it was true. Very true.

And also very scary.

There, standing directly behind me, was… well, Iniss. And not only Iniss. Iniss, with the single most murderous glance I have ever seen.

" Give me back my host you rotten scum of a personal assistant!" Iniss shrieked.

My confused gaze shifted to Visser Three, now on his guard. Visser Three stared back, looking equally confused.

( What are you talking about Iniss? This is not your host, it's my host! MINE, MINE, MINE! )

" No it isn't!" Iniss screamed. " It's _mine_! I can't believe you STOLE Alloran from me at the pool. I just can't believe it."

I looked from Iniss to Visser Three and back again. Visser Seven looked at me questioningly. Visser Three and Iniss looked at each other, and everyone was just _looking _at _someone_. But by now I knew. I knew.

" _It's _mine_! I can't believe you STOLE Alloran from me at the pool. I just can't believe it."_

Iniss, being the brainless dapsen that he is, would never have been able to think a lie like that up on his own without it sounding like a total lie. So the only clear explanation was… Visser Three, as in Andalite-hosted Visser Three, wasn't really Visser Three at all.

" You STOLE Visser Three's host?" I exclaimed, spinning to face Visser Three... Iniss… whoa, I'm getting all confused here.

Anyway, I turned to Iniss in _Alloran_ and glared surprisingly.

" But why?" I couldn't help but ask.

( No, I won't tell you! ) Iniss yelled with Visser Three's voice.

I was about to rage at him. But before I could get a Dracon beam and shoot off the fool's head, I felt a hand grab my shoulder.

" Come with me!" I heard Iniss… no, Visser Three… say.

I turned around and walked with him outside, looking dreadfully pissed. We left behind us a terrified Visser Seven and a maniacal Andalite-Controller now known as Iniss Two-Two-Six.

" But – but Vissers!" Visser Seven implored.

" Make sure you watch him!" I yelled back before shutting the door.

I turned to Visser Three, my back against the wall. He looked completely murderous.

" HOW could that dweeb steal my host?" he yelled, stomping his feeble Iniss foot on the ground. " I was the _only _Andalite-Controller! He can't steal away my glory, I --"

I grabbed his shoulders and shook him rougly. " You moron! A situation like this and all you can think about is your damn Andalite host? Don't you realize that we have more problems here!"

" Like…?" that stupid idiot dared to ask. As if he was the only freaking Yeerk on the homeworld.

" Listen you fricking dapsen!" I pointed to the door and lowered my voice. " If that deranged creep stays in that host for long enough, we could all die."

" You like saying that, don't you?" Visser Three asked, _completely_ irrelevantly.

" You suck, Visser Three." I said after a short pause.

" I hate to agree, but in this host, yes I do." Visser Three agreed.

" I think Iniss's defective brain cells got stuck to the human and are starting to rub off on you."

He hit me. I slapped him. He got mad and kicked me. _I_ got mad and shoved him against the nearest wall.

" Okay, okay!" Visser Three said. " We aren't going to fix ANYTHING like this. We're going to have to get Iniss out of my host."

" But how? We can't exactly wait three days!" I exclaimed.

" Listen, Visser One." Visser Three sighed. " Unfortunately, I know Iniss. And if there's one thing that Iniss is, it's determined. I hate to say it, but I think that for three days, it'll have to stay like this. Me in his host, and him in my host. Let's just hope everything doesn't go completely and totally wrong."

" Yeah, let's hope." I said, glaring at him.

We started walking away, just to escape from the horror that we would most likely face up to in the next few days.

" Are you sure about this?" I asked nervously.

" Nope!" Visser Three replied.

I sighed. " I thought not."

He looked at me. " Well, it's alright isn't it? Like I said, as long as everything doesn't go completely and totally wrong!"

I looked pretty sceptical. You would be too, if you had to live with a maniac in an Andalite host just next door.

I kept on walking, a bit faster.

" Let's hope, Visser Three." I said. " And if you're wrong, I'll kill you."

* * *

**Stay tuned for part two of "Host Swap!", coming soon to a computer near you:P**

**And while you're at it, please review part one!**

**  
**


	13. Host Swap, Part Two

A/N: Another chapter of V3D? Can it be? But SINISTER! It's only been a day! Quit spreading the madness!  
… Okay, long story short: I was stuck in the house all day and was bored out of my mind. So, what happens? A new chapter! Quit questioning me and just READ already:P

**Dedicated to Concrete Angel for the great reviews. Better late than never:P**

**Chapter 13 – Host Swap, Part Two **

**Back to Visser Three**

July 21st

Entry 12

Dear Diary,

Visser One, Visser Seven and I walked into my room, slowly, slowly… with not one sound we let the door slide shut behind us as we stepped further in.

" Are you ready?" I asked them.

" Yup," Visser Seven.

" As ready as I'll ever be." Visser One.

We walked on until we could just decipher it in the distance… the sounds of a mad Yeerk-controlled Andalite thought-speak humming like nothing I'd ever heard.

" You got the shovel?" I whispered to Visser One.

She nodded. " You got the human Sobeys bag?"

" Yes," I replied.

" Then what are we waiting for?" Visser Seven asked. " Let's do this!"

We entered my main room, and found the dapsen in the corner, applying green finger paint to my beautiful red wall. He would stain my fur! How long would it take to get that stuff off?

" How long will it take you to get that stuff off?" Visser One whispered.

" Shh!" I said urgently.

We walked up calmly to the still-oblivious dapsen, until we were standing nothing but a foot away from him.

" Ready?" I mouthed inaudibly to Visser One.

" Ready," she mouthed back.

I lifted one finger. One.

Two.

Three.

" Go!" I yelled.

- BANG!

Iniss let out a thought-speak scream, but before he even had a second to THINK about reacting, Visser One slammed the shovel against his head. Success! He slumped to the ground, unconscious. I ran up and quickly slipped the Sobeys bag around his eyes, tying it firmly into place.

" Visser Seven?" I called to a guy that just happens to be one of my best friends, although I wouldn't have expected dapsenish Visser One to know that.

" Yeah?" he asked, completely unaware.

I looked at him exasperatedly. " Have you been gargling with _bong water_?"

" Uh…"

" Hello! Restraints, restraints!" I yelled.

" Oh yeah!" Visser Seven exclaimed, snapping out of it.

He walked up to the bruised, blindfolded Andalite-Controller before us, and swiftly tied his hands together with microfibre cords. He then (painfully bent over) did the same to all four of his hooves, two front and two rear. Finally, Visser One took out a protective sheath from her pocket, which she placed firmly on Alloran's tail blade.

And then, finally, Iniss was absolutely helpless. Now, all we had to do was stuff this… well… this very heavy Andalite body into my closet! Like that would be so easy.

… But maybe I should back up and explain.

It all started a few days ago (at this time that very morning) at the Yeerk pool. I was simply feeding as usual, although perhaps I took a bit too long… What? I was hungry! Anyhow, I was just sitting there in the pool, feeding, when suddenly I heard a very evil (as in freaky, disturbing sort of evil) SQUEAKY VOICE behind me! Or in front of me! How should I know?

But in any case, the voice was Iniss, and I think he had eaten just a leeeeetle too much oatmeal that morning…

( VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSEEEEEEEEERRRR! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ) he shrieked like a little girl.

( Whooaaaa… ) I mumbled, just a BIT freaked out. Then I added to Iniss, ( Iniss, of all the times in the universe, THIS would be the precise time to LEAVE ME ALONE. Go feed, and leave me to feed in peace! )

Iniss just kept laughing like a maniac as he sped off into the distance. I didn't much of it. The fact is, I didn't really care, as long as he left me alone! The fact was, as long as Iniss was FAR AWAY from me, I didn't really GIVE an Andalite's ass _what _he freaking did.

At least, I _didn't _care… That is, until I got OUT of the pool and quickly realized that I was no longer in familiar, slightly constipated Alloran, but rather in INISS's scrawny human host! That's just about when I figured that something had gone terribly wrong. And it was only a while after I had my first panic attack that I was faced with a _second _one: I found out that Iniss, of all people, had STOLEN Alloran, for who knows _what _reason! So now, thanks to him, we had to spend three days like this. Three whole days of me in Iniss's host, and of INISS in my formidable, not to mention dangerous Andalite host!

Which is why Visser Seven, Visser One and I were standing in the middle of my room, having just knocked out Iniss with a shovel. Well, actually, Visser Seven and I were standing there, while Visser One, who strangely enough now had the strongest endurance, and human arms, out of all three of us (the shame), dragged the heavy Andalite body, and the unconscious mental Yeerk inside, into my already-too-full closet. Once the tightly bound Iniss was perfectly secured inside, Visser One clumsily stepped back out and walked toward us.

" Well." She sighed and looked at each of us. Then she added sarcastically, " That was… fun."

" Oh so fun," I agreed even MORE sarcastically.

" As say the humans, 'woopti-freaking-do'," Visser Seven added.

He looked at his watch, then sighed.

" Are you two aware that we've been trying to figure out what to do with Iniss for FIVE HOURS and we've only come up with a decent -- "

" Half-decent." Visser One cut in quickly.

" – plan one hour ago?" Visser Seven finished. " … And yes, Visser, more like half-decent."

" It _was _our last resort after all," I said.

" You know," Visser One said in my regard. " You look _and _sound like Iniss, which drastically creeps me out."

" I DO NOT sound like INISS!" I yelled. " I'm not that stupid!"

" Could have fooled me," she said, followed by a long yawn.

" Okay! Okay, stop arguing!" Visser Seven exclaimed. " I know that it's a huge part of your daily lives, but really, we need to figure something else out. A blow from a shovel doesn't last forever you know."

Visser One grabbed the shovel. " How about _five _blows from a shovel? It can't hurt."

" Yes it _can_!" I shrieked. " I don't want to be stuck in a half brain dead host in three days!"

" Five blows?" Visser One seemed skeptical. " And besides, I'd be hurting that fricking Iniss!"

" You know, she's got a point," Visser Seven chimed in.

" Oh come on…" I muttered. " Even if she said 'cows are green' she'd have a point to you people."

" What was that?" Visser Seven raised an eyebrow.

" Nothing important."

" Right…" Visser One said, raising _both_ her eyebrows at us. " You guys, we _are _getting a bit out of hand. And besides, it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed now and leave you males to figure this out... Please don't blow up the universe while you're at it."

" LATE?" I exclaimed, angry that she was leaving us alone with a mental idiot sleeping in the closet. " What time is it?"

Visser Seven once again looked at his watch. As if the thing was the Ellimist and could dictate our every movement.

" It's precisely twelve seventeen," he said.

" Ahh well that's not so --" I started.

" At _night_." Visser Seven added quickly.

" Oh. Well then," I said.

" In other words, it's good time for me to head out as well." He walked towards the door. " Good luck with all this, Visser."

He paused and nodded toward Visser One.

" Good night, Visser One."

" Good night, Visser Seven," Visser One replied. She walked with him to the doorstep, then turned back to face me. " See you tomorrow, you unholy dapsen."

I nodded, very unimpressed with the two little traitors.

" Yeah. Yeah _thanks_ for that," I said VERY bitterly.

Visser One smirked and walked off as the door shut behind her.

I sighed. Ahhh Visser One… You just can't live with her.

Half-heartedly, I decided there was nothing more I could do tonight. And so, feeling sleep starting to loom up on my unfamiliar human body, I decided to head off to bed as well.

But as I faced my room once again and passed the closet, it dawned on me: I couldn't sleep in here! This was my room, certainly, but with Iniss tied up in the closet, it just wasn't safe enough. What if he somehow got out and assassinated me? No, no… I couldn't risk that. I mean, who _knows _what could have happened to the poor slave's mind to even steal Alloran from me in the first place? No, better not risk it…

That, _and _the fact that if he woke up, he'd be screaming his head off in thought-speak for me to get him out of there.

I would still hear him wherever I went, unless I walked off a couple miles or so. But you know, walls _do _work in favour of muting the infernal sound a bit.

So, where would I sleep? _That _was the question, after all.I thought about it. And the more I thought about it… The more I was freaked out, because the more I knew there was only _one other option_…

Geez. Wake me up when life gets easier.

---

- Toc toc toc.

I knocked on the locked, sealed door. And when there was no answer, as I _should _have expected, I knocked again.

And again.

_And _again.

And then, when I lost my patience and my fingers got all bruised up from knocking so hard, I decided to be a simple Yeerk and just ring the damn doorbell.

- Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

I waited… waited…

" _Hi, it's Visser One,_" I heard a familiar voice from behind the door.

" Visser One!" I yelled frantically. " It's me! Look, I know you hate me for waking you up, but please open the --"

" … _I'm obviously not home right now, guess you were too stupid to figure _that _out… But anyway, leave a message, you know the drill. I don't waste my breath on anything._"

- Beep!

Answering machine! ARRRRGH! I frowned and kicked the door repetitively until my foot hurt. That DAPSEN! Refusing to open the door for ME! … Well, you know I _should _have expected that… But I DIDN'T! So THERE!

I sighed.

" Visser One!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. " I know you're in there! Now open the door, or else when I get Alloran back the first thing I'll do is chop off your head!"

The was no answer for a moment. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. Stuck out here in the hall with nothing to call my own. Take out the violin, people. Visser Three has no HOME! Waaaaah! … Okay… Okay. Get a hold of yourself man.

" _What about Iniss's room?" _you most certainly ask yourself. _" I mean, come on Visser Three! At least it's better than sleeping in the hall!"_

No, you see, the answer is NO! Before fully accepting that sleeping in Visser One's room was my last resort, I decided to check out the cubby hole in the wall that Iniss calls his room.

Shudder… Trust me, I took one look in there and I assure you I will be scarred for life. Not only that, I ran away screaming like the Chickens, as the humans say, which, as you know Diary, only happens when I am extremely CREEPED OUT OF MY MIND.

So anyway, with my last resort gone away in a sliver of a voice from an answering machine beyond the door of my worst enemy's chambers, you could figure that I was just about to cross the small borderline between "slightly insane" and "lock me up in a rubber room". But then, just as I was about to lose all hope and have a mental breakdown right there on the soft linoleum floor of the ship, I heard a click, followed by the sound of a door sliding open.

" Alright, Almighty Door Smasher, what do you want?"

I lifted my gaze up from the floor and stopped my angry foot in mid-kick from yet another door-beating, and saw Visser One standing with the door ajar, her hair wet and wavy and wearing a silky purple bathrobe.

" Are you _going_ somewhere?" I asked increduously.

She gave me a slight fish eye. " I was in the _shower_, you doaf. Why must you always bother me when I'm _trying _to take a shower?"

" I do not – uhh… ahh, wait yeah I do," I blushed. " But really, this time it's important!"

" Uh huh." she said _so _COMPLETELY sincerely.

" I mean it Visser One." I said exasperatedly.

She sighed. " Fine, what is it that you want now?"

It was my turn to sigh. " Visser One, I need to use your room. Any chance of a guest room I could sleep in?"

" WHY?" she practically screamed.

" You know as well as I do that I can't sleep in that room with a mad Andalite tied up in the closet!" I exclaimed.

" We put a SHEATH on his tail blade!" Visser One said. " What more could you want?"

" Visser One," I said, patting her shoulder. " You'd be surprised what Iniss can do with the horrible lack of a brain he possesses."

She rolled her eyes, looking very unimpressed.

" FINE!" she exclaimed. " I have one guest room."

She violently lifted up her left index finger.

" _One_!" she repeated. " And not one word, or else I'm kicking you straight out into the hall head first."

" Of course, of course… hah! Why would I complain?"

She gave me yet another exasperated fish eye and grabbed my human arm to roughly drag me to her guest room. A huge smile plastered all over my face at the thought of having a place to stay that didn't involve getting my brain chewed out by irritating thought-speak cries by Iniss/Alloran, I took a look inside…

… So much for not _complaining_.

To my absolute horror, Visser One's guest room was filled – and I mean _filled _– with those ANNOYING fluffy pink accessories of hers!

Fluffy pink comforter. Fluffy pink pillows, mats, brushes, desk covers. There was even a fluffy pink CHAIR, for crying out loud!

Twitch. Fluffy. Pink. Twitch. SCARY!

" No no no…" I said, giving Visser One an appalled glance. " There is _NO WAY _I am sleeping in the midst of all these fluffy pink _things_."

She raised her hands in the air, exasperated. " It's the only guest room I can lend you!"

But unfortunately for Visser One, I for one was determined.

" Uh uh. No way." I said again, shaking my head over and over. " Why don't _you _sleep in the guest room?"

" Oh no, dapsen. You're not forcing me out of my own room! I get my room, period."

We both stayed silent for a moment, glaring at each other in pure, undiluted hatred.

But then, Visser One smirked. Oh no… She must have come up with another of her wretched plans to completely trap and humiliate me!

Why? Why did she have to put these evil, EVIL things in the guest room? Why not in her room? SHE loves them, not me!

" Well, Visser Three," she said with a laugh. " The choice is simple: Either you sleep here and put up with the fluffy pink accessories, or you come in my room and share a bed with me. As I said, simple choice. Now hurry up and make it, I'm going to bed."

She walked off, giggling like Ellie, only more evilly. She thought she was soooo good... She thought she had me trapped didn't she?

… Well lords help me, she did.

---

So that's how, five minutes later, I found myself in a warm, custom-sized, gold-comfortered bed… with my worst enemy.

Yep, it was hard, but in the end I decided to be a brave Yeerk and choose her over the evil fluffy pink accessories.

Visser One, for one, simply could not believe it.

" I can't believe it!" she exclaimed angrily. " I _can't believe _you chose me. Rrrrrrrrrgh!"

She muttered " Me and my big mouth…" to herself and moved as far away from me as possible.

" Hey! You asked for it!" I said. " Those fluffy pink things give me _nightmares _and you know it. I'm not happy about this either but it's a choice I had to make."

" Don't _I _give you nightmares?" Visser One screamed, just minutes away from hysterics.

" Yeah, but _those _nightmares involve me killing stuff," I said. " There's a huge difference."

She sighed noisily. " GEEZ I'll be glad when this whole fricking INISS thing is done and over with."

" You're not the only one, Visser." I said and turned over.

There was silence for a long time. In fact, I was actually almost _asleep _when Visser One piped up:

" Your god damn FOOT is touching mine!"

" Well GET IT OFF!" I screamed.

" YOUR foot is touching MINE!" she shrieked. " YOU get it off!"

_Uhhhh…! _I thought, feeling the rage up to here. _This is going to be a _loooooooong _night…_

---

It turns out I was right: That was the longest night of my life.

But relatively, the next day went by quickly enough. Most of it was just more of Visser One and I bickering over this and that, being awaken by Visser One yelling at me because I was practically laying down on top of her, random Yeerks barging into Visser One's room begging for pancakes, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal trying to sell us new and used pencils… you know, the usual.

It was the third day that was interesting. After the _second _longest night of my life, once again in Visser One's room, we were awaken, bright and early, by… well, Councilor Eight.

He came into the room at about six o'clock. Lords know what he was doing here… Ahem. Sarcastic. Cough.

" Edriss?" he called softly. " Surprise! … Are you awake?"

Then, I guess he realized she was in bed with me, because that's when the screaming started.

" Edriss!" he yelled, horrified.

Visser One shot up like a board.

" I'm sorry Essam!" she exclaimed, obviously still half-asleep. " I didn't know they were allergic to milk!"

Councilor Eight and I both just stared at her for a minute.

Visser One woke up and looked at me. I raised an eyebrow.

" Oh." she blushed. " Did I say that out loud?"

I nodded. Then, I moved my eyes frantically towards the intruding Councilor, hoping, PRAYING she would get the point.

She did.

" Oh, um… hi Councilor Eight!" she said, embarrassed.

" For the Emperor's sake!" Councilor Eight exclaimed. " Why are you spontaneously cheating on me with your _worst enemy_?"

" Females can have two mates!" she defended. " Wait… I wasn't even DOING anything!"

" Yeah right!" said the very hurt Councilor in the corner.

" It's true! Look…" Visser One sighed. " It isn't what you think. Long story short, Visser Three's host got stolen by his personal assistant and is now tied up in the closet in his room. Visser Three didn't want to sleep there, so he begged me to let him sleep in my guest room. I did, but then he was afraid of the fluffy pink stuff… and… I think you can guess the rest."

" Okay, I get it." Councilor Eight said. " But why didn't he sleep at Councilor Four's? They're friends, aren't they?"

Visser One pondered that for a moment. Then she nodded thoughtfully, and looked at me in confusion.

" Yeah…" she said. " Why _didn't _you stay with Councilor Four?"

I shrugged. " I was lazy and it was too far."

She sighed.

" Well I won't have you sharing a room with my mate." Councilor Eight said firmly. " How much longer is this stolen host issue going to last?"

" Until tomorrow morning," I replied. " It will have been three days."

Councilor Eight looked pensive. " I think we can arrange something here…"

---

( HAHAHA! ) I yelled. ( HAHA! … AHAHAHAHAHA -- )

" Visser Three shut up!" Visser One exclaimed urgently. " I know you're glad to have your host back, but let's not get carried away."

( Okay, okay, ruin the moment! ) I complained.

It was a few hours later. And I had ALLORAN back! Yeah, already! And strangely enough, I have Councilor Eight to thank for that.

See, it turns out Councilor Eight simply would not put up with me sharing a room with Visser One for one more night. So I brought him to my room, and, using his Councilorly authority over everyone, he ORDERED the now-awake, screaming Iniss to surrender my host or else die a most horrible fate. Of course, Iniss, being the scared little ninny he is, didn't have to be told twice. Beaten once again by Councilor Eight, in all his Councilorness, he quickly got out of the host, as did I, and we switched back into our rightful places.

Never thought I'd say this, but… thank the LORDS for Councilor Eight!

Today.

Tomorrow, he'll be back to being the annoying sissy dapsen he usually is. As he must.

" Well, that was… irritating." Visser One said.

( My laughter? ) I asked.

" No, you moron, the Iniss incident!" she exclaimed. " Although, now that I think about it, that laughter is awfully annoying too."

( It is not! ) I exclaimed. ( You know what's _really _annoying? YOUR voice! 'Visser Three, get out of my face!' 'Visser Three, your _foot _is touching mine.' 'Visser Three, become engulfed in my fluffy pinkness!' )

" I never said that!" she yelled.

( No you didn't. But I had a nightmare about you saying that and it wasn't pretty. )

" Really?"

( Yeah. Mostly because it contained your face. )

She got up and slapped me across the face.

Then, to my surprise, she smiled and hugged me.

" I'm glad you're back." She smirked.

I smirked back. ( I'm glad I'm back too. )

" You're an idiot."

( Yep. )

She pushed me roughly against the wall and we both laughed like idiots at the joy of life becoming NORMAL again… Well, as normal as it could ever _be _in this cursed month.

And so ends the misadventure of the host swap. Contrary to what you must think, Diary, it really was not enjoyable. But yet, the question still remained in my mind.

_Why_? What could have possibly been the purpose of this? What could have motivated Iniss to steal my host body and actually expect to live out his life as… as me?

That, Diary, is a question left unanswered.

And come to think of it, I'm not even sure I _want _to know!

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**So? Happy now? YAY! Finally Sinister makes a quick update! And quick is right! Haha:D Well, I hope you enjoyed that VERY quick update. Hurry up and review, and don't forget, the 100th reviewer gets a special prize! Who oh WHO will it be? Ta ta for now:P**

… **But okay guys, the game is over. You seriously cannot expect another chapter TOMORROW. Come on now, enough is enough! **


	14. It's Fun to Stay at the V

A/N: THANK YOU ANICRAZY for your reviews, and especially this one, for chapter 11!

I don't know why,but I have always supported V3/V1 pairings.Call me crazy...ANICRAZY!YAY!Suger high,heh-heh!

You are not crazy! My GOD no! Being a Closet Fan (V3/V1 supporter), that was perhaps THE best review I have ever received:D (gives you a cookie)… lol, sorry Ember:P

No wait… SECOND best. Okay. I just LOVE Ember's chapter 13 review WAY too much to replace it. :D

**Also, today is my birthday! So please enjoy this special BIRTHDAY UPDATE:D**

This chapter is dedicated to **Aizxana** and **Marco Dude**. Thanks for your reviews! **Aizxana**, thanks for the long chats on MSN, and **Marco Dude**, don't worry, you aren't the only Malaysian in the world.

Also dedicated to **Traycon 3**, Visser Three's Diary's **100th Reviewer. **Thanks for your review, and I hope you enjoy your prize!

* * *

**Visser Three's Diary**

**Chapter 14: It's Fun to Stay at the V**

July 22nd

Entry 11

Dear Diary,

Today, to "celebrate" our official fifth day with my intern, Ellie (we would have celebrated the _second _day if it hadn't been for the VERY irritating THREE DAYS of INISS STEALING MY HOST! But anyhow…), I decided to take her to visit the gym where we high-ranking Vissers, and sometimes even Councilors, train for combat, Dracon Beam drills and other equally important stuff. Except Councilor Eight, of course... He just comes to show off his muscles to anyone who will look, and stare at (and try to impress) Visser One.

But enough about Mr. Incredible Show-Off. I decided it would be a good idea to show Ellie the gym, considering that if she followed in Visser One's footsteps and became the second female Visser, she'd need a good place to train so she could beat Visser One. And make me laugh.

... Actually, even though I am totally AGAINST the idea of females becoming Vissers, I definitely encouraged the idea of Ellie becoming one. It was just for the incredible pleasure of seeing Visser One's face when she found out she was no longer the only female Visser, you know? Heh. That'd be the day.

... And yeeeaaaah... I KNOW _'totally' _is a feminine word. Holy frig, would YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!

So yeah, we got to the gym at about ten in the morning. Just only _slightly _late. As soon as we arrived, we realized that everyone was already doing the regular warm-up: a quick jog around the gym.

_Pfft, _I thought to myself smugly. _Who needs a warm-up when you've got the best host body in the entire Yeerk Empire?_

I revelled in my glory for a few moments, then looked at Ellie to make sure she was still there. She was, of course, but I quickly noticed she seemed a bit lost in her thoughts. Following her gaze I realized she was looking at a guy with a tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed human host.

" Who are you looking at?" I asked, just eavesdropping a _little_.

" Oh, it's Visser Twenty-Five!" Ellie said, slightly staring. " I... I've liked him since like forever."

Not gonna happen. I said simply.

" But why not?" exclaimed Ellie, her dreams shattered. " I mean, I'm pretty, right? So like, why can't he like me?"

I fakely thought that over for a moment.

Because unfortunately, Visser One exists.

I looked at Visser One. She was running beside Councilor Eight (of course). They are SUCH the perfect couple: Mr. and Mrs. Almighty Dapsen.

Visser One was seriously showing herself off. Not that she doesn't _always _show herself off. But today was like the ultimate show-off day...: She was wearing a skin-tight gold tank top that stopped at her lower stomach, and with straps that were maybe a _bit_ more than a millimeter wide. Hey, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt!

But what got the males really staring were her low-rise, one hundred percent spandex black shorts. Mm-hm. You should have seen the poor, whimpering guys. Those unworthy Vissers...

" Visser Three?" asked Ellie, indignated. " I like just asked you a _question_!"

Good for you.

- SMACK!

AAAOOOWW! I yelled at my slapping intern. You VISSER ONE!

" Wow, like, _compliment_!" Ellie yelled, jumping up and down like a female Alloran.

NO, it wasn't a compliment! I said. In case you were wondering, super hottie over there is actually a _big_ --

" Hi Ellie!"

... Oh God.

Ellie tensed up. Her eyes locked with mine, begging me for advice. Of course. She was nothing but a low-rank compared to --

" Visser One!" Councilor Eight called. " Aren't you going to come practice combat with me?"

" In a minute," said Visser One, waving her hand royally at him.

Then, she turned back to face my intern. Great. Yet another bad influence on our poor Ellie. First Iniss, now Visser One! Let's just hope she doesn't turn to the bad side like so many before her...

" Visser One?" asked Ellie. " Wow. Hi!"

" I heard you're trying to become a Visser," Visser One said, suddenly enthusiastic.

" Yeah," said Ellie.

" I was the same way when I was younger. Except I was never exactly an intern..." said Visser One. " But forget about that."

Of COURSE forget about that... Pfft. Right, Visser One. You just don't want to talk about your troubled past on Earth with fricking high-ranking engineer Essam Two-Nine-Three, who was a SUBORDINATE to you, but with whom you STILL went and had TWINS. Human TWINS. You think I don't know?

... Just WAIT until I denounce her to the Council... Heh... Then she'll be Dead Essam's soon-to-be-dead mate! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah GOD, I am EVIL!

... Visser One's a WI-DOW, Visser One's a WI-DOW! Na na na NA NA!

I'm almost sorry Councilor Eight doesn't know about his little mate's little secret... Heh. He'd cry like a little baby if he knew that Visser One still loooooooves Essam... Pfft, lucky for him that Yeerk females get two mates...

ANYWAY. Back to the conversation between Ellie and Visser One the Engineer Lover. I swear she was trying to brainwash MY intern!

... And man, I hope she didn't hear me call her super hottie... WHOA! Heh. Diary. Private... LEAVE!

" So Ellie," Visser One smirked, shifting her gaze to me. " I see you got assigned to this incompetent dapsen here."

( I. Am _NOT _-- ) I started angrily.

" Oh shut up, Visser Three." She waved her hand dismissively. " No one cares."

Beyond my patience, I swung my tail forward and slapped her with the side of the blade. She brought her hand to her face in shock.

Everyone in the gym immediately shut up and stared at us.

" Visser Three!" Ellie exclaimed. " Like, you don't hit a female! Haven't they like taught you proper _conduct_?"

( I -- )

" It's okay Ellie," said Visser One. " Let me handle this."

She walked up, drew back her hand, and slapped me so hard I literally almost fell down. Yes, me, in my strong, stable – ahh, well… not mentally – Andalite host.

And then, if that wasn't enough, she _backhanded _me equally hard! I was speechless from the shock of being, you know, SMACKED repeatedly in the FACE.

" _Never _touch me again you damn dapsen!" she yelled angrily.

" Ouch," commented Councilor Four sympathetically.

" Ha ha, I'm _so _glad I'm not him!" That idiot Visser Four laughed like a dying gerbil.

I gave Visser One a wide-eyed glare.

( _Abuse_! ) I yelled.

" Abuse my ass." Visser One exclaimed stubbornly. " You started it. That hurt, you moron!"

I clutched my face with one hand and threw the other one up to the sky. ( And THIS DIDN'T? )

" Well if it did I'm _glad_!" she yelled.

Councilor Eleven, a sixty-five-year-old grandpa Yeerk with a clean cut brown mustache, walked up to us, looking really pissed. And to think, that's what _I'm _going to be in ten years if I don't clean up my act.

" Okay, _both _of you cheer up, or you're not getting lunch!" he snapped, walking on.

" Councilor Eleven!" Councilor Eight protested, obviously for his beloved Visser One's sake.

" Oh relax Councilor Eight, _you're _getting lunch," said Councilor Eleven almost droningly.

Councilor Eight was about to reply, but then Visser One, who had walked away from me with a glare, grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to the combat matresses. A group of lower-ranked Vissers, and Councilor Seven, all went over to watch this… show.

( What a fricking butt ugly dapsen. ) I muttered to myself.

" Oh, that is _obviously _a huge lie," said Ellie in her ever-so-girly voice. " I mean, I'm _so_ jealous. I like, couldn't make a host that pretty if my like LIFE depended on it! Are you like gay or something?"

( _Noooo_, ) I said a bit impatiently. ( I am not GAY. Just because I am not _drooling _over this female does not mean I'm gay! )

" Well you still don't think she's ugly. It's obvious."

( _WHAT _is obvious? ) I yelled.

" I just told you!" Ellie exclaimed.

I stopped running. Right. This conversation was going WAY too far in the wrong direction for my liking.

( You have a lot to learn, Ellie. ) I said. ( Look, Visser One and I are _worst enemies_. I hate her and she hates me. Are we clear on that? )

" Like, _yes Visser_," Ellie rolled her eyes, very disappointed.

We kept running, side by side, in silence…

… In my dreams.

" Admit it, you think she's pretty," she insisted.

I stopped again. I was getting tired of all this stopping. REALLY tired.

I took a deeeeep breath and tried _not_ to let Alloran's angry intestines implode.

( I think she's beautiful. ) I said quite frankly.

I caught Ellie by the collar of her shirt.

( Now _don't _run off and tell her I said that! ) I exclaimed, pulling her back as she pouted. ( Fact is, I just don't _see _her in that way, she's my worst enemy. I hate her guts. Now will you just forget it? )

" AHHHHHH!" a shrieking cry floated above all the noise in the room, and everyone immediately fell silent.

The next thing I knew, Visser Four was running like a maniac towards the door, a pair of flaming… well, flaming _pants _in his hand. The smoke from the pants escaped towards the ceiling and triggered the water jets.

- TSHHHHHHHHH! TSHHHHHHHH! TSHHHHHHHH!

" Like, my HAIR!" screamed Ellie, clutching at her soaking wet head.

Visser Four still ran, followed shortly by Councilor Eight's older brother, Councilor Two, in his boxers! What the HELL was going on here?

" GIMMEBACKMYPANTS!" Councilor Two yelled uber-quickly.

Visser One whistled jokingly at him. Everyone laughed, except for me, and hey, except for Councilor Eight, who kind of glared protectively at his whistling mate. If it is even POSSIBLE to _glare protectively_.

" Don't even go there." Councilor Eight said. " That's my _brother_."

" Don't you worry," replied Visser One playfully. " I'm all yours. For now at least."

I rolled my eyes, irritated.

( Ellie, why don't you just stay here for a minute while I go chop off both their heads? They are such a nuisance. )

" Like, no way, Visser!" Ellie laughed. " Come on, let's like, lift weights!"

She took a ten-pound disc in her hand and lifted it with ease.

" Oh, come on Ellie, that's pathetic!" Visser One said jokingly, walking back up to us.

I turned to her, apparently angry. ( Look, I do not know what your problem is today, but will you just LEAVE ME ALONE? I'm trying to train my intern! )

" By making her lift TEN POUNDS?" Visser One exclaimed. " I have no idea where they went wrong with you."

Still fuming, I watched as she took the ten-pound disc from Ellie's hand and replacing it with a fifty.

" Uh!" Ellie exclaimed as her arm was roughly pulled down by the weight.

" _That's _the kind of thing you need to learn to lift at first," said Ms The-Human-Jane-Fonda Wannabe.

( I dislike you, ) I said spontaneously.

" I dislike you too." Visser One replied.

I know that, in normal times, Ellie would have had a little "Ellie Comment" to add to that, but at this moment she was far too absorbed in trying to lift the weight Visser One had given her to even _think_ of anything else.

And if all this wasn't _already _bad enough… It only got worse.

The Emperor then arrived, in a human host like nothing I've ever seen.

It was scary. It really was. He was a male human, but yet had long black hair (and I MEAN long), and bluish eyes outlined in black eyeliner.

He was wearing spiky bracelets on each arm, dirty, ragged jeans, nose piercings, lip piercings, other piercings I might not want to mention, and a black, holed t-shirt inscribed "Rise of the Dead".

In fact, the only way we could possibly tell it was the Emperor was that he was wearing his red-and-gold Emperor's insignia.

… Which _completely _clashed with the outfit, may I add (already too much time with Ellie).

Visser One chuckled.

" You _look _like Ozzy Osbourne," the human expert herself said.

The Emperor smiled. " Thanks, that's what I was going for!"

( You _meant _to look like that? ) I enquired.

" Um… Yeah?" the Emperor replied. " Actually, I wanted to infest the _real _Ozzy Osbourne. Thought it would be a funny joke on my part. But I tell you, I spent three seconds in that brain and... oh, the HORROR! I had to turn back. That was too much for even the old Emperor to take!"

Everyone just kind of stared.

" So, as you see, I had to do with this look-alike," he continued. He threw his hands to his sides. " So? What do you think?"

We all still just stared. Strangely enough (not really), the person to break the dead silence was none other than Muscles-Make-Beauty himself, Councilor Eight.

" Hey, Emperor..." Councilor Eight snorted. " Visser Three called, he wants his favorite human morph back!"

" Hey Councilor Eight," I countered. " Visser One called, she wants her huge, ballistic ego back."

" I… I'm _right _here." Visser One said with her eyes shut in annoyance.

" So what!" I yelled, a bit louder than I meant to.

Visser One's eyes widened slightly. She looked at Councilor Eight, then back at me, then back at Councilor Eight, then back at… well, actually, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, at whom she raised a disgusted eyebrow while he observed a large piece of week-old nose mucus from who-knows-where with a portable microscope.

" Soooomebody picks their nose," shot Visser Five (a guy who thinks he's REEAL funny), picking up a few stifled laughs, including Visser One's, who looked at him and probably smiled, since he seemed to melt.

May I now mention that Visser One and Visser Five are like the world's greatest friends? Besides some guy who was killed a few years back -- Tehlit Two-Eight-Six I think? – and her Taxxon of a personal assistant, Visser Five is her best friend. Unless you're counting Councilor Eight. He's not exactly a friend is he? More like a lover.

… That humanified creep of a dapsen who thinks he can just –

Ahem. Never mind. Time to move on with life.

" Councilor Seven, leave Visser One's shorts alone and concentrate on your Dracon beaming!" the Emperor exclaimed, now circling the gym, commenting on everyone's training. " Geez! If you keep getting lost in the clouds, I'm not responsible for the tragic loss of your head!"

Councilor Seven, who had obviously been too busy staring at Visser One's spandex shorts to notice that his opponent was FIRING a DRACON BEAM at his head, snapped out of it and looked back at his opponent. Then, we all heard a sharp scream as he miraculously dodged an oncoming beam of light like two centimeters away from his head. The beam passed right between his legs as he attempted the life-or-death splits. Still, it came just a millimeter away from possible deadly impact to his right leg.

" ... Or other important body parts," the Emperor muttered to himself, walking slowly away.

Well, not exactly away. More like towards us.

" Well, Vissers, let's see it," he said firmly. " What have you practiced today?"

( Oh, we practiced LOADS! ) I lied happily. ( We… we, um… we? )

" We like ran around the gym!" Ellie suggested helpfully.

( Yes. Yes we did, ) I smiled with all my nonexistant teeth. ( And… and _Ellie _lifted ten – euh, no FIFTY pounds. )

" And we… well, _I _had a combat round with Councilor Eight." Visser One added.

The Emperor, to put it mildly, was not very impressed.

" You Vissers have done basically no training since arrival at the gym, have you?" he asked.

( Well… That is… )

" No," Visser One looked down. " But I really did have a combat round with Councilor Eight."

" So, what _have _you done?" the Emperor exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air.

( Um… ) I looked at Visser One.

" … Argued," she said finally.

( Yep, ) I agreed. ( Loads of arguing. )

The Emperor, despite his frowns and disappointment, could not help but chuckle at that. " You have been arguing this entire time? … Do you two even agree on _anything_?"

( No, ) I replied quite honestly.

" In fact, the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree on anything," Visser One added with a slight eyeroll in my direction.

Ellie stared laughing manically. A sound to shatter a thousand windows.

( WHAT is your problem? ) I asked her, bidding the Emperor goodbye and walking away. It was safe to assume we were no longer wanted in this gym today. Visser One left also, but soon after left _us _to go her separate way. A.k.a. the changing rooms.

" You two are like, just so hilarious!" Ellie exclaimed.

( Well, ) I smirked. ( That's what you get for becoming intern of everyone's Most-Hated-Visser. And, coincidentally, a really funny guy! )

She laughed and giggled and laughed and giggled. Oh gee, I hoped she wasn't developing a CRUSH on me! If she did, she was DEAD. I tell you now, DEAD!

" Oh Visser?" Ellie asked as we walked around a corner. " There was something I was meaning to ask you."

( Yes? ) I asked, kind of dreadingly.

" You know…" she hesitated. " I'd really like to know… Does your personal assistant… Well, what does he think of me?"

( He thinks you're really nice, ) I replied. ( But why would you… ) Then it dawned on me. (Oh. Oh no! Ellie, what the hell! )

She just giggled. " He really does?" A huge smile lit up her face. " Like, YAY!"

She skipped and hummed a happy tune down the corridor.

I just stood there, horrified as it is pretty much possible.

ELLIE and INISS? What the freaking HELL! No, no! Never going to happen… Calm down, Visser. Calm down.

Calm down, you freaking moron!

Oh, just wait until Visser One learns about this. She'll be jumping for joy that Iniss can stop paying attention to her. As if he ever would…

But you can't kill hope, right?

I… have to spread this… around the whole Empire! Starting with her!

ELLIE likes INISS! Oh LORDS, the world is coming to an END!

But for now, until my return!

Esplin 9466.

* * *

**Okay, lol, I know that was kind of retarded! But anyway, thanks for reading, and please, PLEASE review:D Come on, it's my birthday! Give me a break:P**


	15. Oatmeal and a Double Date

**A/N:** This chapter is based on a review idea by **Kamikaze**, and therefore the chapter is also dedicated to you. Thank you very much for the great idea, and I hope you enjoy this rendition of your suggestion:D

Side note… Take your time reading this one, guys. Because after this, there are only **five chapters left**!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Visser Three's Diary**

**Chapter 15: Oatmeal and a Double Date**

July 24th

Entry I don't remember.

Dear Diary,

" Iniss! Oh, Iniss! Like, what does he want for Empire Day? Like, what is his like telecom code? What is his like room key code? What like brand of shampoo does he use? Like, VISSER THREE! Are you like LISTENING to me! Uhh! Males!"

Yeaahh… A prime example of what I've had to PUT UP WITH ever since we got back from the GYM yesterday.

Hard to believe, but I'm _really _starting to think Ellie just _may _have feelings for Iniss… If I'm crazy and simply having hallucinations due to overconsommation of nuisant products, tell me now!

But seriously, there's obsessed, then there's Iniss, and then there's ELLIE. I mean, to think I thought _Iniss _was bad with his overly annoying Visser One obsession! Ellie was like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Every single word that came out of her god damn mouth had _something_ to do with Iniss! Iniss this, Iniss that! Iniss's brand of shampoo. Iniss's brand of oatmeal. Iniss's brand of _boxers _for crying out loud! I mean, who wants to even _go_ there with INISS?

Hmm… I think I may have to have a word with her about that…

So yes, since this morning, I was stuck in this room with my intern (help!) yapping my ears off about my personal assistant. Fun life, eh?

But you really didn't expect it to get any better, did you?

No, come on, it's been long enough already. You, Diary, _should _know by now that I have the absolute _worst _luck on the face of any possible planet I happen to venture on.

" Visser Three?"

( _What_, Ellie? ) I asked, desperately trying NOT to sound exasperated.

" Do you… do you think that Iniss would like to go out… on a date… with me?"

I almost choked on the water I was absorbing through my hoof.

( EXCUSE me? ) I exclaimed. ( You want to go on a date with INISS? What are you, a human? )

She shrugged. " Hey, it's a good custom."

I just stared.

( Okay. Ellie, before your poor little heart is broken, I may want to mention that -- )

- BANG BANG BANG!

" VISSER THREE WHERE _IS _MY BOX OF FLAKIES!" I heard Visser One shriek from outside the door.

I leaned over and yelled back at her. ( I took them from you for your own good you dapsen. You had SEVEN FLAKIES yesterday. That's enough now. )

" UUHHH!" she yelled angrily before kicking the door and stomping away.

( Sooomeone is in a good mood today… ) I muttered sarcastically.

" You took Visser One's flakies?" Ellie asked increduously.

( Yes, I did. She'll get fat and grouchy and then Iniss won't be madly in love with her anymore. Which would be a _bad _thing because it _annoys _her, and that _amuses me_. Even I deserve some amusement once in a while. )

Ellie suddenly looked on the verge of tears.

" Iniss is in love with Visser One?" she whispered.

I rolled my eyes. ( Who _isn't _in love with Visser One? )

" YOU! Like, hello!" yelled Ellie, waving a frustrated hand in front of my frustrated face.

( Look, Ellie -- ) I started.

" _Visser One _this, _Visser One _that!" She was starting to get angry. " Tell me, what's so damn SPECIAL about Visser One!"

I raised an eyebrow at her. Was Ellie an airhead, or had I just been drinking too much egg nog?

( Okay, _number one_, Visser One is, well, VISSER ONE. ) I said, it was just so obvious.

" What does that matter?"

I sighed. ( Don't you understand _anything_? She is the ONLY high-ranking female Yeerk in the Empire. You have to expect most males to want her for that. )

" That is like, _so _dishonest." Ellie pouted.

( But it's the truth. ) I said. ( And what does not help you out is that, as you may have _noticed_, she is also very attractive. You also have to expect most males, and especially _Iniss, _to want her for that. )

She bit her lip. Wow, did she really, I mean _really_… like Iniss? Whoa. There's one for the records.

" I really, _really _like Iniss…" she moaned.

Well… what did I tell you?

- Ding dong.

" Esplin open the door. _Now_." Now would you look at that. The evil witch had come to torment me once again.

I got up, rolling my eyes, and walked towards the evil door of ultimate doom.

( Ellie? ) I said in private thought-speak. ( Don't pounce on her okay? )

I looked back and noticed that my intern was positively furious. Jealousy lit up her eyes and… there was a piece of spaghetti in her hair. Good thing she hadn't noticed, or else Girly-Almighty would have started screaming her guts out, which wouldn't have helped out the situation, considering the windows in this room aren't exactly at their most stable.

( Wait… What am I saying? ) I exclaimed. ( Go right ahead! Pounce on her, it would make my day! )

I walked up and opened the door. An unusually stunning Visser One (because you know, that's really going to HELP my Ellie situation), her long, straight jet black hair swept high up in a fancy ponytail and her big black eyes seeming even larger due to quick application of a simple eyeliner, walked gracefully into the room and wandered wordlessly into the kitchen.

( Where are you going? ) I demanded.

" To get my flakies." she said simply.

( No! No, I said _no_! ) I yelled, grabbing her arm with my weak Andalite hand as Ellie stood there, in front of the couch, petrified in anger and jealousy toward my worst enemy, who was trying to STEAL her flakies from me!

" They're MY flakies, you dapsen!"

( Not anymore! ) I yelled, pulling with all my might with my weak Andalite arms.

" You dapsen, let me GO!"

( Why should I? ) I asked, raising my voice – as if it wasn't raised enough already.

Ellie glared me down. Lords, well if this was going to completely ruin her internment – I mean intern_ship_, I'd get her a freaking date!

I let go of Visser One. ( Go ahead, take your damn flakies. See if I care. )

And then, I turned around and walked out the door. Where was I going, you ask? Why, to Iniss's room, of course!

---

- Toc toc.

Because stupid Iniss can't afford a doorbell.

I heard frantic running, and for a moment I seriously thought I was to be attacked by a stampede. But then the door swung open and I found myself facing Iniss, his hair all wet and wearing nothing but a bath towel and a yellow ducky cap.

And this was all perfectly normal to me!

" VISSER!" Iniss exclaimed with a huge smile. " GREAT to see you. I got this new Visser One poster, you just _have _to --"

( Iniss, you _really _need to stop talking about Visser One every two seconds. ) I said sincerely.

He immediately shut up.

( Thank you! ) I said not-so-sincerely. ( Now, _we _need to talk about someone else. NOT Visser One. )

" Who?" Iniss enquired.

( Well… Ellie. )

" Ellie?" he was confused.

( Yes… ) I continued. ( Turns out she, well, _likes _you. ) I shuddered once again at the thought of someone or some_thing _liking Iniss.

" She LIKES me?" he exclaimed. " As in _likes_?"

( That's exactly what I said, ) I said, rolling my eyes. ( And now she wants to go on a date with you. )

" A date? With ME?" Iniss pointed frantically at himself in disbelief. " As in a real date?"

( That's _exactly _what I said. ) More "eyerolling" (Visser One's word, not mine).

The look on Iniss's face would have been absolutely priceless, any OTHER time. Now it was just annoying.

After a few more decades of silence, I frowned and finally asked:

( Sooo… Will you go with her, or not? )

Iniss looked at me in panic. " Are you kidding me? I mean, Ellie's pretty, and nice, but she is going to LIKE my ears off!"

( She will not LIKE your ears off, you fool. ) I countered. ( I'll just tell her you don't like it when she says that constantly. I mean, it'll do pretty much _everyone _a service. )

Iniss swept a hand through his hair. He looked like freaking Visser One.

" But doesn't she know that I'm in love with someone else?" he asked.

( LORDS, Iniss. ) I exclaimed. ( _You _are a perfect example of a Yeerk who is never, EVER going to get a mate. Do you know WHY? )

" … Why?" he asked. Doesn't take much does it?

I grabbed his shoulders and shook him roughly. ( Because you are _wasting _your life away on Visser One! Can you not see she doesn't love you back? I hate to pity Visser One, but for the LORDS' SAKES will all you people just LEAVE the big dapsen ALONE? )

He looked at me and blinked twice. " But I _love _her."

( I know Iniss, but there are about seven COUNCILORS who love her too. Do you _really _think you stand even the decimal of a chance? She's personally told me she'll only go for Councilors and Vissers. You are _neither. _Ellie likes you, she actually LIKES you, and you're just going to throw it away on a nonexistant hope? You sicken me. )

Iniss's eyes watered. " I won't go if Visser One isn't there," he said stubbornly.

( RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! ) I yelled.

I have no clue why, but now that Iniss was DISAGREEING with me about the date with Ellie, something was driving me to go to any lengths to make it happen. Just to have the last word with my own personal assistant and prove myself to… hey, myself! But whatever the reason, this date just HAD to happen.

I spun around and yelled back at Iniss, ( Don't. Even. Move. )

Iniss just stood there as I galloped madly back down the hall to Visser One's room. I knocked like a maniac.

- Toc toc toc BANG BANG BANG!

Because I _forgot _Visser One had a doorbell. So I decided to have a nice game of bloody knuckles with her lumberjack of a steel door.

The door slid open.

" WHAT do you WANT?" she exclaimed, half of a flakie in her mouth.

I shook my head. ( You are a disgrace, ) I said quite solemnly.

Without an invitation, I literally barged into the room.

"HURR!" Translation: "Hey!", with mouth full.

I spun around and faced Visser One the Flakie Queen. ( Okay, I KNOW this is going to sound _really weird_, but… will you go on a DATE with me? )

" HACK!" Visser One… well, hacked.

She choked on her flakie and started coughing until her face turned blue. I stepped over and hit her back until she coughed it up and gasped for breath.

( I said date, not _die_. )

" A _date_?" she exclaimed. " Are you crazy, Visser Three? … NO!"

( Look, it isn't at ALL what you think! ) I yelled.

" Oh I'll bet," she said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow and, understandably, taking a few steps away from me.

I mean, if Visser One had spontaneously asked _me _on a date, I would probably have taken a few steps away from her too, for fear of contracting some horrible mind-altering disease!

… Yes, we really do hate each other THAT MUCH. You didn't believe me, what?

( It isn't! It really isn't! ) I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in plea.

" Then _what is it_?" she asked, imitating me. Except not in plea.

I rolled my eyes. ( Here's the thing: Ellie likes Iniss, and -- )

" She LIKES Iniss? As in LIKES?" Visser One exclaimed, astounded.

( That's exactly what I said, ) I said again. ( So anyway, now she wants to go on a _date _with him -- )

" On a _date_?" Visser One squeaked. " With INISS?"

( That's _exactly _what I said. ) Gee, was this deja-vu or what? ( … And would you STOP interrupting me? )

" Sorry."

( But he REFUSES to go with her unless _you_, Miss Yeerk Homeworld, are there. )

" That idiot. Doesn't he realize he has _no _chance with me?" Visser One "eyerolled".

I threw my hands in the air in exasperation. ( That's EXACTLY what I said! )

" So, you are asking me to date you… why?" This person just has no clue.

( You just have _no _clue. ) I said. ( I won't have Iniss _disobeying _me! I want the last word with him at all times! So if you and I… go on a _double date _with Ellie and Iniss… It could all work out. And I WIN. )

" Oh, so this is just all about your ego?" she frowned. " Forget it!"

( No! Visser One, no! ) I yelled as she turned around and walked away.

She spun back around, with THE most sickened look I've ever seen.

( We'll go see a human motion picture. ) I negotiated. ( I'll… I'll buy you a box of flakies! And you can have them ALL! )

Visser One thought that over. " … Make that a box of flakies and three chocolate bars – the ones I LIKE – and I'll do it."

( THANK YOU! ) I yelled in gratitude.

" You _better _thank me," she said. She smirked. " And of course, you'll owe me."

( Owe you _what_! ) I exclaimed in horror.

She rolled her eyes and looked at me in shock. " Visser Three! God, NO! I meant MONEY."

( Money? ) I echoed.

" Yes. Money. Five hundred Yeerk coins. Cough it up." She held out her hand.

I just stared. ( Five HUNDRED? I only HAVE nine hundred and ten Yeerk coins LEFT! )

" And soon you'll have four hundred and ten left. Cough it up!"

I practically fainted in the unfairness of it all. ( What, you charge for DATES now? )

" Why not? I can make a fortune." Well, at least she doesn't annoyingly deny the obvious. " I'm being generous. It's usually seven hundred, but I know you're poor."

( Thaaaaanks… ) I said bitterly.

She smirked.

( Okay, tell you what. ) I said. ( We'll see how it goes, and if you're… satisfactory… I'll pay you your money. Okay? )

" Fine," she gave in angrily. " But you still have to buy me the flakies!"

( Yes. )

" _And _chocolate bars!" she raised her finger threateningly.

( _Yes_, Visser One. )

" Okay." She gave a neutral expression. " When's the date?"

( I don't know. Tomorrow? )

" Pick me up, or else I won't go."

( Fine. Bye. )

" Bye."

---

Strangely enough (but as I suspected), Iniss accepted with open arms!

In fact, he wouldn't stop talking about it for the rest of the afternoon (thaaanks, Visser One…)! I didn't mind at first, but by the end of the night it started to get REALLY. ANNOYING.

" Oh my LORDS Visser!" he beamed. " You actually got Visser One to come on a date with me?"

( … You could say that, ) I did not lie, I simply… _omitted _certain truths.

He smiled extravagantly. " Oh, thank you, thank you! It's everything I have ever dreamed of!"

He made a small, and quite frankly awfully feminine, little twirl to fall onto his bed.

" Oh Visser, Visser, HOW can I repay you?" he asked.

I thought that over for a moment. Then I smirked. ( Five hundred Yeerk coins? )

" Done!" he smiled.

( … You _actually have _five hundred Yeerk coins? ) I asked, dumbfounded.

" I've been saving my money for ages to bribe Visser One into going out with me. But NOW, thanks to you, I don't need to!"

Suddenly, he got up, ran over and hugged me.

( Iniss, GET OFF! ) I exclaimed.

" Thank you thank you thank you!" he cried.

( I _know _you're thankful. But a MALE does not HUG another male! It is simply wrong! … LET GO! )

He let go.

( Thank you. )

He simply smiled at that. " Soooo… When's the date?"

( Tomorrow at three. But don't forget, you have to bring Ellie along too. )

" Of course!"

( Okay. Just making sure. Now, if you'll be so kind as to excuse me, I have to go to _bed _now. We have a big day tomorrow. )

He beamed again, and, sick and tired of all his beaming, I got out and slammed the door in his face.

I walked exasperatedly down the hall (again) to my room. Once I arrived, I slammed in the key code and marched inside, only to be confronted by a very hyper, pigtailed Ellie.

" Like, Visser?" she asked, smiling her face off like an Andalite bandit who has just discovered cheese-covered biscuits. " Like, what did he say?"

( He said yes, ) There I went again in my "omitting of certain truths".

Ellie literally LEAPED into the air like a Taxxon chasing some injured flying creature, and crashed onto me.

" THANK YOU VISSER! LIKE, YOU'RE THE _BEST_!" she screeched euphorically. It was nice knowing you, windows.

( Ellie, no offence, ) I said exhaustedly. ( But please. _Please _shut up. )

" Like, UGH!" Ellie said, offended despite my warning.

( I'm going to bed. )

" Fine!" she said angrily. Then her tone softened and she smiled. " … Like, good night Visser!"

( Yeah. I _better _have a good night. )

I didn't even look back to see her face after that one… It wasn't worth it. I could picture the tusks already.

I galloped into my room and crashed onto my bed. I spent like _five hours _TRYING to fall asleep, but my ugly shitty green pillow just would NOT allow me to get comfortable. Eventually I just threw the pillow onto the floor and lay on my bed without it (which helped, surprisingly). Why does Visser One get all the comfortable pillows? Sure, they're fluffy and pink and give me nightmares, but oh how comfortable!

I tossed and turned like a lunatic for a few more minutes, then, eventually, I got settled in.

( I hate dates, ) I muttered before finally dozing off.

Sleep, wonderful sleep… But, unfortunately, sleep only quickens the inevitable. And especially the dreaded.

And so I heard, what seemed like fifteen minutes later, my INFERNAL singing alarm clock going through its normal routine of waking me up out of my otherwise beautiful slumber.

- BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT! Please wake up and start your day! BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT! Please wake up and start your –

- BAM! I slammed my weak Andalite fist down on the freaking dapsen of an awaking mechanism.

( Right, so _this _thing is getting aboard the next Earth-shipping ship… ) I muttered sleepily to myself as I walked out of my bedroom.

I found Ellie sitting nervously on the couch. She was biting her fingernails in a very girly fashion.

( What are you doing here this early? ) I demanded, still half-asleep.

Ellie looked at me objectively. " Like, it's _one o'clock_!" she exclaimed. " And I like LIVE here!"

One o'clock? Hmm… Two hours before the – TWO HOURS BEFORE THE DATE!

( Are you ready for the DATE? ) I yelled in a panic.

" The – THE DATE?" Ellie yelled, for once NOT saying 'like'. " When is it?"

( It's today! )

" WHAT?"

( At THREE! )

" _WHAT_?" she gasped angrily. " Like, Visser Three! That's in freaking TWO HOURS!"

( Yep. And we still have to _get _there. ) I said. ( So _stop _complaining and get ready! )

Ellie didn't even answer. She grabbed her shoulder-length red hair and tried to blindly fashion it as she sprinted to the bathroom like there was no tomorrow.

I just stood there. I would obviously be in human morph for the date, which meant I could not get _ready _yet because I would need to _demorph_, and then when I remorphed all my getting-ready efforts would be completely gone to fluffy pink hell.

Out of ideas, I sat down on the couch and waited for Ellie to be finished (In other words, I'd be here for a while…). I wondered… I know it sounds stupid, but I wondered if Visser One was getting ready for the date too. I mean, it would be completely unlike her to get herself perfectly made-up and dressed for a date with ME. Then again, Visser One is _always _perfectly made-up and dressed, so I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference either way.

I tried to stop wondering, and more importantly stop _thinking _about _Visser One_. I mean, "thinking" and "Visser One" really do not belong in the same sentence, in any order!

… God Visser One is annoying. She really needs to find herself a life. And with the money she's got, she could probably buy herself one! (As a last resort, of course…) I mean, she probably BOUGHT her mate anyway, so what gives! Actually, knowing Visser One, I bet her mate bought her. Now let's hope she never finds this unless you want to get split clear down the midsection.

What seemed like two freaking hours later, Ellie FINALLY came out of the bathroom… not looking much different than when she started out.

" So?" she beamed. " Like, how do I look?"

I hesitated. ( Uh… _much _different than when you started out. )

She smiled at me. " You really think so?"

( Ye -- )

" THANK YOU VISSER!" she hugged me and calmly walked out the door.

I stood up and walked out behind her _without _getting a girly pinkish purse across the head.

And you people say it's _so_ important to be honest. Honest my furry blue Andalite butt.

We walked out of the room and into the hallway. When I looked at Ellie's watch (she was way too lazy to do it herself) and realized it was ONE FIFTY-EIGHT, I got her to run over and pick up Iniss while I got Visser One. Hopefully Visser One would decide to _not _keep me waiting an eternity like every other time I unfortunately must go somewhere with her.

Don't worry Diary, I had the bait. I'm not _that _idiotic.

I knocked on the door. ( Visser One, it's time to go. )

I heard a soft jabbing sound.

" Wait – wait a second!" she exclaimed.

( Yeah right, Visser One! ) I said temptingly. ( I have a _flaaakiiiiieee_. )

I waved the flakie in front of the door. As if that would have even the tiniest effect.

She snorted from the other side of the door. " You _really _think you can lure me with food? You insult me."

( … It's a living? ) I suggested.

She let out an incredibly sarcastic "Ha", but then I saw the door slowly slide open. She stood with her back against the left side wall of her small entryway. Her long bangs were combed back into a flat pin on top of her head, leaving her forehead exposed and making her lined black eyes seem unnaturally large. The rest of her hair was down with only the slightest waves, made up to look perfectly natural. She was wearing a gorgeous pearl necklace that hung more than low enough for Iniss (wait, did I really just write that? … Just forget it, Diary).

I guess she noticed I was, ah, staring. As in Understatement-of-the-Year staring. Wow, she really does have a brain.

" What are you looking at, you dapsen?"

( Could you at least TRY to be ugly! ) I yelled in frustration.

She just looked at me and blinked twice.

" Why would I do that to a natural benefit?"

( YOU are a DAPSEN. ) I said quite frankly. ( And a big, fat, flakie-eating one at that. )

" I know that already," she rolled her eyes. " You've only told me, oh, a trillion times."

I rolled my eyes as well. Then, at that moment, Ellie and Iniss came running back up to us. Ellie had the hugest smile on her face. Iniss did too when he saw Visser One!

" Are we, like, ready?" Three guesses who that was, and the first two don't count.

" Yes," Visser One replied, glancing doubtfully at me.

( Same, ) I said as well.

And Iniss, in all his In-Awe-of-Visser-Oneness, just basically didn't say anything.

We went to the ship dock and got into a high-class Bug fighter. Since we were already in relatively close orbit to Earth, it would be easy to get there in time. It was two twenty when we left the Empire ship for Earth, and only ten minutes later we started to descend into the planet's atmosphere.

" Right, so we have exactly thirty minutes to get down there and find a theater," Visser One said. " Assuming everyone's fine with an afternoon movie."

( Great… ) I said. It could always be worse.

---

Finding a theater wasn't as hard as I'd expected. Turns out that, in America, people enjoy movies. So there were pretty much theaters EVERYWHERE.

We chose a moderately big theater called "Empire Theatres". I completely freaked because I thought it meant the Yeerk Empire and that the humans had found us. But Visser One assured me that I was simply stupid and that the humans had absolutely no clue of our existence (except the ones we'd infested already, hah hah so funny).

We bought tickets to a movie called "Mouse Hunt". It was about two humans who had a big establishment worth a lot of money, but which had one flaw: a super-intelligent rodent was invading the home, and no matter how many times the humans tried to rid themselves of it, it always more or less vanquished the stupid men.

I mean, being won over by a mouse? How pitiful can you get?

We sat together in a row toward the middle of the large array of seats. From right to left there was Ellie, Iniss, then Visser One, and finally me (having morphed to human of course). Visser One commented that I looked "awfully cute" sitting there in a theater in my freaking morphing suit. I think the awfully cute part was sarcastic. Or at least I hope it was.

We watched about as many previews as there were insects on this planet, and then, finally, the movie started.

" Please be curteous, and deposit refuse in the waste bin." The movie screen suddenly spoke up. " Thank you and enjoy your movie!"

" Deposit refuse in the waste bin my ass!" Visser One exclaimed, tearing open her first flakie from the box I had been forced to buy her.

That Yeerk seriously needs help… Good thing Overeaters Anonymous Yeerk groups exist.

The movie started with Visser One chewing on her flakie. It was a grim setting, of an Earth funeral. Men carried a big black coffin down some stairs in the pouring rain... Then, suddenly, there went the coffin, flying down the steps and right into an open sewer!

" Hmm…" Visser One said. " Good idea. Might do that for you when you finally DIE."

( Why thank you, Miss Yeerk Homeworld, ) I said _very _bitterly.

The movie continued. It was actually very funny, especially the part where Ernie was flying down the snowbanks in a newly-bought Jacuzzi tub. It reminded me vaguely of the time where my Andalite toilet had gotten detached, with me still on it, and went flying through the – alright, why don't I just be nice and spare you the gruesome details?

" I like, like this movie," Ellie said, typically with one "like" too many.

" Me too," Iniss agreed stupidly. " Hehe, it's FUNNY."

" Yeah," Visser One agreed. " Especially when Ernie was flying down the snowbanks in the Jacuzzi tub." She laughed. " It reminded me --"

" – Of the time when my Andalite toilet got detached and went flying through the whole Empire building?" I asked jokingly, a bit surprised that Visser One had been thinking of the same thing I had.

Visser One too, looked shocked. " And even down the stairs," she added.

" And even down the stairs." I repeated, laughing.

She laughed too and looked at me. Our gaze met for a moment before turning away, as always.

The movie ended strangely enough… The mouse, whom the two humans despised to the point of killing, did not end up dead… no, on the contrary! He ended up as the cheese-taster at the Schmutz Cheese factory. How weird is that?

" Right…" I said as the credits rolled and we walked again toward the exit.

" Like, double right," Ellie agreed.

" A mouse working in a cheese factory?" I pondered. " Sometimes I wonder who makes these human movies."

" Uhhh… _huuumans_?" Visser One, in her "DUH" tone.

" Yeah, I _figured _that much," I snapped.

We reached the doors and stepped outside into the warm summer air.

" Like, that was the best date ever!" Ellie exclaimed.

Iniss was about to say something, but I looked at him and threateningly slid my finger across my throat. It's safe to say he shut up for a while.

I tried to get both Ellie and Iniss to say as less as possible the whole way back to the Empire ship. Which worked okay, except for a few close calls, like Ellie's twenty-one questions to Iniss about what he had thought of the date. I always had to distract them both with comments like "Look Iniss, a spot of cheese!" or "Look Ellie… something pink and shiny!"

It worked like a charm. Kudos to me, the brilliant mastermind behind the invasion of the brainless humans.

Visser One and I avoided each other's eyes and did not talk to each other at all ever since the jacuzzi incident. We had looked at each other much too long for comfort, and I think we were both awfully embarrassed about it.

I parked the Bug fighter (as in almost _crashed _the Bug fighter) and the four of us stepped out and went our separate ways.

" Goodbye Iniss," Ellie said, kissing him on the cheek. " Thank you for the like WONDERFUL date!"

She ran away, just in time, before Iniss could annoyingly yell out that it wasn't a date and ruin the entire plan.

I smiled smugly. I am such a genius.

Then I walked off to my room, leaving Iniss and Visser One there alone. I give Visser One, say… two seconds to run away screaming like the chickens.

Once inside my beautiful, WONDERFUL room (sorry for the very Ellie-ish use of the word), I quickly demorphed and got a nice, hot bowl of maple and ginger instant oatmeal brewing on the voice-automated stove ( … what?). But only about two seconds later, maybe a bit more, I heard a gentle knock on my door.

What did I tell you.

I walked slowly over to open the door. As I suspected, Visser One was standing there, looking just as pissed-off as usual.

( What is it that you want _now_? ) I asked exasperatedly.

She rolled her eyes. " My five hundred Yeerk coins! Hand them over!"

I sighed and walked to the entry table where rested the five hundred Yeerk coins Iniss had given me. I picked up the bill and, rolling all four of my eyes, I unwillingly handed it to her…

And as the last second, grinned and pulled it back.

( No way, Visser One. ) I said.

" What the hell!" she yelled angrily. " Give it!"

( Uh-uh, ) I shook my head. ( You told me to give it to you if you were _satisfactory_. Which you weren't. )

" Of course I was satisfactory!" she screamed in outrage. " How dare you? Why and how was I not satisfactory?"

I simply let out a laugh. " You never are, Visser. You never are."

She sighed angrily, and without a word stomped out into the hall and slammed the door in my face. I heard her frustrated footsteps stop at her door and push in the code.

But then, listening carefully, I heard her laugh softly.

" That stupid Andalite lover," she muttered to herself as her door slid closed behind her.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**Well, okay, that was not the best… But then again, not every chapter can be the best (it's hard to beat Host Swap in my opinion, lol). There's chapter fifteen for ya, hope you enjoyed!**

**By the way, I don't own the movie Mouse Hunt. Great movie, and I forget who made it, but it isn't mine:P I shall see you all very soon (hint)!**


	16. INISS's Diary!

Dedicated to **Aizxana **for proof reading this chapter. It's always good to have a first opinion:P

Also, to **Ember Nickel**, for being one of the funniest people I've ever met (well, kinda "met"). You make my day with those hilarious things you say, lol! That rhymes, like blu and yu:P:P

And last, but NOT least… DOyou guys REALIZE that there are now, officially, **4 chapters **until the **END **of this fic:D Nice!

**Visser Three's Diary  
**by Sinister Shadow

**14+**

**Chapter 14: INISS's Diary!**

July 26th

Entry fourteen.

Dear Diary,

Today was the day of ultimate doom. What happened now, you ask? Well...

It all started when Iniss got suddenly sick and had to go to the medical clinic down the hall. We, of course, were still on Visser One's Empire ship. In a few days, when all the Visser-Council reunions were over, we could finally LEAVE this horrible, cursed place and go back to my beloved Blade ship! But, of course, a few days is a few days, and with _we _being Iniss, Ellie and I, those few days ought to be _preeeeetty_ long...

Well, Ellie isn't that bad, really. At least she doesn't have an anger problem twenty-four/seven like Visser One... But, along with Iniss, she too was absent right now. See, she was being brought on a guided tour of the Empire ship by Visser One and Councilor Eight.

Ellie likes Visser One. She's her idol (Grr). And, of course, when Visser One found out that MY intern idolized her... well, the rest is pretty much self-evident.

... But _I mean_... Geesh. You can't expect a perfectly sane person such as myself to believe that Visser One had _no clue _people idolized her. I mean, COME ON. Miniature as it is, I know you've got a brain in there _somewhere_, Visser One.

But anyway, those were the facts: Ellie was gone having the time of her life, Iniss was out "sick" (notice quotation!) for possibly the whole entire day, and _I _was all alone! My own P.A…. My OWN P.A. and even my INTERN ditched me. What is wrong with them? Especially since I am so incredibly nice to them both! But I guess that didn't matter anymore… Now, I had to find something _else_ to do to occupy myself now that all three of my little temporary occupations – Iniss, Ellie and Visser One -- were gone doing their own thing.

What oh WHAT could I possibly do? Well… there were, in fact an entire list of possibilities!

I could… a) Go use the Andalite Porta-John for up to an hour (at least it would get freaking Alloran to stop nagging about last night's Iniss's Specialty Pudding…), b) Create yet another extensive plan to hopefully spy on Visser One and Councilor Eight sometime soon… Maybe tonight… Heh… c) Practice my EVIL LAUGH (!), d) Make plans to blow up Iniss's room… See? LOADS of possibilities!

But the thing is… Right then, I was way too bored to get up and do something! So I was just kind of hanging around, standing on the floor with my Andalite body and listening to Alloran make sounds that greatly resembled those of a constipated wiener dog… When I noticed my CHOCOLATE BAR was gone! I left it RIGHT THERE on the floating sofa table (that's what I call it, even though an Andalite owning a sofa is a virtually inconceivable idea…)! But, as my annoyed Andalite eyes just _happened _to pass upon the sofa table… I realized it was, well enough, NO LONGER THERE! I almost took a fit right then and there. Instead, I just sort of ran around the room screaming my brain out and threw a dead fish at the ship window. Just thank the lords I didn't take a fit.

Muttering to myself about the tragic loss of my beautiful chocolate bar, I decided, _Well, hey, Iniss must have it! He steals my stuff ALL the time… Including… _I muttered some more, _my state of the art, brand new Visser One dart poster, WHICH, may I precise, cost me ONE-HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE YEERK COINS!_

At the absolute _end _of my freaking patience, I stormed out of my room, heading towards Iniss's. He'd better hope he wasn't back from the medical clinic yet, because I _swear _if I had to see him right now, his head would be impaled upon a stick before he even knew what hit him.

As I walked along, very dramatically (hey, whichever chance you get to make a scene, do it), I thought many things... If MY CHOCOLATE BAR was in that room, _then _I'd take a fit! … After I finished eating the bar, of course. And hey, if I found any _more _chocolate bars… well, let's just say Iniss got what was coming to him. And for this week only, there's a bonus: He'd get a significant deduction from his pay as well!

Heh… More money for me.

I reached Iniss's room and jabbed angrily at the keypad for a few seconds. Oh, and by the way! For anyone who may wish to know, Iniss's keypad code is 9-2-8-5-2. I REPEAT! NINE-TWO-EIGHT-FIVE-TWO! Thank you for allowing me to completely blow up Iniss's privacy. We'll see you next week, males _and _females, when we'll reveal the brand of shampoo Visser One uses.

… It's Joico. I should know. I stole it.

Anyhow, once I pushed in all five of those numbers (COUGH!92852!COUGH!), the door rapidly slid open and I ventured inside, in quest of my beloved chocolate bar.

… But I did not see the damn bar! In fact, even once I was done completely demolishing Iniss's room, there was still not a frickin' TRACE of it! Appalled, I went over to Iniss's bed, which is like the biggest piece of furniture he has in this incredible cubby hole he calls his room. The whole room kind of just looks like a square with four walls, one floor, and one ceiling. I would tell you what color the walls were at the time… but I couldn't make it out thanks to all the fricking Visser One posters he has piled up on every square inch of the room (talk about obsessed…)! In fact, the only place there weren't any posters was on a small door on the wall to the right of the bed, which undoubtedly led to the bathroom. Maybe there are posters inside. I wouldn't know… Shudder… It's a place where no Yeerk has gone before…

But anyway.

I stood beside the bed, since no Andalite has ever hoped of sitting down, and if I even _tried _to lay down right now, Alloran's intestines just may fail completely and I'd shit myself. And trust me, if Iniss found _that_ lying on his bed when he returned… he'd know there was only one explanation.

I felt the bed with my hands, calculating. Knowing Iniss, he would have _hidden _the bar in a place where I could never hope to find it! And that's when it dawned on me. It wasn't in the covers. It wasn't in the _rest _of the demolished room either!

It was…

( UNDER THE _PILLOW_! ) I shrieked.

I practically leapt onto the bed, causing Alloran's knees to buckle, and I dug my hands under the pillow. Then, to my utter pleasure… Yes! My hands closed on something hard… I pulled it out with my hands, and…

( A _book_! ) I exclaimed, looking down at the little, thick blue-covered booklet I now held in my hands. ( It's just a freaking little blue BOOK!)

Disgusted, I threw the book down to the ground, where it splayed open, falling to the first page. As soon as I had done that, I resumed my fullest attention to the pillow. I dug my hands under… and… nothing. Frickin' NOTHING! All Iniss had hidden under there was that damned little book! Was was so important about a BOOK! Now, a _chocolate bar_, I can see… But a book!

I looked down with disdain at the little book, as if it was entirely its fault that I had lost my chocolate bar.

And it was right then that I realized…

THAT WAS _INISS'S HANDWRITING_!

I jumped off the bed in an instant, wondering… What the hell could Iniss _possibly _have written in that little book? Something about me? About Visser One? … No doubt about Visser One… But maybe me as well! It was definitely worth a check. I mean, you never know! He could have written something deeply traitorous in there! … I gloated interiorly… Yay.

And with that goal in mind – proving that Iniss was a huge traitor – I bent down low on my rickety Andalite legs and read:

_Hello, my name is Iniss Two-Two-Six, and THIS… is my diary. Visser Three, my master, has a diary too. I thought it was a cool trend or something so I started one… But you must not look in here. Because it's PRIVATE. And… ARE YOU VISSER ONE! If so… I wanted you to know that I really really really want to mate with you… but I'm afraid to ask because I think you think I'm too much of a dweeb… Oh, the sad reality… But if you are Visser One, please, PLEASE don't read this… AND IF YOU'RE ANYONE ELSE, GET YOUR OVERSIZED NOSE OUT OF HERE! HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI! _

_Kindly, Iniss Two-Two-Six._

I put down the book, way too shocked and confused even to be raging mad. ( INISS'S DIARY! ) I screamed in private thought-speech. Already the psycho music was playing in my head. … Heh. The psycho music. What a wonderful human invention. I have it on my – Ahem. No matter. The only thing that really mattered around here was that I had found Iniss's DIARY! Yeah, I know! Iniss has a DIARY! … Okay, Visser, calm down. Hee-hou. I had to find out more. Iniss was bound to have written something treasonous in here about me! … Oh no… He better not have written about the time he came to my room and found a pair of underwear in the software shredder! Heh heh… Did I say that out loud? Woops… Ahem. Long story. We – I mean! I was bored, okay! Change of subject. In any which case, I just had to know more. So after shooting a quick glance all around to make sure the room was still locked and unoccupied, I shifted my gaze once again to the screwed-up handwriting which belonged to my P.A. …

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, it was Visser Three's birthday. I wanted him to reward me, so I did something special... I downloaded this super-awesome human song! Unfortunately, I was on chocoIate when I sang it, so it sounded sort of off-key... And Visser Three just _hated _it! ... But I knew, deep in my heart, that he really did like it, and he just didn't want to say so because Visser One was there. Even though the Visser says he hates Visser One, I KNOW he's actually madly in love with her. Even though he says human customs are dumb. I just know it... I mean, how can you _not _be madly in love with Visser One? What's up with that! Nice try, Visser Three._

_Iniss 226_

_P.S.: Visser Three got a rotten steak from the Andalite bandits for his birthday. I knew they'd make great friends... But instead of letting Visser Three fatten up, I used the steak to tease Visser One's vegetarian Taxxon P.A. He's not _ever _gonna want to see me again! _

I just kind of stared at the little blue booklet for a moment, before wondering if I just _may _expel my latest portion of Anda-grass.

... Oh, so that's where the steak went. Only comment. Except... WHAT THE FRIG, INISS!

Me? In love with Visser One! Ha ha. NO. Never gonna happen.

Smiling at this insinuous thought, I quickly flipped to the next page, filled to the rims with even MORE of Iniss's succeeded-idiot handwriting. Taking a deep breath, already resenting the things I might find, I read on:

_Dear Diary,_

_Oh, I wish Visser Three would mate with Visser One! I've tried to get him to do it a THOUSAND TIMES, but it just never works!_

_I want this for very selfish reasons, of course... You know me! ... See, if Visser Three mated with Visser One, I'd be able to stare at her all day long... Hee... I'd be her P.A.-in-law! I'd be able to obey _her _instead of Visser Three! ... Well, I'd probably still have to obey Visser Three, but anyway... I'd be able to give her advice, do all her paperwork, read her diary (!), watch her sleep... If she even gets to sleep, knowing Visser Three... Geez, I hope he never finds this!_

_Iniss 226_

( WHAT THE HELL! ) I exclaimed.

That! I knew _exactly _what THAT was! That was the act of INISS conspiring against me before the HCF! That's how the freaking HCF had HAPPENED!

( Iniss is going to die. ) I glowered down at Iniss's diary, revelling in the fact that _I _write _much _more succeeded diary entries than he does…

Well what? _I _have NATURAL TALENT! The only natural talent Iniss has around here is that he has set a record for the largest amount of brain dysfunction ever seen in a Yeerk these days!

… ARGH… Must. Contain. Intestine. Failure. Brought on. By host. … OOOKAY! There we go! There was NO WAY I would _ever _let this chance pass – finding something treasonous written here by Iniss --, even if I shit myself right here on the floor of Iniss's bedroom, in the middle of a thousand and one Visser One posters. NOT. A. _CHANCE_!

My mind lingered to those posters for a moment… There were, of course, the random everyday posters (Iniss possessed every single existing one of those… Well, people, at _least _he's got a hobby…), the smiling ones (Visser One only agreed to pose for three of those… Figures.), the laying-down ones (I swear I caught Mr. Loud-And-Nasal with one of those in particular! … Shudder… Now, we all know I _hate _to feel sorry for Visser One, _but_…)… everything. But the one poster that caught my eye in particular, was… well…

( What the HELL! ) I exclaimed, turning quickly away from the cursed poster. ( _Iniss_! )

Then, more silently, I added to myself…

( I thought for _sure _those were sold exclusively! )

I tried REAL HARD not to look back in that direction… Even though Alloran was REEEAALLY hoping I would so I could notice the bathroom _behind _the poster… Sometimes I still wonder if it really was a coincidence that Iniss put that poster so close to the bathroom… Well. I guess we'll never know.

Anyway, to distract myself from Iniss's horrible lack of common sense, I stuck my nose right back into that diary and read the next entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_I ate crackers today. They were GOOD! Crackers crackers crackers crackers! I bet they'd go good with CHEESE. Yum, cheese. Maybe I'll try dipping them in oatmeal tomorrow. I stole Visser Three's stash. Oh, man... He had CHOCOLATE FLAVORED OATMEAL! I don't know where he bought that, but it must have cost him a fricking _fortune

_Iniss 226_

( WHAT! ) I shrieked. ( He _stole _my STASH! )

AAAAARRRGH! Who cares if Iniss found out about my finding his diary? That could just NOT go unpunished… And although I _could _have just stopped there… I smirked at the thought… Well, now I was _way _too damn curious to put the thing down! So I let my eyes skim the next couple entries…

_Dear Diary,_

_Visser Three went to a "friends' gathering" today. Goodie! I was alone to stare at my poster of Visser One for five hours! But when Visser Three came back, I quickly hid my beloved poster and offered him some oatmeal. He was in bad shape. I swear, "UUUH!" was written ALL OVER his face. I wonder what happened... Maybe he was just tired, but I still wish I was there._

_Iniss 226._

---

_Later the same night._

_Dear Diary,_

_Oh. My. God. Do you KNOW what Visser Three just told me! He said that at the friends' gathering, they played truth or dare, and Visser One's dare was to walk around in a tight silver bikini and sunglasses! And I MISSED it! I miss _everything_! My _life _is a disaster! Oh, snif snif SNIF! ... I'm so miserable! I wish I had a Dracon Beam so I could _end _it all... Or at least the Time Matrix._

_Iniss 226._

I remembered that. That was the time when I went to Councilor Four's friends gathering! I wasn't at all surprised he would write about that… Although even to him, I hadn't spoken of the kiss of death I'd shared with Visser One against my will.

I'd never spoken about it. Except, of course, in this diary. I love you, Diary. But enough with the sappy stuff! There was _more_! I flipped the page and continued reading.

_Dear Diary,_

_Somebody once told me I should quit my job, but I don't because Visser Three has a luxurious room (and a close, though "bad" (hint quotation) relationship with my beloved Visser One)! Now... I'm seriously reconsidering that option... Why? Okay, we landed on Earth for emergency ship repair, and he went out to _explore_... Well, he couldn't find his way back, and he couldn't demorph to run faster, so he stole a frickin' pink and purple TRICYCLE from a little human girl and rode it in rush hour traffic all the way back to the ship! That dapsen... Always trying to purposely embarrass me..._

_Iniss 226._

_P.S. -- The next day, in other words today, Visser Three was proud of himself, and while he sang a human song like nothing I've ever heard, we found out that the little girl whose trike had been stolen somehow found her way into the ship! CREEEEEEPY! Humie germs!_

---

_Dear Diary,_

_Ellie, Visser Three's new intern, is really nice. I mean REALLY nice. The only bad thing about her is that she isn't as drastically beautiful as Visser One... Too bad... Anyway! I can talk to Ellie about things that Visser Three would shoot me in the head if I talked about. That's good, because everyone (including lonely old me) needs someone to talk to once in a while!_

_I told Ellie about my love problems, without actually mentionning who it was I was in love with... What? I was afraid she would laugh at me! Visser Three laughed at me when I made the big mistake of telling _him_! And that was right _before _he kicked me in the rear!_

_So anyway, I decided to simply ask Ellie how to get a female Yeerk who is waaaaaay out of my league to mate with me, and she said I should try to make her laugh. That's really good advice, Ellie, but I _already _make Visser One laugh, and she just thinks I'm an idiot! Well... at least I get to see her smile..._

_Woops, gotta go! I was daydreaming (and writing) while washing Visser Three's Blade ship, and I think I accidentally set it on fire. Woooooooooooops! AAAH!_

_Iniss 226._

Drastically beautiful? Visser One? He obviously doesn't know the THING very well at all, does he?

Though he is right about one thing. Ellie _is _a great intern, despite her incredible girliness and giggling…

And whining.

… And filling my closet with thousands of pink-and-purple outfits.

… And enjoying Visser One's presence…

Okay. How about I just _stop_ while I'm ahead?

There was one last entry in the diary. He really doesn't update frequently, does he? I mean, even _I'm _faster than that, and that's saying something!

Ignoring Alloran's desperate pleas to go to the bathroom, I lowered my eyes again to the incredible mess which was Iniss's diary entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_I think there's something going on between my master and Visser One. I know, I know I said that I WANTED that to happen, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't! I mean, who wants their _master _to have the most beautiful female Yeerk in the Empire when they can just take her for themselves? But when I saw Visser Three hugging Visser One after his little human tricycle incident, I got sooo jealous and I thought it might be too late! So that's when I got my ingenious idea: I, Iniss Two-Two-Six, would pretend to be Visser Three! How, you ask? Simple! I stole his host and left him mine, so Visser One would hug ME instead of HIM! Ingenious, isn't it! _

_Unfortunately, Visser Three blew my little plan… Oh so sad! He barged into Visser One's room just when she was talking about going to BED, and declared that I had stolen his host! I tried to assume the contrary, but Visser One believed HIM, and later that day, when I was relieving my sorrows by splattering green fingerpaint all over Visser Three's wall, they came in without my knowledge and knocked me out with a shovel!_

_After THAT… when I woke up… ah… uh… eh? You know, I sort of don't remember! All I know is I woke up to notice that the shovel left a huge mark on my head. But after that there's a huge memory hole that lasts a few days until… until now! Huh. Strange. Must get that checked._

_Iniss 226._

I stared at the little blue booklet in absolute shock and silence. I was about to rage. But then… but then, somehow… I burst out laughing my head off like a big ninny.

At Iniss.

( Iniss… Stole my host… Because he was _jealous _of me for _hugging Visser One_? ) I choked out between insane laughter. ( And I thought there was an actual serious motive! Like he wanted my _cheese _or something! AHAHAHAHA! That loser! )

I laughed for a little while longer. Then I saw another Visser One poster on the wall opposite the bathroom, screamed, and fell silent.

_All that for that? _I thought to myself.

But hey, at least now I knew a _few _of the motives behind the stuff Iniss does sometimes.

Doesn't mean I'll ever understand him though.

I looked at the little book known at Iniss's diary. I smirked, let out a little chuckle and got up to place it back under the pillow. Then I got up, followed of course by a mad sprint to get to my room as quickly as possible before the intentines failed… argh, stupid host. Why am I _always _stuck with these?

---

It was only an hour after reading Iniss's deepest secrets that I remembered…

… THE CHOCOLATE BAR!

Once again, I angrily barged out of my room (in human morph, I'd morphed earlier to avoid the horrible intestines of Alloran) and found Iniss standing in the corridor, obviously just arriving from the medical clinic. Fuming, I approached him with my hooves practically stomping the ground.

He turned around.

" Oh hi Visser!" he said. " I'm fine. They checked my brain stem and found nothing."

" Yeah, I'll bet they found nothing, because there IS nothing!" I exclaimed angrily. " Now where in the name of the FRIGGING EMPEROR is my chocolate bar?"

He seemed sheepish. " Uh… I… ate it? Heh heh… Please don't hurt me."

I just stared in ultimate anger.

Then I hit him.

" OW!" he yelled, rubbing his arm.

I turned around, smirked and shook my head.

" You're _such_ a dapsen, Iniss," I said, amused.

Then, I walked back to my room and shut the door behind me. Before moving on with my life, I found myself remembering the strange day I had just had… I chuckled and shook my head again.

" _That_, whatever it was!" I exclaimed, walking off to my main bedroom.

There was, of course, plenty of work to do… Work, as in SLEEPING!

… GOOD NIGHT!

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

* * *

**Next chapter is going to be my humoristic rendition of Animorphs #5: The Predator. I'm going to need a couple of weeks to get the book facts in order and write the chap, so please be patient with me! Also, since two weeks ago was March Break for most people, the number of reviews for chapter fifteen was kind of, ahem, pathetic. :P LoL, PLEASE review okay? I am a VERY opinion-centered person and I want this fic's ending to be the best it can possibly be! Till next time! **


	17. The Predator, or not

Dedicated to **MsTria. **Thanks for motivating my intense Closet Fan-ness by bringing Jill into the picture. :) (We love you, Jill:P) You're the best pen pal ever! Hugs! XD

And to **MTB06**. Thanks for all the support and great reviews:D And let's not forget your great V3 parts in our RPG The Sharing. :) Good times, good times:P

Edriss, you'll find a reference to one of your Ho40 chapters in here. Aha… RACHEL was in the chap. Okay? I couldn't HELP it! XD

A/N: Uhh… Guys? I dunno if anyone noticed, but last chapter, I just realized that I typed "Chapter 14: Iniss's Diary" instead of "Chapter 16: Iniss's Diary". My stupid typo-ish mistake:P Don't worry, I'm going to fix that, plus the thought-speak malfunctions in the REAL chapter 14 in my huge re-editing after the fic is done. :) Now, without further ado, enjoy chapter 17:D 

**Visser Three's Diary  
**by Sinister Shadow

**14+**

**Chapter 17: The Predator… Or not.**

July 30th

Entry 4000… Well, at least it SEEMS that long.

Dear Diary,

Well, it's been a long four days since I've been able to write a THING in here. Mainly because Visser One and Iniss have been, well, bugging me. As usual.

… Though not quite as usual.

It all started a couple days ago at the gym. We were doing our regular warm-up – in other words running around in pointless circles, work-out shirts practically screaming "I'm neon green, choke me!" – when suddenly, from not far behind me, I heard a loud bang and a sharp "oof!".

Everyone immediately stopped. Except for me, of course… I just kept running around the room like an idiot until I realized that… well… everyone had stopped. Boy, did I feel sheepish after that.

( Ahem. ) I blushed. ( Well, come on everyone! We don't have all morning! )

" Dude, are you stupid?" Visser Two, the 'I'm so cool, I own sunglasses dude' asked from right next to me. " We have an injured."

( An injured what? ) I asked, so completely unaware.

" An INJURED, dude!" he yelled, throwing his arms in the air in exasperation. " An injured Visser!"

Suddenly I had the weirdest feeling which I could never hope to explain to you. I quickly turned around, and somehow just as I had expected, Visser One was the "injured". She was sitting on the gym floor, holding her head in a sort of daze as her right ankle gushed a pool of blood.

( Whoa, what happened to her? ) I tried to get the concern out of my voice, but it wouldn't work.

" No idea, man," said Visser Two. " I'm guessing she tripped or something."

( I doubt her ankle would be _bleeding _if she'd _tripped_, Visser Two. )

" Hey man, it was just a hypothesis!"

The Emperor, who was coaching us today in a red-and-gold jogging suit (luckily, he changes hosts regularly to protect himself from assassination, so it was goodbye Ozzy Osbourne, hello blond man straight from preparatory school), ran to the scene, trying not to panic himself.

" Now now, no one panic!" he exclaimed. Wow, what a hypocrite. And I thought I was bad.

- BREET! BREET! BREET!

The security alarms! I looked all around, but there was nothing, or no one, in sight. No one, of course, except for myself and my fellow Vissers in neon green shirts.

Sooner than you could say "quick", three of the Empire ship's security Hork-Bajir shot out from nearby entrances, Dracon beams at the ready.

( Will _someone_ tell me WHAT is going on in this gym! ) I raged.

" You didn't see that?" Visser Five exclaimed, running up to me. " They shot Visser One! Shot her!"

( WHO? ) I exclaimed. Mixed feelings poured into my system. Hah. I almost laughed in triumph. My worst enemy would die without me even working for it!

And, I almost cried. For the same reason.

Exactly. _I _wanted the pleasure of killing her someday. I wanted to know that I had finally won the lifelong feud between us!

Who did they think they WERE, trying to take that away from me?

Just as I was getting really pissed, I saw Visser One run past me in a flash, followed quickly by a frantic Emperor. The front of her shirt was stained red, along with her right sock. She wincingly limped along in one of those mad rages only Visser One is crazy enough to get after being shot twice.

" Edriss, don't be stupid!" yelled the Emperor, waving his arms into the air like a bloody lunatic.

( She's always stupid, ) I said. Now I was angry at _Visser One _for not just sitting there and croaking like I wanted her to. I added, more to myself than anything, ( You people are simply too weird to notice. )

The Emperor gave me a slight fish eye. I ignored him. I knew he could demote me when and if he chose to, but now was not the time and he knew it. I was just thankful Councilor Eight wasn't here to make this place even more of a freak house than it already was.

Visser One tried to find the person responsible for the attack and give him or her intense justice, but in vain. After a while she stumbled and fell, clutching her stomach, and drifted slowly into unconsciousness. People ran over to try and revive her, but to no avail. Eventually, as the medics rushed into the room with their emergency equipment, Visser One must have decided the time had come to leave. I saw her as she slithered out of her host's ear. The medics caught her in a container filled with an aquous substance, and ran to the medical clinic, carrying her, along with her unconscious, bleeding host, the both of them strangely separate.

---

After the shootout at the gym, and with the attacker still not clearly identified, most of us had decided to call it a day. Even the Emperor didn't seem all that keen on training anymore. So after a few more minutes of gloom, he dismissed us and sent us all to the changing rooms.

I walked past them. With an Andalite host, you don't have clothes, so you shouldn't need to change unless you're androgynous and your skin peels off.

I trotted with rhythm to my room. Once there, I went inside (NO, did I really?) and made myself a nice, hot bowl of oatmeal.

I heard light, paced footsteps across the cold floor and a high-pitched yawn. Ellie, probably just waking up.

" Like… hi Visser," she said between yawns. She stretched her arms. Her red hair was a mess, though I would never even THINK of telling her that. " How are you this, like, morning?"

( Just perfect! ) I said quite frankly.

I think Ellie noticed the oatmeal. She looked over my shoulder and raised a questioning eyebrow.

" Uhh, Visser?" she asked. " Like, why are you drugging yourself?"

( Visser One got shot, ) I said, taking a large bite out of the oatmeal.

Ellie glanced at me, shocked.

( NO! ) I gulped the oatmeal. ( No, I meant… I'm having OATMEAL because I'm _happy _Visser One got shot! I'm… celebrating. I'm not drugging myself. Nooo. )

" Yeah. Like, right." Ellie smirked, walking away.

( Don't you question me! ) I raged like the -- extra good-looking -- Visser I was. ( Would you like your head chopped off? I THOUGHT NOT! )

Ellie retreated into the bathroom, where she had of course moved all her little human makeup appliances. And to think I could even have thought she'd ran away because I'd scared her. Pfft.

I took another bite of my oatmeal, savoring it fully and completely. I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head. How good was THIS? It was almost as if the humans reached up to heaven and pulled down this flavor-filled, GODWORTHY substance out of the clouds. Which would make sense, you know? Because of their god, Quaker. Which is also the brand name of the oatmeal! Maybe their god makes it after all! Then ships it down to Earth in those ruffles of wind called tornadoes! Hah. It has got to be a crime to be this smart.

" You've got MAIL! Hihi!" The computer suddenly blasted out. I almost took a god damn heart attack! " You've got MAIL!"

( Hang on! ) I exclaimed, a bad mood setting in. ( Don't have a fricking cow! )

" What cow?" Ellie screeched in terror from the bathroom. " EEEEEEEK! Where! Where!"

I rolled my eyes. ( There is NO cow, Ellie! Hold your freaking horses! )

" HORSE? WHERE! WHERE! AAAAHHHH!"

That's pretty much when I got completely fed up with human expressions.

( Ellie, listen to me! ) I yelled as I dragged myself lazily to my computer console, my bowl of oatmeal lost and forgotten. ( THERE. IS. NO. HORSE! )

" No horse? Oh," she giggled and sighed in relief. " Okay! Like, SCARE ME why don't you! Gawd!"

I ignored her and clicked on the "You've got mail" advertisement. Inside was a message from the Council of Thirteen. My first thought was that they had either found the person who attacked Visser One, or that they suspected me of the crime. I hoped it was the first one, because I really did NOT need to be demoted right now!

Hesitating greatly, I'll admit, I opened the message…

_To: "Visser Three" the-prime(a)theempire.uni, "Visser One" numberonevisser(a)theempire.uni, "Councilor Three" yay-pencils(a)theempire.uni._

_Following is a message from the Council of Thirteen:_

_All recipients of this message must report to the Yeerk mother ship this afternoon at two o'clock for diverse reasons. Visser Three, you haven't forgotten today's seminar I hope. Visser One, we must evacuate you from the Empire ship until further notice following this morning's attack. And Councilor Three… Well, we do not know where you are. If you would be so kind as to come to the mother ship and let us know. _

_Thank you all,_

_The Councilors._

I closed the message.

Great. Just wonderful. NOT an accusation for attempting to murder my worst enemy, but instead a reminder for today's SEMINAR. Urgh. Words can't describe how much I hate seminars. You just stand there and chat with a bunch of low-ranks about a wide variety of things, in this case close combat techniques.

I seriously thought about not going. But at one thirty, I decided that the Council would basically have my head if I didn't show up. Sighing deeply, I said goodbye to Ellie and walked out of my room, heading to the ship hangar.

" Hi, Visser Three," I heard Visser One's voice behind me. Was she already healed? I didn't think even our medics could completely fix internal human bullet wounds in less than half a day.

I spun around and smirked. ( What are you – Visser One? )

I looked all around, confused. The smirk washed off my face. But… she wasn't there! There was no one in sight for miles. Or at least it suddenly seemed like miles.

I could have sworn I'd heard her voice!

… Was I going insane?

Preoccupied now, I continued my march toward the hangar. Once arrived, it happened again.

" Where aaaare you?" she called teasingly.

( Where are _you_? ) I repeated, having looked around again in vain. ( I don't know where you ARE! )

_Your mind is playing tricks on you, Visser Three_, I told myself. _She isn't here. You just wish she was._

I shook my head, disgusted at myself for thinking such a thing. _No. It's probably just the oatmeal, that's all._

_She's hurt and you're worried about her, _I countered.

To which I yelled, _Why would I worry about her? She's my worst enemy!_

To which I replied, _Yeah. She is. So why am I hearing her when she isn't even there?_

---

" Hello, Visser, welcome to the mother ship," the low-ranks greeted me as they quivered in fear. " We hope you enjoy your stay."

I walked past them without a word. I looked at the high ceilings, the smooth metal walls, the soft floors… I was home. Well, at least as much as a Yeerk can be while the Andalites orbited our home world, weapons at the ready.

It was a vast place, the mother ship. Mostly composed, not unlike the Empire ship, of long hallways, and doors leading into rooms. Thousands of rooms. How was I to find my seminar amidst this maze?

" Visser Three?" Visser One called. Again.

( STOP IT! ) I screamed, clutching my head. ( LEAVE ME ALONE! )

" Uh, pardon me Visser but I believe you are in serious need of a nice morning coffee."

I turned my Andalite body around slowly… and felt my cheeks heat up. I could just imagine the dark blue shade spreading through my face.

She was standing there behind me, in a different host. A bit older, this time. Olive skinned. Black haired (not that she doesn't ALWAYS have black hair…), dark eyed. Basically, what the humans call "Spanish". The host's name was Eva, I believe. The host Visser One uses the most for her business on Earth. In space, she has our regular Isabel. Geez. I don't understand her point. It's like she NEEDS all these different hosts. They're not freaking UNDERWEAR, Visser One!

" You look like a total dork," Visser One pointed out as she walked by. " Haven't forgotten your seminar I hope!"

I let out a noisy, drawling sigh.

" Oh come on. It's not that bad."

( Visser One. It's a freaking seminar. Like I _need _a seminar right now. )

" Oh, because _you're _so stressed," she raised an eyebrow. " In case you hadn't noticed, _I _got shot today. And there is currently a freaking MURDERER on my SHIP out to GET me. And you think YOU'RE stressed!"

( Oh boo hoo, ) I sneered. ( My worst enemy got shot. I must HANG myself to end the PAIN. )

" Well _that _would be a change for the better," she muttered icily as she stormed past me.

I watched her go and then angrily pulled my ears and nose into an ugly Mocking-Visser-One grimace… Let's just say I hope there were no surveillance cameras in that ship.

I walked over to the ship dock. I was thinking about relaxing there for the next twenty minutes until the seminar. Upon entry I admired the classical Yeerk creations. Bug fighters of many models, traditional and modern, along with a few bigger ships. I also noticed my Blade ship, which I had parked here while aboard the Empire ship. Soon, after the freaking MONTH of Visser-Council meetings was over, I would return to my beautiful ship. Ahh… can't wait!

- Dee deep. Dee deep. Dee deep.

A low beeping sound and a flashing red light on the left wall. I immediately recognized it: The distress signal! Someone, on Earth apparently, was in trouble!

Almost immediately, two Hork-Bajir and a Taxxon leaped into the room, and before I could say a word or do a thing, they jumped into a sleek, polished Bug fighter and sped off toward space, down to the big blue planet below.

Lords. "James Bong" much? Quick reference to human culture there! Wow, I know my facts. Impressive, huh?

… Oh.

OH!

The frequency! The code, it wasn't right!

I jumped to the glowing red button. A distress call code rolled along the surface of the button. They were the global letter and sound equivalent of energy waves sent to us by the transmittor below.

I had learned the sounds the distress code made by heart. By _heart_! This wasn't right. All wrong. This was…

This was our _old _frequency code.

Which left only one explanation to who sent this distress message.

I grabbed the emergency telecommunicator stuck next to the distress signal on the wall and dialed the Bug fighter rocketing towards Earth. ( Listen to me. ) I thought-spoke urgently. ( It's the damn ANDALITE BANDITS! _They_ called us. It is a trap. I will take my Blade ship and follow you to the planet surface. I will finally catch these Andalites once and for all! )

I hung up. Without even awaiting an answer. After all, they had no choice but to obey me!

So I just hung up and dialed again.

---

( Okay. Move out. ) I told my Hork-Bajir troops lined up behind the trees separating us from the wide meadow… and the bandits. One hundred, maybe two hundred Hork-Bajir.

They're going DOWN! YEAH! … Alright Visser, deep breaths.

- TSEEW! TSEEEEW!

- TSEEWWW!

Dracon beams shot (Nooo, really… why else would I just randomly write "TSEW"? Come on people!)! This was it! The Andalite bandits were mine! The first thing I would do was show them to Visser One. I would SHOW her that I am NOT an incompetent doaf like she thinks! I will prove her wrong!

The Andalites staggered, clueless as of what to do. I had distinctly told my troops not to hit them. I wanted them alive.

And then, my proud stature still in effect, I stepped out from behind the trees.

( Well, well! ) I crowed merrily. ( I have you at last, my, hack, "BRAVE" Andalite warriors. Damn fools. Do you think we never change our frequencies? )

( … Actually, we -- ) started… the gorilla, I think. It's hard to tell with thought-speak.

The… surprisingly young Andalite glared. ( Shut it, War-Prince Gafinilan. )

( HEY! He attempted HUMO -- )

The gorilla was suddenly tackled by a raging tiger. Wow. What a bright and colorful team. Soon to be labelled heads on my Blade ship walls! MWAHAHAHAHA!

The Andalite turned all eyes on me, blazing hatred. ( _Yeerk_! )

( Ahh, a young one. ) I said, ( Are the Andalites now reduced to using their children to fight in wars? I always _knew_ they were huge SOYBEANS! )

… Yeeeaahhh… Now that I think about it, maybe this morning's huge bowl of oatmeal _wasn't _such a good idea.

The tiger said something in private thought-speak. The Andalite was silent, but pointed frantically at the damn gorilla. The gorilla shrugged and the tiger turned to him. A Hork-Bajir looked at me questioningly. I shrugged.

( What a COLORFUL assortment of morphs, ) I complimented dryly. ( Earth has such wonderful animals. Did you purchase them all off of "SPACE NETWORK"? )

The gorilla snorted loudly. Sounded like Ellie when she sleeps after drinking roasted green tea.

( Excuse me? ) he exclaimed. ( SPACE NETWO -- )

( WHAT did I freaking say! ) yelled the tiger.

( My apologies, ) sneered the tiger.

God. They sounded like Visser One and I.

( Aaaas I was saying… Once we have made this planet to _our _image, we will make sure to keep some of these species. It would be FUN to try some of these morphs myself! )

I gloated interiorly. A Hork-Bajir in the corner made a girly little twirl. I made a face.

( Dude. What the _gofan kerlay _was THAT! ) I yelled, totally freaked out.

The Hork-Bajir went green and stiffened.

The tiger snarled. I looked at it and smirked widely. ( Especially you. What an amazing, deadly morph! I approve. I was _going _to force you to demorph… But no, rather stay in this form. You see, we have a hostage -- I meeean… "guest" aboard the mother ship today! It will be entertaining to show you to (insert sneer) _Visser One_ as you are. )

The Andalites looked questioningly at each other. They conferred in thought-speak. While they looked away, I drew my hand back to the closest Hork-Bajir and made what you humans call a "shoo" sign. I "shooed" them away to get me my Blade ship.

Almost instantly, the ship shimmered out of its transparent force field and cast a dark shadow over the entire meadow. It appeared overhead, dark and vast and magnificent (Hello, MY ship, damn right it's magnificent!).

About twenty-five Hork-Bajir leaped out of their position to surround the bandits. I watched as they were helplessly herded in front of the landing Blade ship.

" Go, obey _farghurrash _there _horlit_!" one of the Hork-Bajir yelled to the bandits in an incomprehensible mix of jibber-jabber. As if the Andalites would understand a god damn word of the stuff that came out of his mouth. I shook my head in disapproval.

( Learn to speak English NOW or I will knock you out with a damn _dictionary_! )

" Yes, Visser!" the Hork-Bajir squeaked in fear. Fear of a dictionary.

The Andalites climbed aboard the ship. I skipped merrily after them. Not at all caring WHO thought I was drunk.

I pulled into the ship and went sprinting down some random hallway. HAPPY! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY _DAY_!

A flash of black hair, running in the opposite direction!

( AHHHHH! )

" AHHHH!"

- BOOM.

Visser One and I slammed together. She fell down on her behind and winced.

" Visser Three, WHAT are you fricking _doing_!" she yelled. " Your seminar started _five minutes ago_."

( WHO CARES about the damn seminar! ) I yelled joyfully. ( I _caught _the Andalite BANDITS! )

Visser One snorted. " Hah. Right."

( No, it's true! ) I pleaded. ( You just come see. )

She rolled her eyes and stood up, looking VERY pissed off. " FINE. I will come see your little zoo of probably fake animals. But I'm bringing my private guard with me, I was going to speak with them anyway."

( Whatever, Visser One. )

She turned and walked away. Great. Her private guard. A whole BUNCH of freaking snobby Visser One clones. In gold uniforms. Now, Visser One looks good in her Visser uniform.

Woooww… That was irrelevant.

" All of you, get to the bridge," I heard Visser One call, probably to her guard, around the corner.

Then I decided, hey, why don't I NOT look like a complete loner and show off _my _private guard too? RED and black uniforms. Not gross GOLD and black uniforms. I should get Visser One a _red _Visser uniform. Now _that _would be –

Ahem. On with life.

I also called my guard. Then, I galloped madly to the ship bridge, where SUPPOSEDLY the Andalite bandits were being held. I walked into the vast, refined room… and sure enough, there they were, all six of them, sitting in a large cage, which was somehow large enough to contain them all, even the stupid, fat elephant.

Our troops were lining up, mine and Visser One's. At that moment I felt her creep up beside me and gasp. HA! I had MORE TROOPS than she did! WOOT! BURN, Visser One! BURN!

" Fricking dapsen…" she muttered.

( Hehe. Burn. ) I, of course, revelled in my glory.

We walked down the ramp and along the room, up to the front of our troops. Dozens of our guards lifted Dracon beams to the Andalite bandits, in case they tried anything funny. I peered through the large bars of the cage.

Visser One was right. It looked (AND smelled) like a freaking zoo in here.

( Okay, Visser One. ) I looked at the annoying THING standing in front of me. ( As you can see, I have CAUGHT the Andalite bandits. Your trips to Earth are now wasted. You can go back to the fricking home world where I won't have to see your irritaing face! )

Visser One ignored me. She turned her gaze to the gorilla, who seemed to have had a sudden urge to itch an inappropriate body part, and raised a sickened eyebrow.

The gorilla sat down. Very abruptly. It in fact looked quite amusing. A huge gorilla just simply falling down like an unstable, stick-legged human.

( Why, Visser One, ) I sneered. ( You seem to have frightened the humanoid one. Either that, or he was simply "caught off guard by your irresistable charm". )

" Gross. Visser Three, it's a an Andalite. Get a life." Visser One looked purely and simply disgusted. " Oh, and by the way, it is called a gorilla. If you are _going _to be in charge of Earth, which is very unlikely if you just keep sitting on your lazy ass, you should at least learn something about the planet."

( And take a human host? Pfft. Right, Visser One. Human bodies are WEAK, for your information. This Andalite host, though gravely constipated at times, is much better in terms of natural weapons. )

" You bet," Visser One smirked. " Andalite shit is a great natural weapon. _I _took a human host and learned about the planet and the humans -- "

( Or more specifically, the human repro -- ) I started with a wry grin.

" SHUT. UP," Visser One spat through gritted teeth, before immediately regaining her icy attitude. " … And _because _I learned about the humans, I was able to begin the invasion that YOU have now endangered with your giant soybean of a brain! Oh, AND criminal incompetence!"

Man. What is UP with the soybeans today?

I twitched my tail blade. Ohhhh, let the blood flowwww… Stop it, Visser! Anger management, remember? But it was so hard. Oh, what I wouldn't give to send her head rolling across the floor…

Well, unfortunately, one of the very things I wouldn't give was my life, because the minute I would cut off Visser One's head, her guards would Dracon me and turn me into someone's packaged fried chicken that the humans sell at stores like "Home Depot" (And Visser One thinks I don't know the humans. HAH.).

I relaxed my muscles at the thought of a bunch of humans feasting on my roasted dead body (wouldn't you?).

( Ohh, you'd LIKE to provoke me, Visser One, ) I said, barely supressing rage. ( But I destroyed the Andalite force. I killed prince Elfangor -- )

" You ATE prince Elfangor," Visser One rectified.

( -- Aaaand I have _now _eliminated the LAST Andalite resistance on this planet! ) I yelled. ( Face it, I am the one for the job. )

She smirked. " You want to be Visser One? You think you can just up and take my title? The Council does not like Vissers who make stupid mistakes. And you definitely _have _made mistakes… You know, every day that passes, Visser Three, the more I think the Andalite's defective brain cells have somehow melded with you."

She rolled her eyes and glared at me before snapping her fingers and walking out of the room, followed by her marching, gold-labelled mini army of snobs.

I stayed behind and stared at my prize, the Andalite bandits. Even Visser One could not ruin my mood now. I was in a state of total and complete euphoria! The Andalite bandits were mine! Finally mine!

( Six Andalites, ) I gloated. ( Six Andalite bodies, soon to be used by my most capable and trusted lieutenants. )

Suddenly, without warning, the young Andalite cadet exploded in rage. ( And then there would be others like YOU! You vile creature! Other Andalite-Controllers, unnatural abominations like your disgusting self! )

I dare say I was the slightest bit offended. But then, it occurred to me. Something I should have seen before…

( Why are you the only one who speaks? ) I asked thoughtfully. ( The others are all silent, and always remain in their morphs, while you are never in morph and are always the speaker for the group. Yet you are quite young. Hmm… Very curious indeed. )

My thoughts raced. _Why _was it that _this _Andalite was the one who spoke? Were the others all illiterate? No, doubt it. Were they SHY? Hah, dream on. But really. It was curious. Veeryyy curious…

I shrugged.

( Take them back to the holding cell, ) I said to my troops. ( Triple the guard. If there is even the slightest trouble, kill them all. )

---

The seminar was okay, I suppose. The casualty count was only TWO (Woot, go me! A new record!). TWO! Come on, applause, people! The whole anger management thing is really working out!

After the seminar, I flew a Bug fighter back to the Empire ship, where I sat by my telecommunicator through the remainder of the afternoon and well into the evening, waiting for my promotion for catching the bandits. But the call didn't come. I didn't find out why until Visser One was finally transported back after multiple ship searches for the attacker. Nothing was found, so she was deemed safe again and brought back (oh, goody).

As soon as she arrived, the first thing she did was knock on my door. I answered, andfound her standing in the hallway, smiling.

( What are you so happy about? ) I asked, still frustrated about the nonexistant call.

" Oh nothing," she said. " Only that the Andalite bandits escaped."

I felt like a block of cement had rammed a hole through my stomach.

( You dapsen! ) I yelled. ( They WHAT? WHEN? … How? )

" Aha, you should see your face!" she laughed, clearly enjoying every moment of it. " … But seriously, I don't know when or how they got away. Probably due to some slacking from _your _guards."

She made a little twirl and sighed. " I'm just glad I'm back!"

( Speak for yourself! ) I exclaimed.

I was devastated. My prize. Gone! Escaped, without a fair promotion in store for me!

But no matter the devastation, or the downright MISERY I was feeling, I still couldn't stop myself from going back inside to get the red-wrapped package I had been safely keeping since my little side-stop before returning from the mother ship.

I took the package in my arms, galloped back out into the hall, and handed it to a very perplexed Visser One.

" What's this?" she enquired.

( I got you a present, ) I said. Then I gestured to the box. ( Go on, open it. )

She looked at me questioningly. Then, she frowned.

" Yeah right. It's _going _to explode in my face." She gave me the most evident fish eye I had ever received.

( I promise it will not explode in your face, ) I said.

Then, under her untrusting gaze, I closed the door and walked back into my kitchen.

I heard footsteps as she walked into her own room, and the steady ripping of paper. Then, the box opened, and I heard her gasp.

" Visser Three!" she yelled.

( Yes, Visser One? ) I bemused.

" A RED AND BLACK Visser uniform?" she exclaimed, horrified. " WHAT THE HELL?"

I didn't answer. I had a whole evening of misery and loss ahead of me after losing the Andalite bandits (again).

But somehow, I felt better already.

As I walked into my bedroom, I smiled and tried to hold in a laugh. I had lost my possible promotion. I should have been sad as hell. But right now, I was happy.

And I had no idea why.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466.

* * *

**Well… This chapter was a bit different in style as you may have noticed! It was much more straight to the point, I thought. Less descriptive. Not that this story is EVER descriptive. Has anyone else but me noticed that? O.o**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Until next time, which will be soon:D**


	18. Good Morning at 2 AM

**A/N: **You guys, if you don't mind, I'd really like **150 reviews** before I post chapter 19. Eight reviews. It isn't too much to ask for, considering the amount of hits this story has (going on 1300 now). So I'll make you a deal: **If I get 150 reviews, I'll post chapter 19 in the next week.** Okay? Deal? ;)

Dedicated to **the staff of _Behind Closet Doors_ **and all the other Closet Fans out there. This is the one you've been waiting for.

**Visser Three's Diary**

**Chapter 18: Good Morning at 2 A.M.**

August 1st, at about four o'clock in the morning...

Entry eighteen.

Dear Diary,

Before I say anything, I shall imply... No one shall _ever _find this entry while I am still around to be embarrassed by it...

That dream came back again! How long will it haunt me! I've been having the same dream, the same dream I had the night following the Human Culture Fest, for about a MONTH now! Okay, Creator-Dude! _Now _can I wake up!

Anyway, I was having the dream, but I was AWAKENED by a knock on the door!

( Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...? ) I complained, my voice muffled by sleep.

I checked the time. Two A.M.! _Who _could possibly want to visit me at this hour!

I wanted to tell Iniss to answer the door. But no, I couldn't: He was probably snoring over in his room!

Reluctantly, I got up from my soft, cuddly bed and walked over to the door. I yawned and opened it...

And let me just tell you, not only was I _surprised_, I was frickin' APPALLED by who was standing in the doorframe...

( Oh, God... ) I yawned, starting to shut the door on the small, delicate figure who had come to torment me. Again.

But she slammed both her hands on the door and held it open with arms much stronger than my own.

" Let me in!" she said.

( Why should I! ) I exclaimed. ( It's TWO A.M., for the Emperor's sake! I need at _least _fourteen hours of sleep! )

" Too _bad_!" Visser One said. " You'll get them some other night when someone isn't trying to--"

My anger toned down a bit. I looked at her intently.

( ... Trying to what? ) I asked softly.

Visser One looked down at the ground.

" Trying to..." she hesitated. " To kill me."

My eyes widened.

" Five minutes ago, somebody broke into my room with a pretty weak -- but still lethal -- Dracon Beam. I'm guessing it was my attacker from yesterday. I wasn't sleeping, and I chased him away with my much more powerful beam... But he could come back. So I can't stay _there_! And since _you're _the only other person near enough to my room for me to safely walk to... Let me in!"

( And what if I refuse? ) I asked, desperately trying to chase that horrid dream out of my head. ( This assaulter could get rid of you for me. I could advance in the ranks -- )

" Fine!" Visser One raged. " I thought you were my rival, not a fricking dapsen preparing to HIRE someone to kill me FOR you! I don't need you. I'll find another way!"

She stormed down the hallway.

_Hah, that's what she gets... _I thought. _Go ahead and die, Visser One._

I was quite proud of myself. I smiled. Everything was great...

But yet... She couldn't die! Who would I fight with? Argue with? Who would I rival until the end for the top spot in the ranks?

No one else. There _was _no one else! No one could ever replace Visser One in the strange way that she meant to me, and I knew it.

( Visser One, wait! ) I yelled.

She stopped. Turned back.

( You... you win. You can stay here. But just tonight!

She didn't say anything. She just turned back and walked toward me, slowly, almost hesitant. And then she stopped in front of me, and looked up at me with those mesmerizing black eyes.

" You won't Dracon Beam me in my sleep?" she asked.

( No, ) I said.

I felt strange. Proud, anguished, happy and defeated all at once.

... But most of all, I wanted to go to bed!

Then, the strangest thing happened. Something that happened only in the HCF dream.

Visser One smiled, right at me. I mean _really_ smiled. No frown, no usual evilness, no smirk. Just a smile. And her eyes shone like never before.

In all my life I'd seen a lot of things. Many things that most Yeerks never, ever get to see... But never before had I seen Visser One smile.

_Ouch, _I thought. _Yeah... NOW I know how she brainwashes dozens of them every year..._

... And then, as I thought that, that DAPSENISH DREAM came back in my head! I'm not SLEEPING, you fricking stupid annoying dream! You can LEAVE ME ALONE NOW!

- SMACK!

( OWWWW! ) I screamed. ( What the _hell _was that for? )

Visser One raised an eyebrow at me. Why would SHE raise an eyebrow at ME? _She _was the one who frickin' SLAPPED me!

" You _look _like your incredible dapsen of a personal assistant," she explained, smirking. " ... When he's around me on oatmeal."

( Huh? ... Oh. ) I blushed. ( Damn. )

She smiled, shook her head and walked into my room. I, of course, was still standing in the doorway like a complete doaf.

( Wait a second! ) I yelled at Visser One, following her into my room. ( ... What do you _mean_, Iniss when he's around you on oatmeal! Is that where he GOES during the weekend when he says he's got the 'human pox'? Visser One! _Answer me_! )

---

Well, it was about ten minutes later. And I _still _wasn't in sweet dreamland...

... Hold on... Wh -- Oh, just NEVER MIND!

I glared at Visser One. She was sitting on _my _bed! I would NOT have that! No, no, no! I _neeeeeeeeeded _my bed! AAARRRGH!

( Visser One! ) I exclaimed, wondering if she'd _ever _get the point.

" Mmm?" she replied, collapsing on her back onto the bed.

( ... There's only one bed! ) I yelled.

She looked at me as if I were a pure, non-infested Andalite.

" You don't need a bed!" she said. " I mean, you're an Andalite. And _Andalites _sleep standing up, you dapsenish creature!"

( Yeah, well, _I'm _a different Andalite. ) I said arrogantly. ( I am not deprived of luxuries! )

I walked over to the bed, lifted up a greatly struggling Visser One and set her down on the floor next to it.

" You are shameful!" she yelled.

( I'm sleepy, too, ) I said.

That said, I collapsed onto the bed and closed my eyes.

" If you fall on me, I shall haunt you forever." Visser One said sternly.

I smiled interiorly.

And I thought, _You already do._

I know I'm a meanie. I know I'm a _selfish _meanie. And, most of all, I know I am a meanie that very many male Yeerks besides myself will _yell _at for throwing Visser One off a bed.

But seriously, people. A Visser needs his sleep!

Visser One grabbed a sheet of paper from my nightstand, rolled it into a ball and shot it at the back of my head. I really didn't care.

" Nice try, Visser One." I said sleepily, before settling in.

But right before I fell asleep... Visser One started doing that thing. That thing I really, REALLY hate when she does! Especially _right now_...!

... Yep, you guessed it. Visser One started _talking_. And trust me, when she's annoyed, she can yell at you for freaking _hours_.

Good-BYE sleep!

... Snif... Snif-snif-snif-SNIF!

" You're going to _pay _for this, you know." Visser One said. " Tomorrow morning, I'm going to frickin' _kill_ you! You expect _me _to sleep on a floor! You're a _f _--

" Uh... Visser One?" I interrupted, " Two things. First: It's MY ROOM. Second: Shut _up_."

" NO!" she shrieked. " I will not shut up! You are _my _subordinate! I tell _you _when to shut up!"

And blah blah blah... On and on and on about insubordination and what a stupid dumb ass I am. She talked and yelled and talked and yelled for what seemed like fricking EIGHT HOURS. But seriously, I did NOT want to give in to her demands. So I wouldn't! Simple as that.

" ... Why oh WHY do I put up with _such _a fricking DAPSEN! And I thought _Iniss _was bad..."

( Bla bla bla bla BLAAAAA! ) I sang some sort of stupid song, trying my best to block out Visser One's annoying voice.

I plugged my ears and closed my eyes... And... Oh, was I sleeping? I opened my eyes, and...

2:13 a.m.

One minute later.

Shit.

I _knew _I should NEVER have let Visser One enter my sacred room. I KNEW IT! I save her life from some crazy, probably lustful criminal (Gee, I bet it was Iniss!), who had a gun in order to kill her if she resisted his weirdo demands, and THIS was how she thanked me! Well, we'd just see about that!

( SHUT UP, Visser One! ) I yelled at her. ( I let you use my room... which I'll have to Febreze later... )

Visser One jumped up. " Are you saying I have gross germs?"

( Nah, I farted. ) I said. ( But that too. )

" Aaaagh!" the annoying little devil spat, annoyed.

( Anyway, I let you use my room, and _this _is how you thank me! ) I exclaimed.

" YES!" she screamed. " This is how I thank you!"

She stood up again. I kneeled on my bed.

( I hate you, ) I said murderously.

" No, _I _hate _you_!" Visser One corrected.

( I hate you more! ) I said.

" No way!" she yelled.

And then, silence as our echoes died away into the night. I looked at her and found myself gazing into her eyes again, those beautiful black eyes whose coldness could never be broken. Sometimes I wondered what could have happened to settle such an unexpression in her eyes. And sometimes I wondered whether or not anything – or any_one _– would ever be able to break that coldness…

She looked back at me, and I think that, subconsciously, we sort of came closer. Soon, before I knew it, she had sat down on the bed next to me, looking up.

( Rrgh. ) I said, turning away. ( FINE! You can use my bed. … Why do you _do _that, anyway! )

" Do what?" she asked innocently.

I sighed. ( Never mind. )

She smirked.

( I suppose I'll have to morph to human now, ) I said, ( because there _surely _won't be enough room for both of us while I'm in Andalite form, no matter _how _big the bed is. )

Visser One let out only the smallest giggle. Then she looked at me increduously and turned away, just as I began the morph.

I morphed as quickly as I could, then I ran into the bathroom so Visser One wouldn't see me in biking shorts. That's practically as bad as those human speedos (sick and wrong, those humans are). Okay, yeah, I was embarrassed for myself. Do you blame me?

Once I had my extra clothes on (well, pants, actually… what kind of self-respecting, sane human guy sleeps with a shirt!), I walked out of the bathroom only to find Visser One laying down on MY side of the bed. No. No way. There was NO WAY I would have that!

" VISSER ONE!" I shrieked with my newly acquired human voice. " Get onto the OTHER side of the bed! NOW!"

But despite my threats, Visser One typically just kind of lay there.

" Okay." I tried again. " Visser One, I'm counting to three. If at three you haven't moved, I am just going to lay right on you and fall asleep like that. And I'M HEAVY! And YOU'RE not going to move from under there! You'll croak!"

Visser One made a self-mocking "croaking" sound and smirked playfully at me. I rolled my eyes.

" One." I said firmly.

The evil devil didn't move an inch.

" Two!" I exclaimed through gritted teeth.

" Three," Visser One said in a sigh.

" You… you can't say three!" I exclaimed, frustrated. " Only I can say three! That's not how it WORKS!"

" It is now," Visser One raised her eyebrows at me and smirked, making me receive the strangest jolt in my stomach.

… Which I ignored due to my rage-slash-anger-slash-nutsoness-slash-oatmealized-mind-slash-host's-intestinal-problems-slash-some-other-random-emotion-I-can't-quite-place-and-won't-try-to-right-now-cough-so-ahem-drop-by-laterness-slash-frustration-at-how-there-are-way-too-many-SLASHES-in-this-pitiful-excuse-for-a-pitiful-excuse-for…-oh-just NEVER MIND!

" What. Are YOU _doing_!" Visser One exclaimed, having obviously noticed my staring into midair… or more like the air directly above Visser One's head. " Is there an Andalite bandit in my hair? Because if there is that poor slave will wish he'd never been born!"

I slowly shook my head.

" No? Well then what are you staring like Iniss at now?" she demanded.

I didn't answer. I just completely gave up on it all and went crashing, face first, into the pillow on the other side of the bed.

" Get a hold of yourself!" Visser One spat. " I don't sleep with madmen!"

I don't mean to sound like Ellie, but… I shot straight up like a damn board okay!

" WHOA! SLEEPING with… Who? Wha? … Oh. Okay then. Ha ha." And… the blood slowly made its way back throughout my body as I let out an embarrassed giggle and threw myself back onto the bed, staring at the opposite wall as if my freaking life depended on it.

I could feel Visser One staring at me.

" You… are a morn!" she exclaimed.

And for once I had nothing to say to that. Yes, yes I was a moron.

" You know who else is a moron?" I asked almost subconciously. " Councilor Eight. He's… he's just… he's just a _complete_ moron. You know, you should really dump that guy. There are better people for you."

Visser One raised an eyebrow.

" Uh huh," she said, unimpressed. " Like _who_, for instance?"

" Like?" I squeaked. " Like… well, I don't know, like… INISS!" I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind.

Strangely enough, that thing happened to be Iniss. Geez, I THOUGHT about Iniss!

… Shudder…

Visser One burst out laughing, and once again her beautiful smile appeared for nothing but a split-second.

" Excuse me?" she laughed. " _Iniss_? As in… YOUR P.A. Iniss?"

" Eum… Yeah?"

" Ha! _Right._" Visser One glared.

" I'm just saying," I blabbered a BIT more convincingly. " Even _he's _better than Councilor Eight…"

Visser One just stared, her expression somewhere between dumbstruck and angry.

" Just _what _exactly do you have against Councilor Eight?" she exclaimed.

" What do you mean?" I snapped, maybe a bit more than I meant to. " I have nothing against Councilor Eight. I just think you de— I mean he's a moron."

Visser One raised an eyebrow.

" I'm not stupid you know," she said. " And you're _really _starting to creep me out… The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think you're _jealous _of Councilor Eight! _You_!"

" JEALOUS!" I yelled.

" Okay, you don't need the entire ship to --"

" _Jealous_!" I yelled again. " _Me_! … HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

May I precise the emphasis on that creepy laugh that made it resonate through the walls.

" You _are _jealous!" Visser One exclaimed, jerking back. " Oh lords!"

" I am not JEALOUS!" I yelled. " Why would I be jealous?"

" That's exactly what I want to know!"

" I'm _not_, alright? I hate you."

" Well then what's WRONG with you? You've been acting really _weird _lately."

I didn't really have to think about it. I knew exactly when it had all started. When everything had started going wrong. When the everlasting issues between Visser One and I amplified to become some weird tension.

Now, I'm not usually a touchy-feely kind of person, as those humans say… but what I was feeling right now was the strangest thing I'd ever felt in my life. A part of me wanted to hurt Visser One very badly (as usual), while another was still filled with a burning passionate hate… though somehow not as strong as it once had been (that last part there, not quite as usual). And weirdly enough, another part of me felt like I would be utterly helpless if she just got up and left (very unusual).

But in any case, I knew one thing with absolute certainty: and that was how all those feelings had started.

" Remember the HCF?" I asked Visser One.

" That time where you drugged me and we could very well have ended up with an awfully evil human child?" she replied accusingly. " Unfortunately, yes."

" For the _last _time… I did _NOT_ --" I started. " Never mind, let's not get into that again. Anyway, remember the time not long after that when Visser Four dared us to kiss?"

" Yes, yes I do. I get it. The HCF ruined everything." Visser One said, not getting the point.

" No it didn't," I said. " Remember the dare?"

" Yeah, I told you already," Visser One rolled her eyes.

" And did… did you recall the HCF in the same way after that?" I asked a bit hesitantly.

To my surprise, Visser One actually was taken aback by that. She didn't answer, at least not for the moment, as her eyes darted slowly from wall to wall, her expression deeply pensive.

When she looked back I was surprised to find it was no longer anger lighting up her eyes. It was… awe.

" No," she said. " … No, I didn't!"

" Me neither. And it scares me not to know why," I said. I got up. " Now you know what's wrong with me."

I walked away and into my private bathroom. I demorphed and remorphed, and decided it might be a good idea to put my pants back on. But before I could get to them, I heard a voice behind me. The voice barely stifled a laugh.

" Quaker Oats boxers?"

" YAAAH!"

I spun around, covering the offensive boxers with my pants. The voice was Visser One of course. Gee, you could never have guessed that eh?

" Visser One! Ever heard of _privacy_?" I exclaimed, indignated. " Privacy. Me. Boxers. Now!"

Visser One smirked and stepped up to stand before me, not even leaving me time to put my wretched pants on!

" You were right you know," she said softly, waving her hand coolly. " About the dare. Everything's been kind of weird for me too, since then. I know what you mean."

I could have sighed in relief. At least she knew what I was talking about. And what was weird was that for once Visser One and I were on the same page, and I didn't even have the slightest urge to scream in horror!

" But I still think you're jealous." Visser One smirked.

Aaaannnd… there goes the relief.

" You IDIOT!" I shrieked, not really meaning it. " I'm going to KILL you!"

" Are you now?" asked Visser One calmly as she dodged out of my way while I tried to tackle her.

" You're a dweeb," I said.

" You're a geek!" Visser One shot back.

" You're a cornflake sniffer!" I yelled as I swiped at her again.

Visser One giggled. " You're Mrs. Loud-And-Nasal."

" That does it!"

I swiped again, and my arm caught her square across the lower abdomen. She gasped, stunned. I pulled her against me and squeezed until she couldn't breathe.

" Let me go!" she yelled, seriously lacking oxygen.

I didn't. Bad decision. I laughed cruelly at my prisoner, only to receive a strong blow from said prisoner's foot where it hurts.

" YOW!" I let her go and bent myself in two from the pain. " Geez! You really didn't have to --"

" Excuse me?" she raised an eyebrow. " I was dying from lack of oxygen! It was self-defense, HELLO."

" Self-defense my Andalite ass!" I exclaimed.

Uncalled for by Visser One, I suddenly jerked up to full height and shoved her roughly onto the bed. She laughed and tried to sit up but before she knew it I was pinning her down and punching her almost playfully in the stomach.

" Stop it!" she exclaimed. " Let me go already, I get it! You don't like females commenting on your underwear!"

I laughed.

" Wrong, Visser One, I don't like _anyone _commenting on my underwear." I gave her a last hard punch (she grunted) before rolling to the side.

" You're squishing my arm," Visser One pointed out, trying to move her right arm, which was still stuck under my back.

I rolled onto my side, turning to face Visser One. I gave her a meaningful glare.

" Good for _me_!" I said matter-of-factly.

She looked back at me then, and awkwardness settled in as I think we both suddenly realized we were a little too close for comfort. Her face was about five inches away from my own. And trust me, for Visser One and I, five inches is just too close. We were pretty much penetrating into each other's "bubble".

" Get. Away. From me." Visser One said through clinched teeth.

" Okay fine," I said. " I'll be glad to. But first, Visser One, can I ask you something?"

" Mm-hmm."

" Can we just pretend none of this ever happened?" I asked, feeling like I was releasing an enormous weight from my shoulders. " The HCF, and the dare – and even tonight. How about we just forget it and move on with our normal lives?"

Visser One smiled.

" Yeah, sure," she said. She sighed. " I was hoping we'd be able to make an agreement about that."

" Me too."

I sat up, releasing her arm. She pulled it away and sat next to me on the edge of the bed.

I could feel her gaze upon me. But I only really acknowledged it when she laid a hand on my arm. I turned to face her as she spoke.

" Thank you," she said. " You know… after all that… thanks for still treating me the same way."

I smirked. " Someone has to. Not everyone can drool over you you know, you need someone to keep your big head out of the clouds."

She laughed and smirked back at me before her expression softened.

" You know, as much as I hate you, sometimes you're really not such a bad guy."

" Well… thank you for that."

She smiled and leaned over to place a small kiss on my cheek. I felt myself melt.

" You're not so bad either." I decided to add. Then I smirked. " … _Some_times."

Then, without even realizing it at first, I moved closer, closer, until my lips brushed against hers. I don't even know why I did it. I guess it was because of the perfect harmony that existed between us at that _one _moment. A moment like this would probably never happen again. But, you know, as Alloran always says, you have to live in today.

It was so brief, but still as our lips separated I felt a tingling sensation that seemed to spread through my entire body. After that, with the unavoidable guilt of what had just occurred, beyond our control, settled in, we pulled down the sheets and got into my bed without another word.

But still, even though sleep wouldn't come as the lights went down, I didn't find it so strange to lay next to her that night.

---

Hours later, I was still unable to sleep. I realized that I could somewhat see all around the room, since the stars shone bright and the hall light was on.

I turned over on my side and looked at Visser One, who had gently fallen asleep next to me. I couldn't help but feel an incredibly tiny bit of affection for her just then. I don't know why. I guess she just looked so innocent, laying there without the trace of a frown on her face. Seeming so relaxed, so trusting... Cute, almost.

And yet, in reality, she's so brutally NOT innocent! No no. In reality, she is the _devil_. But at that moment, she wasn't... She meant no harm, just then. I don't know... it kind of made me happy, in a strange way.

There wasn't much room for my hindquarters since I'd let Visser One share my bed, so I had decided to stay human (And if you dapsens, who are illegally reading this by the way, think something's going to _happen_... Well, then... Um... Not this time. Oh wait! ... No, no, not this time. At least I don't _think _so... Geez, I'll have to look it up in Alloran's memories tomorrow or something, because I don't remember. Now stop glaring me down with a pitchfork in your hands). But seeing as my time was short, I demorphed and remorphed quickly. Now, I'm not going to do like those IDIOT Andalites who like to tell you EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the morph they're doing... I get that a lot from Alloran, that fricking geek...

Anyhow, I set my alarm to wake me up an hour and a half later, so I wouldn't be trapped permanently in this human morph. Then, ignoring Visser One's undying presence, I fell asleep…

… And for the first time in close to a month, there wasn't the trace of a dream…

---

I woke up again at around four thirty (a.m. of course). I don't know why. I was just lost in my deep sleep, when suddenly, BOOM! My eyes opened! It's not Andalite technology, people…

I looked around and, surprisingly enough, I saw Visser One sitting on the edge of the bed.

… Yeeeeaaah… I guess I'm not the _only _one with sleeping problems… Who knows, maybe it's just a natural thing for we Vissers to have to put up with. Whatever.

Well, whichever the case, I could obviously no longer sleep… So, with one last exhausted groan, I rolled over onto my now-human side and turned on the sidelight.

Dim light shone into the room from a single bulb on my bedside. Then, throwing a casual glance at Visser One, I sat, also, on the edge of the bed.

… The _other _edge of the bed.

I looked over again, then turned away. Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw Visser One eye me curiously. When I glanced again, she had already found something fascinating to stare at in the opposite direction.

I turned away, wondering what fascinating object I was going to use… But before I could find that out, I looked back at Visser One. At the same moment, she looked over at me. Her gaze locked with mine for a split second before we both turned quickly away.

Then, for a moment, there was silence. I was wondering what I could say to hopefully relieve some tension over here! But, surprisingly, it was Visser One who finally broke the silence…

" Come over here, I need to talk to you." she said seriously.

I paused for a moment, frowning slightly.

Then, I collapsed onto the bed.

" … No, _you _come over _here_," I rectified.

" No way, Visser Dapsen!" she exclaimed. " You come over here!"

" No, you come here!"

" No, you come HERE!"

" Visser One… I am not going over there." I warned.

" Yes you _are_…" she warned back.

" NO, I'm…" I sighed, exasperated. " Look, would you just come here!"

" No, you come here!"

" No, _you _come here!"

I paused. She paused. We both remained silent, conflicting, for a moment. There was only silence for what seemed like forever...

" No, you come here!" Visser One said finally.

I didn't reply. I hated to let her win, but I also knew that I wouldn't… And besides, I was terribly exhausted… and curious to find out what she wanted to talk to me about…

" FINE!" I yelled.

I rolled over reluctantly to Visser One's side of the bed and sat down next to her. Once I got there, she looked at me and smirked.

I smirked back. " There. Happy now?"

" Very," she agreed.

" It's only because I'm tired and I want you to get this over with so I can go back to sleep." I said.

" Whatever you say, Visser," she laughed.

I looked at her again before shifting my gaze to the opposite wall.

" Okay, so what is it you wanted to tell me?" I asked finally.

I swear Visser One actually became a little red in the face.

" What?" I exclaimed snidely, surprised at her uncharacteristic behavior. " Okay, that's it! Who are you, and what did you do with Visser One?"

She laughed. Then, becoming serious again, she looked sideways at me and spoke.

" Thanks for letting me stay," she murmured.

I was so surprised I almost let my human mouth hang open. Actually, I did. But not as much as I _could _have…

Was _Visser One _actually _thanking _me for something? This was impossible! I sort of gave her a small sideways punch.

" Hey, come on now!" I exclaimed. " Don't get all emotional on me!"

I took her face in my hands and leveled her eyes with my own.

" Yeerk Empire to Visser One!" I teased. " Visser One, do you copy? Answer us! Oh no, we must get the medical staff ready, I think she's having an inner seizure!"

Visser One smirked, frowned and shoved me roughly away. I landed on my back on the bed, taking her down with me.

" Get your evil hands off me, you freak!" she exclaimed.

" Yeah right," I said. " If I go down, you're coming with me."

She punched me hard in the lower stomach. I grunted and grinned at her.

" Now _that's _more like it," I said.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466.

* * *

**Aha. :P Writing that chapter was a blast.  
Hope you liked!  
Remember the deal we had? PLEASE REVIEW:P**


	19. Back to Yesterday

**A/N: **I am warning you in the best way possible: This chapter is what I like to call Visser Three's "Rant Chapter". It's not supposed to be that funny. It's supposed to be _interesting_, though… :P For a good part of the chapter, Visser Three'll be ranting on and on about diverse things due to some stressful situations. :) But don't worry, 'tis entertaining:P Ohh… But Visser Three does also express some PHILOSOPHICAL THOUGHTS. O.O Run AWAY while you still caaaannn! … No wait, come back. That's only part of the chapter. There's WRESTLING and a HEATED FIGHT in it too:P Enjoy…

Dedicated to **_Traycon 3_ **and **_Elliekin_**. Thanks for your reviews (Elliekin's FOUR, and Traycon's of course… :P (where've you been:P)), and for Traycon's question… Yes, of course you can write that:D I'm flattered! It'll certainly give people something to read while they're waiting for Journal! I'll read it too, of course! (Aww, my fave character's gonna be a narrator… :) I'm so proud! XD)

**Visser Three's Diary**

**14+**

**by Sinister Shadow**

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Animorphs.

**Chapter 19: Back to Yesterday**

_Visser Three,_

_Last night never happened, are we clear?_

_Visser One_

August 3rd

Entry nineteen.

Dear Diary,

The morning following "Our Nighttime Adventure, Part Two", which was now two days ago, I woke up pretty late. Eleven o'clock a.m. Let's just say I am not exactly a morning person.

I awoke to find the above note on the left side pillow on my bed. I decided to stick the original paper in my diary, so if ever I needed to testify against Visser One in the presence of the Council, I would have proof she was here last night.

... Or at _least _a great distraction.

Anyhow, I woke up and climbed down off the bed, my four hooves clicking gently on the floor. Of course, I soon realized that Visser One was gone.

I had demorphed right before going to sleep. And when I woke up, IT WAS GONE. Just GONE. I decided to just get up, I mean, it was no big deal, was it? For the love of the lords, THANK GOD she was gone! I "tralalaaaed" all the way to the bathroom, struck a few poses in my state of the art mirror from a human store such as "Kentucky Fried Chicken", and then proceeded to brushing my fur. It was slightly matted (maybe Visser One contaminated my bed), and I practically had to brush until I drew blood to get all those filthy knots out (now that I think about it, it COULD have been Iniss's "Fish Fillet Surprise"… but I like the Visser One contaminating my bed option better, because then I can blame it on her!). But eventually, I succeeded, and smacked myself a high-five (wowww… and I thought Iniss was an enormous dweeb) before walking out of my room and into the main chamber to relax.

Almost as soon as I had settled in in the main room, I walked right out into the hallway and locked my door behind me.

Even though my mind had been meddled with, it wouldn't stop me from going to see Iniss and demanding about the whole "human pox" issue. I walked into the hallway and started for his room, looking absent-mindedly at the smooth metal walls as I went.

I was about halfway to Iniss's room when suddenly Visser One crossed my path and stopped. I hadn't even seen her coming. Still, I stopped too, without really knowing why. She looked at me and made a small smile. A normal, regular Visser One smile this time. But somehow, it was still different in a way. Sadder, almost.

"I'm leaving," she said.

I didn't reply. I didn't need to. She walked off, looking instantly like the Visser One I knew and loathed again.

Hah. She was _leaving_! Great, I wouldn't have to see her annoying face first thing in the morning anymore (talk about SCARRING)! … But yet I knew that even for me, it would be a bit harsh to see her go. And who knows for how long? It could be months, years even! I mean, I hate the Yeerk, but she is literally the only company I have (except Iniss, but he doesn't really count as company…) during long -- no, _endless _hours of spaceflight.

What would I do?

I would lose my MIND!

Help! HEEEELPP!

-- Oh wait. I've already lost my mind. As you may be able to tell by the, ah, "exhibit" above… Phew! Wow, that's a relief. I have nothing to worry about then!

… Or _would _I?

( Visser One, WAIT! ) I called, and ran after her like the chickens.

---

So Visser One was leaving. For the Yeerk home world, apparently. I sort of could not wait until she left so I could be at peace. No more arguments, no more fights, no more shoe prints on my ass… And then there was another part of me that could wait forever.

Apparently, I have "split personality" issues. What's up with that?

I decided to just wait it out. It would be another few days before she left. Maybe, if I was lucky, I could avoid her until she finally left me ALONE for good. Somehow though, it seemed weird not to see her the whole day. _Ahh well, _I thought, _that's just because you see her every single day of your life. You'll be used to it soon. _I revelled in the thought of it. No more Visser One. She would be gone. Gone! Possibly forever!

Forever? How long is forever? I don't know, and I guess nobody does. You just live your life and wonder about things like that, and then, suddenly, you die. Nobody lives to see forever. So I guess, in that sense, forever is impossible. Let alone being _gone _forever…

That reminds me. Wouldn't it be weird to be the Andalite bandits? They must look at me and think, (insert dumb, low-pitched soybean voice) _"Oh geez, isn't Visser Three such a monster? He's so CRUEL and IRRITATING and LACKS COMMON SENSE." _They must think I'm a huge retard who enjoys sacrificing his subordinates. How about that! I laugh at their naiveness. Am I even in the least bit mean? I thought not! I mean come on! I have a crazy side like everyone else in the universe (aaas you may have noticed…)! I feel emotion you know, just like you! Gee, you'd think I was some sort of mutant hybrid from the dead or something!

Of COURSE I look like a mindless doaf to the Andalite bandits: They're Andalites, and I am against them. Enough said.

But really. Am I cruel? I thought not! Am I irritating? Didn't think so! Do I lack common sense? … Of course I don't! VISSER ONE lacks common sense (and a normal metabolism, for that matter). _I _don't lack common sense.

… Am I a huge retard? No. Do I enjoy sacrificing my subordinates? Of COURSE I --

Uh. No comment.

Wow, now THIS is off-topic. And you humans think you own "off-topic", with your little pointless conversations… and your "WE BLOGS"… and your "forums"… Okay, no. I OWN being off-topic. And come to think of it, my humanized, multi-billionaire twin brother probably owns We Blogs. No wonder it's such a stupid name. It comes from my twin's large slushie of a brain.

But really, all this talk about being off-topic is seriously off-topic.

Sooo… where was I?

Oh yes. Visser One being gone forever. Well, if it helps, here is a bit of the conversation we had a while ago, after I ran like the chickens through the hallway to catch up with her (She walks FAST, okay?)…

( Visser One! ) I'd yelled as I came to a halt next to her in the hall.

" What do you want?" she'd snapped.

( What do you mean, you're leaving? ) I decided to cut the crap and just take the direct approach.

" What do you mean, what do I mean?" she asked. "I am leaving, for the home world." She smiled. " I can't wait to be back… I miss it, back there. Especially the pool. And of course, I'd be _far away _from _you_."

She walked faster, evidently wanting nothing more to do with me, but still I persisted. ( When are you leaving, anyway? )

" Oh, three days from now, most probably."

That soon? ( Good! ) I exclaimed. ( There's _one _annoyance to scratch from my list at least! )

Then, she'd walked off without saying a word, and I had returned to my room, where I engaged in this conversation about forever, the Andalite bandits, being off-topic, and "we blogs". You see what I mean by "crazy side"? … Yeah… The more I think about it, the more I wonder if maybe my crazy side is a bit above average…

- Knock knock.

( Who's there? ) I snapped, not wanting to get up from my comfortable spot on the bed.

When there was no answer, I decided to just lay back and ignore it.

- KNOCK KNOCK. The knocking came louder this time.

I grunted ferociously and leaped up from my bed, bolted angrily toward the door and almost tore it off his hinges.

And almost immediately I wished I had just stayed in bed.

" VIIIIIIISSER!" Iniss shrieked between sobs just beyond the doorframe, gasping in quivering breaths. " One of the HO-H-H-HORK-BAJIR got l-l-loose and I… I… I…"

( Oh, for the love of the Emperor… ) I sighed, rolling my eyes and desperately trying to shake some sense into Iniss. ( PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN. )

No use, of course. He just kept on sobbing and gasping like you'd have SWORN he'd been run over by the freaking mother ship or something. Louder, even.

" The HO-H-H-HORK-BA-BAJIR tried to c-cut off my f-f-FINGUUUHUHUHURRR!"

I of course was still standing there through all this, naturally completely PERPLEXED as to what the HELL he was trying to say. Then, he showed me a mangled, bloody index finger, and I wondered, for about the six millionth time, where I had gone wrong in his training.

And to think, I had no clue why my crazy side may have been a bit more developed than average… Would you BLAME it?

( Iniss, calm down. ) I snapped icily. ( Be a Yeerk, not a fricking seal. )

" S-S-SEAL?" he sobbed.

Great. So much for my attempt at comparison…

( You cut your finger, ) I said. ( CALM DOWN. It looks like a god damn paper cut! Get over it! )

I slammed the door in his face. I could not let myself be bothered by such atrocities! Especially not a couple-millimeter cut this freaking deep!

I needed to blow off some steam… Seriously. Where was Visser One when you needed her?

I thought of Visser One (again). Was she really, seriously leaving? It was like a dream come true, and then on the flipside it was a guy's worst nightmare. That being, a) because I would then need to drive myself out of my mind with boredom, considering I would have absolutely no one relevant for company except maybe Councilor Four, whom I did not see all that often. And then of course, b) I would have to PUT UP with about a THOUSAND snivelling males in my fricking LIFE who would spend their time whining that Visser One was gone. Maybe they would all leave, and I would be left alone here to keel over and die. Or MAYBE… maybe I would have to go WITH them, and then put up with _Visser One _again, which is like a gazillion times worse than any possible death I would be faced with. Even if it involved Iniss in his underwear, laughing his head off like a maniac. Come on people, I have to put up with that EVERY DAY. Do you really think _one more time_ will be so bad?

Or maybe this is all a dream. Or worse! Maybe I am a complete mental retard, and every single thing that's happened ever since I landed myself in that mental institution a while back at Visser One's birthday party has simply been an illusion of my disturbed mind. Maybe I never blew a hole through the floor to escape the mental home. And therefore, none of this would have happened. Was Visser One really _not _leaving? Had my chocolate bar which I thought Iniss had stolen never really existed? Have Alloran's abdominal failures all just been a figment of my imagination?

… Well… I wish the last one were true…

Ahem.

But seriously, I am starting to freak even myself out now with all this "mental figments of imagination" stuff, so how about we just quit while we're ahead?

Okay? Okay. I thought you'd agree.

Besides, at that moment, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I got up to answer, but there was no one there. Perplexed, I lay back down, being extremely careful for Alloran's oldie intestines. I have GOT to get those fixed. And SOON. Talk about keeling over and dying.

It was only a few moments later that I realized that the knocks were indeed not coming from the _door_, but rather from the _wall_.

Well, what do you expect? Lords. I mean, who the hell knocks on WALLS?

" Visser Three!"

… Apparently, Visser One does.

( What do you want, you dapsen? ) I rolled all four of my eyes.

" I want to know where my forms are," she replied relatively calmly (If you haven't yet guessed, our walls are PAPER THIN).

( Which forms? ) I sighed. ( Yesterday's pile or today's pile? )

Visser One sighed as well. " BOTH, you retard!"

( Hmmm… ) I savoured. ( Yesterday's pile has been given to a few Taxxons to enjoy. )

" UGH!" I heard Visser One slap her cheek in horror. " Visser Three, those were important! …"

( Not my problem, ) I cut in. I almost laughed. I looooved seeing (or in this case hearing) her squirm… ( Oh, and today's pile is on my dresser. Come and get them before I decide the Taxxons deserve to be fed more. )

" Gah!" she spat angrily. I heard her saying some very not-nice things in my regard as she walked (quickly, mind) out of her room. Moments later, I heard the annoying sound of my doorbell, and ran gleefully over to open the door.

( Aha. ) I sneered, enjoying every moment of it of course. ( Haha. If it isn't Visser One, running over to ME. You need me to give you your forms back, or you're in deep shit with the Council. Admit it. You need_ me_ to save _you_. )

She fumed at me. " I do not need you! I could have easily got those forms back myself."

( Oh, yeah, ) I snorted. ( What happens when you leave in three days huh? Who will be there to tell you where they are? You do need me. _You_, Visser One, need _my _help. _Admit _it. )

" Yes! I'm leaving! And thank the lords I am!" she yelled angrily. Then she slapped me across the face.

Stinging pain would leave a burning red mark with time. Then that mark would disappear, as do all wounds.

With time. And only with time.

I pushed Visser One, caught her by the arm as she tried to make a break for it, and threw her against the nearest wall. She gasped and let out a small cry of pain, but was just as soon up on her feet again and charging at me, as it was awfully typical of her to do.

Uncalled for by me, she picked up a vase on a corner table… I shielded myself with my arms, as if that would help a thing. But then, to my surprise, she put down the vase gently… and picked up the CORNER TABLE and launched the whole fricking table at me!

( AAAAH! ) I yelled and ducked out of the way. ( Are you freaking CRAZY? )

" There's no need to waste good decorations!" she spat, speaking of the vase, of course.

By now I was as angry as possible. And I know that's a scary thought.

I picked up a large lamp, which stood on a long, thick metal rod for ground support. I pulled it up and slammed it down on Visser One's shoulder as she screamed and shielded her head from the blow. The light surface shattered into fragments of glass. I ducked away, but a few fragments still managed to hit me, resulting in small, superficial cuts. I ignored them and slapped her back with the now-hot metal rod. She kicked my front legs and caused them to buckle under me. I stumbled and fell, and lost the rod. Visser One picked it up and slammed it on my lower back. I groaned in pain and got up and pushed her back. She dropped the rod. I kicked it aside. My tail blade twitched, desperate… _No, _I reminded myself. _The Council will have your head if you permanently damage her host body._

_For more reasons than one, I suspect… _I added with an interior wry grin.

( I can't WAIT until you leave, ) I spat loathingly.

" Ohh, neither can I!" she exclaimed, red with rage. " Finally, I get to leave this hellhole!"

I slapped her. She slapped me back.

" UGH! You dapsen! I hope I never, _ever _see your god damn face again!" she screamed.

( I hope you don't, and I hope a Bug fighter runs you over! ) I yelled angrily. ( In fact, I hope those damn Taxxons eat you! I can't wait to laugh at your funeral! )

I slammed her against the wall with my weak Andalite arms. She straightened up and punched me straight in the face. I was dazed for a moment.

( _Ghaffrit nash_! ) I swore, in Galard of course.

" _Ghaffrit nash _your-freaking-self!" Visser One screamed and smacked me.

( Oof… ) I gasped, clutching my burning cheek. Lords, can she slap hard.

I gave her a hard forehoof right in the stomach and winded her. She reeled and glared at me before charging back at me in a blinding rage.

These were the good old days, all right. Eventually, I knew already, I would learn to miss them. Hopefully they wouldn't come too soon -- I could not _stand _the thought of missing Visser One – but I know they will eventually… As I said before, it's best to just wait it out. But these really _were _the good times. Days of hanging around the Empire ship, with room service and a personal assistant to do my bidding, with not too much to do for work (as it wasn't all-out war on Earth… yet) and still get paid… and of course, with enjoyable, heated fights like this with my worst enemy, whom of course I just love to clobber the guts out of.

But even now, I know these good days must eventually come to an end. And that end was in exactly three days.

---

Two more days have passed, now. We are now August 3rd, as it says on the headnote. But of course, you've noticed that already, since you are in fact a diary, and therefore not as stupid as a Gedd. You see, you have no brain, whilst the Gedds have _minus _a brain. You, Diary, are much smarter than that. Of course you are.

Visser One is leaving tomorrow. I haven't talked to her since yesterday morning… Maybe I'll go say goodbye to her tomorrow. She's only leaving at one o'clock P.M… I don't know. I don't even know _what _I know anymore.

I'm awfully confused.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466.

* * *

**Okay, I _know _that was short. But to tell you the truth, I couldn't have made it much longer anyway. You say what you gotta say, you know? And this time, I managed to say what I wanted to say in eight pages. **

**Hope you enjoyed that, anyway!**

**Till next time:D And please DON'T forget to review!**

(Side note: By the way, I know it's "WEB LOGS" and not "WE BLOGS". :P Unfortunately, Visser Three doesn't.)


	20. The Last Eleven Pages

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Well, as most of you already know, **this is the last chapter of Visser Three's Diary**. I'd like to thank all of you for reading this story, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. This fic was so much fun to write and I'll never forget it, nor will I forget the many great reviews I've gotten. This story was a huge success because of one thing: You guys, and your huge support for it. Thanks a million:) Ember Nickel has pointed out some very interesting facts about this story. To see them, go to the Animorphs FanFic Lounge FFN Branch in FFN forums, and read the topic "V3D Talkback" more towards the bottom.

_**This last chapter is dedicated to Ember Nickel, Kharina, Concrete Angel, Edriss, MsTria, and to all readers and reviewers of this fic. Thanks Ember for your dedication of chapter 20 of "The Exalted Chronicles" to me, and for telling me all these things about my story that I didn't even know myself! The same goes to you, and I hope you enjoy the chapter. :20** _

**Visser Three's Diary  
**By Sinister Shadow

**Chapter 20: The Last Eleven Pages**

August 4th

Entry twenty.

Dear Diary,

Yeeeaaahh… I am desperately running out of room in you, Diary. You should have come with more pages. In fact, if I count both sides of the paper… Wow, what do you know. You only have eleven pages left! Lords, what will I DO? What will be my secret favorite pass-time NOW? … Dude. I am seriously desperate. If only I wasn't such a soybean like Alloran. Then I could just go out and buy myself another diary without worrying about looking like a ginormous ninny!

Don't get me wrong, I would still look like a ginormous ninny. I just wouldn't have to WORRY about it.

Ahh well… I guess I'll just have to enjoy it while I can, you know? I mean, it's been fun. But all good things have to eventually come to an end. Why? I have no idea. Another stupid trick that the lords have played on us for kicks, no doubt. They are so sadistic!

This morning, pretty early – or at least it _seemed _pretty early to me – I was abruptly awoken by a hand repetitively shoving my shoulder.

" Like, Visser Three!" Take a wild guess.

( _Whaaaat_? ) I groaned. It is truly a sin to have to wake up this freaking early.

" Like, rise and shine, Visser," Ellie spat, pulling down the covers and leaving me freezing.

( Hey. You don't _spit _at me! ) I yelled angrily.

" Eeeew!" protested Ellie in a disgusted tone. " I don't, like, spit! Gross!"

( It's a figure of speech, you freak, ) I groaned again, struggling to get out of bed.

Apparently insulted, Ellie "hmmphed!" and trudged out of the room in posh pink high-heeled sandals. Wow. And I thought _Visser One_ uselessly spent her –

Visser One!

( ELLIE! ) I practically screamed.

Ellie reared up, still snappishly angry, and freakishly tall thanks to the fricking towers she called shoes, and looked at me questioningly.

" Yes, Visser?" Good. At least she knew when to _respect me_. I wouldn't have put insubordination past her, that's for sure. I mean lords, have you _heard _those _giggles_? It's like a god damn iguana on oatmeal!

Anyway. Moving on.

( What time is it? ) I demanded.

She rolled her eyes and pulled her arm up to look at an equally posh watch. " I was _going _to tell you Visser, but then you like _shooed me away_!"

( Ellie. ) I said. If I'd had teeth they _would _have been clenched… ( Tell. Me. The damn. TIME. )

" It's like twelve thirty, Visser. _Sooomeone _sleeps in…" She giggled.

I darted out of bed, whacking her with the flat of my blade as I passed.

( THANKS FOR TELLING ME! ) I shrieked. ( Lords, _someone _isn't doing their DAY JOB! )

Ellie threw her hands in the air. " Like, Visser Three! I DID tell you --"

I slammed the door, blocking her out. No time to listen to her pitiful excuses for failure. She was always cutting into my train of thought! How oh HOW did I get stuck with HER for an intern? I bet you ten Yeerk coins Councilor Eight is in charge of the interment… uhh… _ship_. Lords, do I have trouble with that one. I mean, they _will _both amount to the same thing awfully soon if Ellie doesn't shut her trap.

" Good day, Visser Three." An extremely loud, nasal voice rose up from behind me. I turned around and was suddenly faced with _the _single most annoying Yeerk ever, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. Well, at least that's what Visser One and I called him between us. If either of us actually called him that in _public_… let's just say we'd soon be joining Ellie in her internment.

I nodded curtly, trying _extremely hard _not to roll my eyes. ( Hello, Councilor Three. )

" How goes it?"

( What? )

" How? Goes it?" he repeated. " You know, the day. How goes the day?"

I just stared. ( Uhh… Not… bad? ) I said, completely weirded out. Luckily, I regained my composure soon enough. ( And you? )

" Just peachy," he beamed nasally. If it is even possible to _beam nasally_.

( Great, ) I tried to sound genuine, and failed.

" Well… see you where the dusk meets the _forlash_."

( See you… wait… what? )

" Where the dusk meets the _forlash_!" he smiled, walking away and waving. " … See you around, Visser Three."

( Yeah. See you around. )

I waited until he had walked a good distance ahead of me, then walked the few steps to Visser One's room, next door. I rang the doorbell and waited… waited…

I rang again.

No answer.

Shit. Shit shit shit!

I slammed my fist against the smooth metal of the door. She'd said one o'clock! She could not have been gone already! It was impossible! I just stood there for a moment like a total idiot, then decided to do something a bit more productive with my life. I walked. Toward… toward? I didn't know where I was going. Would I never know where I was going?

… I guess I'd never know.

( Visser One! ) I yelled in frustration. She wasn't gone. She was _not_ gone…

" Visser Three, what do you want?" With a huge, inexplicable relief, I heard her frustrated, annoyed voice. Where it was coming from, I didn't know. Nor did I care.

It took a couple more minutes for her to show. But when her door slid open and left her standing in the doorway, clad only in a bathrobe and soaking wet, shampooed hair, I almost burst out laughing. She gave me an angry, meaningful glare, and I rolled my eyes.

( Just think! ) I said, smirking. ( This is the last time I disturb you while you're taking your shower for hopefully a very, _very _long time. )

" And thank the lords for that!" Visser One sighed, exasperated.

( And thank the lords for that, ) I echoed.

After that, we said nothing for a _long _while… We just stood there, looking at each other, and then at nothing at all, for what seemed like an eternity. But when it was done, it seemed then like just a moment in time.

( So. You're leaving, ) I said casually.

" In a half hour," she added just as casually.

I smirked again. ( Good riddance. )

" Good riddance," she nodded and smirked back.

Then, right out here in the hallway, my smirk softened to a smile. Yet another thing the Andalite bandits do not assume me to be capable of, though it is a completely natural function… Those retards… Visser One smiled back brightly and I stepped forward to lace my arms around her in a last parting hug.

" You know," she said as we held on to each other, " as much as I hate you, as much as I consider you my worst, most despised enemy… I'm going to miss you, back home. I'm going to miss arguing with you. You might think I have more than enough company… but the truth is that without you, I'd get awful lonely in this hard world of ours."

She tightened her grip on my shoulders for a moment before letting go. I held on to her for a moment longer.

( What am I going to do now, huh? ) I exclaimed, probably more serious than she thought I was. ( You're leaving me here with Mr. Loud-And-Nasal! )

She laughed. I laughed as well.

" I couldn't do this when I leave, of course. People would see…" she smirked. " But you know, I felt I had to say goodbye, at least, before I left."

( Me too, ) I admitted.

She stepped up to me then, in her fancy silk bathrobe. " So, since I'm leaving, and we will not be seeing each other for a while…" she held out her hand. " … Peace?"

I brought my own hand forward to take it… But at the last split second, we both pulled back. I smirked. She stuck out her tongue at me.

( Yeah right! ) I exclaimed. ( Peace with you? _Gross_. )

" As if!" she whole-heartedly agreed.

Then, she stepped back into her room and cast a long, last look at me.

" Goodbye, Visser Three," she said.

( Goodbye, Visser One. ) I echoed.

The door slid closed then, and for the last time, we both went our separate ways.

---

I wasn't there for Visser One's actual departure. Of course not, can you blame me? I mean, I'd already parted with her a while ago. Who wants to do it again?

You better believe I heard a lot about it, though. A lot of people had assembled to say their farewells. Many were even _surprised_ I hadn't shown… My neutral response to them all was, "She's my worst enemy. I'm glad she's gone."

I heard a lot of things, and from a lot of different people. Councilor Four told me later that Councilor Eight had almost _cried _(yes, _cried_, the big sissy…) in those last moments. His eyes had been red and watery and everything as he'd held Visser One in an embrace worth a thousand embraces (Mr. Poetry-And-Prose here's words, not mine). I liked to think of Councilor Eight breaking apart, drowning in his own sorrow and locking himself in his room forever more. At least there no one else would have to put up with him.

It would be at least two months yet before Councilor Eight could get the transition papers to rejoin his beloved mate on the Yeerk home world. But hey, that's a Councilor's life (I vaguely remembered the poem I'd written once… God I'm stupid) for you: Harsh, cold and uncalled for. Or at least that's what Councilor Four tells me it's like. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I don't even _want _to be a Councilor anymore. Maybe I'm happy just being a Visser, like Visser One is. I mean, maybe a Councilor's life isn't all it's cut out to be.

… Naah…

I mean, come on! How stupid would you have to _be _to not want a seat in the _Council_? Ahem. Visser One.

Anyway, after hanging with Councilor Four for a while, and talking to loads of different people asking me what my problem was (all in a day's work for me, people), I decided I was awfully tired and started the long walk back to my room. On the way back, I met Visser Four. We stopped to talk for a while, even though I hated his guts and he hated mine. I won't even bother putting the conversation down on paper. You pretty much _know _a conversation is pointless when it ends with "You're a stupid dong."

When I finally got back to my room, it was, amazingly, four thirty. I had stopped by Visser One's room and pounded on her door like a madman, like I usually do to piss her off. Only a few moments later did I realize that she would not answer. For the Emperor's sake, she had only been gone for three hours and already I missed her like crazy. What was I going to do with my time now? And _especially _now, with the VERY UNFORTUNATE end of space in my diary near?

I would lose my mind. I would have absolutely no company! No company at all! … Well… except for Ellie… and Iniss… But I mean _relevant _company! And especially without this diary to keep me company… I felt like I was losing two very important things in my life way too quickly. Which I was. Visser One was gone, and my diary would be gone, most probably both in the same day! Oh, what would I DO?

… Well, to tell you the honest truth, there wasn't much I _could _do. Yes people, the all-powerful Visser Three is completely out of ideas. I know it's a sin. Live with it. As mighty and strong as I am, even I can't make extra pages appear out of thin air. Sorry.

There was a repetitive, IRRITATING knock on my door. I reluctantly got up from my soft bed to open it before the god awful sound busted what was left of my eardrums. _Damn people who forget doorbells exist… _I grumbled interiorly to myself as I strutted out of my room, then across the main chamber, and finally into the small entryway. I slammed my angered fist onto the button, and the door slid open… revealing a teary-eyed Iniss standing in the doorframe, holding a pink box of kleenex in his hand.

As if on cue, he pulled out a kleenex and noisily blew his nose.

( Iniss. ) I said, _already _annoyed at the thought of having to spend who knows how long with only him for company. ( What the _hell _is wrong with you now? )

As if I couldn't guess.

" V-V-Visser One is GONE!" he yelled, wracked with sobs that could shatter a toaster.

( I _know _that, Iniss, ) I said. ( And guess what? I don't care! )

I tried to close the door in his face and leave him outside to fend for his pitiful self, but before I even got the chance, he ran into my room and flopped down sadly on my sofa.

" Oh, Visser…" he sobbed. " What are we going to do now? What are we going to do without _Visser One_?"

I was shocked. _Iniss_, of all people, had just said exactly what I was feeling.

" The WORLD is OVER!" he sobbed harder.

Okay… maybe not _that _part.

( Look, Iniss. ) I said, stepping up to him. ( She's _gone_. And there is _nothing _you can do about it! You miss her now, but eventually you won't think about it so much. Just don't _think _about it. ) I didn't know who I was trying to convince. Him, or myself?

Iniss smiled through his tears. " Thanks, Visser! You're so _deep_. You're my hero!"

Oh, boy… Not the freaking "hero" thing again… I frowned.

( I am _not _your hero! ) I exclaimed. ( Visser One is gone, you're sad, and I told you stuff to get you to stop bawling like an Andalite bandit. Just don't think about her! And most importantly, _don't _come crying to me about it! Visser One is never going to love you anyway. She is Visser One. You are a low-rank. Get. OVER. IT. )

Iniss stopped crying. Amazingly enough. Then, as I held my breath… his face contorted into a grimace… and there he went again. Oh goody.

" WHY must you always KILL me from the inside?" Oh, wonderful. There he goes again with his assortment of "quotatious thoughts".

( I'm just telling you the truth, ) I said lamely. I didn't have the time, nor the energy, for voluptuous comebacks. ( Now get out of my room. )

" Why?" Iniss inquired shakily.

( Well, number one… ) I said, ( … the Council of Thirteen has announced that the Visser-Council reunions are over, and _you _have to go back to your room and pack up to return to the Blade ship. )

" Oh no… Not the Blade shit…" Iniss muttered.

I gave him a wide-eyed, threatening glare. ( WHAT was that? )

Iniss got up quickly, fearful. " N-Nothing Visser!" he squeaked.

Avoiding my angry gaze, Iniss ran out of the room and shut the door, leaving his voluminous pink box of kleenex behind.

_Burn in hell! _I thought to myself as I walked back to my room. _No one calls _my _ship the "Blade shit"! You can just drown in your god damn tears!_

I walked into my room and closed the door softly (I would no doubt have slammed it, but my poor ears were in such a state, I figured they'd DIE I did). I walked over to my bed and closed my eyes… then opened them again. And then, for the first time, I noticed the folded piece of paper on my nightstand.

What was it? Who was it from? I had no answer to either question. But I _was _curious… So I leaned over, reached for my nightstand and (quite painfully) grabbed the folded paper. Opening it hastily, I found the note below, written in an exquisite handwriting and a touch of familiar hate…

_Visser Three,_

_I don't know what time you're going to wake up, but I decided to leave you this note in case it's too late when you do. As you know, I am leaving for the Yeerk home world today. I don't know how much I'm going to have to do there, and how busy I'll be, and how many battles I'll have to fight… but I do know one thing: You are an incompetent retard, and without me to lead you along, you'll never get even a step closer to invading planet Earth… You and your stupid subordinates, and of course your little Blade shit, will lose the planet for sure! So I figured… As much as it pains me to do so… I'll have to come back eventually. It should only be a couple years, at the most. Lords know I can't leave you alone with that planet for too long..._

_I have no way of knowing exactly when we'll see each other again. So here are my few parting words to you. Despite my hatred and annoyance of your every word and action, I find I am missing you already. I know it sounds stupid, but I have no idea what kind of company I'll have over there, and I'm sure going to miss your familiarity. I hate your guts, but that's why I love spending time with you. Arguing's a passion, and I know you think the same thing. It's so obvious you are going to lose your mind alone in that ship with only your annoying personal assistant and your giggling intern, it isn't even funny. Oh wait. Yes, it is. I am laughing my head off, anyway._

_So I suppose this is farewell. For now. I know we will be seeing each other again, and though that is a very unfortunate thing, I realize that it's also for the best. Goodbye, Visser Three. I hope you don't get too lonely over there without me… As much as I hate to admit it, I'm sure going to miss the good old days._

_Your arch-enemy,_

_Visser One_

_P.S. – Oh, by the way… thought you should know something: I know you have a diary. You of all people. Who would have thought?_

I crumpled the note angrily. She KNEW I had a diary? Why, the little dapsen! Lords… Now I'm going to have to walk around with a paper bag on my head because _she knows_. Why her? Why did my fricking worst enemy have to find out? Her, of all people?

But then I thought, what does it matter, anyway? It took two whole pages to stick that note in my diary (damn Visser One and her huge eight-by-eleven paper…). That leaves me with a little less than two pages left in this diary. After that, I won't even _have _a diary. Even now, I keep on wondering what on the Yeerk home world I'll do once I'm finished with it. What? Could you tell me?

Well, I guess that for this once, I'll follow my own advice. And not think about it.

What good will it do me to think about it anyway? There was never a need to wallow in self-pity, and there certainly isn't one now. All I have to do is find something else to keep me occupied during these long years… I still have Iniss to tease. And Ellie. And of course, I still have my good friend Councilor Four. Really, it isn't as bad as I thought it was. Already I'm starting to block the thought of finishing my diary.

Already, I think less about it. And I'm finally starting to look on the bright side.

I mean who knows? Maybe my Yeerk who is pretending to be my grandmother will once again be a nice little dapsen and offer me _another _diary.

… Next year.

All I know is all I can think about right now, as I approach the last lines of the little book I've held so dear during the past month or so (well gee, it's the only thing that has allowed me to keep my sanity all this time!), is Visser One's and my last argument before she left. I know, it's stupid to think about her now, as I won't be seeing her for who knows how long… but still. I can't stop thinking about it. Those last moments we'd spent in perfect normalcy…

After fighting for another long while, we'd both gotten very tired. Too tired to fight, too tired even to say another word. Out of breath and energy, we'd both fallen on our backs onto the rough, carpeted floor, only mere feet from each other. We had turned to opposite directions and stared at opposite walls, fuming and frowning and hating.

Then, we'd looked at each other and smiled.

" Good night, Visser Three," Visser One said joyfully.

( Good night, Visser One. ) I grinned my Andalite grin.

And we had both fallen asleep on the floor just like that, with my room a bigger wreck than it ever had been.

I'm going to miss the good old days.

* * *

**Well, that's it. :) I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoyed this fic. It was so much fun to write and I want to once again thank everyone for the enormous amount of support you've all given this story. **

**See you all later!**

**And for the last time (literally), PLEASE REVIEW:D **

(Side note: If you put this chapter on MS Word in bolded font 11, Times New Roman, it will be nine pages long. I know it says Eleven Pages on the title, but it's nine because Visser Three used two pages to stick Visser One's note on. His words themselves are only nine. :))


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